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I’ve been having bleeding for five days now and he thinks I’ve miscarried, but the doctors have said the baby is fine. Tomorrow I have a termination appointment, and even though I feel so bad about lying, I know saying I didn’t want the baby would crush him. I’d rather he think it was natural. Am I wrong for this? I just know I wouldn’t be able to give it the life it deserves if the relationship with the father ends up falling through. — To Tell or Not To Tell
It sounds like you’re asking two different things: first, if you’re wrong for wanting an abortion; and second, whether you should let your boyfriend think you miscarried or tell him the truth about getting an abortion. No, you aren’t wrong for wanting an abortion. You know it’s what you want, you have very valid reasons for not wanting a baby right now, and it’s your body and your life. As for telling your boyfriend, I think you need to look at doing so through the lens of the relationship not working out — because, let’s be honest, the likelihood of it lasting is slim. Even based on nothing more than statistics (most relationships don’t work out) before also adding in the pregnancy drama and the very obvious difference in where you two are in your lives and what you want, it simply seems unlikely that the trajectory of this relationship leads to a happily-ever-after.
So, let’s assume you’re going to break up eventually, one way or another. How does telling him the truth affect that? He might end the relationship sooner than he would if he believed you had a miscarriage, and that might not be a bad thing. The break-up would be based on a truth: you two want different things. How would telling him that you had a miscarriage affect your relationship? Well, he might double-down in his commitment to you, wanting to support you through this “loss,” and even suggest trying for another pregnancy before you are ready (because, again, you want different things at this stage in your lives). He may feel you are sharing in a kind of grief together – grieving the lost pregnancy — which may be difficult for you to navigate when your overwhelming emotion will likely be relief, not grief.
If it were I, I’d tell my boyfriend the truth and then let the chips fall as they may. At least whatever happened between us would be based in reality, in the truth, in a shared understanding of the experience even if our feelings about it aren’t shared. Whatever you decide to do though, know that terminating your pregnancy is the right choice for you because it’s YOUR choice. And, for now anyway, women still get to have some agency over their uteruses and bodies and lives.
I don’t necessarily believe that a ring/proposal means someone values you and your relationship and the absence of a ring means he doesn’t. I think a person can greatly value his or her significant other and not have any desire to get married (ever or any time soon), just as someone can marry a person without fully loving him or her. However! The fact that your boyfriend pretended to want marriage, especially knowing it was something you wanted, and he led you on for months and months, is deceptive and is most definitely a sign that he doesn’t value you as you deserve and should be valued. Frankly, he sounds like a real dick! And now he’s begging for you to come back to him but refusing to put a ring on your finger? Sorry, but fuck that shit. He doesn’t get to lie to you, lead you on for almost a year and a half, and then get you back just because he wants you back! Where’s his apology? Where are his amends for all the many months he deceived you? Where’s the promise to go to therapy to work out why he’s such a lying dick and to learn how to be better to and for you? Has he offered you ANYTHING to go back to him? Actually, forget that. Who cares if he’s offered you anything if he’s not actually offering the one thing he’s promised you all along and the one thing you really want. He could promise you the moon, but if he’s still refusing to marry you, move on. He’s not the one for you.