We enjoy having sex with each other. And the things we do seem to be enough to make me want to sleep with her. However, I can’t make myself like her body. She’s 43, so I have to be realistic. She’s not going to have the body of a 25-year-old. At the same time, there are 43-year-olds who have better figures. I know I’m not perfect either, but at 45 years of age I’m blessed with a good physique (and in proportion). I guess I just want to please my eyes by looking at a better body. I like looking at a woman with an athletic body and in proportion.
I’ve dated many women, so I have too many women (with nicer figures) from my past to compare her to. And she actually exercises and goes to the gym, but there is no effect whatsoever. What I’ve seen makes me believe it’s her genes.
On the plus side, she’s attractive, smart, funny, and successful. I care greatly for her, but I don’t think I love her. In addition to body proportionality, we also differ on musical tastes. She likes R&B and hates rock. I hate R&B and like rock. Could this also be an issue?
I could let her go and take my chances in finding a new partner. But then I might discover my new girlfriend lacks some of the qualities my current girlfriend has. For example, she may be short-tempered or selfish or not as devoted.
My current girlfriend is a 7.5 and I’m constantly pulled to trade up for a hotter woman with a better body. Maybe a 9.5. The risk is she may not be as kind-hearted and good for me as my current one. I’m afraid that if I leave her, I may realize afterwards that I made a mistake. What do you think I should do? — Trade Up for a 9.5?
It’s natural to want someone who is a good match for you, so in your case I think “trading up,” as your so sensitively put it, and the chance of ending up with someone who isn’t very kind-hearted, doesn’t have a great personality, and is fixated on appearance over substance is probably your best bet in finding your equal. You also will do Tonya the great service of setting her free to find someone who has the wonderful qualities you say she has and who will be better suited for her than you are.
Do any of his colleagues bring their spouses on business trips? Perhaps in his company/industry, there’s not a culture of partners tagging along on business travels. Maybe he thinks it would be frowned upon. Maybe during those dinners and happy hours, which you say you could join him on like a member of a “normal couple” after you went sight-seeing on your own, he’s actually busy networking and forming working relationships with potential business partners and colleagues.
I know a lot of business travel is about the connections you make outside the meetings and presentations and thinking about how those connections may benefit you professionally in the future. I also know that sometimes during business travel the connections you make are more about the personal benefits you may get. And maybe that’s what you’re concerned about. Regardless, you need some solid reasons from your husband about why he keeps rejecting your requests to accompany him, and if his reasons don’t satisfy you — if you feel like you don’t trust him or he isn’t being thoughtful about your needs (like suggesting alternate travels the two of you can take together outside of work), I’d seriously consider marriage counseling.
As with any attraction you have to someone other than the person you’re dating, you have to decide if pursuing it is worth risking your relationship for. There are really only three ways you can pursue an interest in someone other than the person you’re dating: cheat; discuss with your partner opening your relationship; break up with your partner. I don’t advise cheating. I do advise being as honest with yourself and your boyfriend as you’re able to be right now and deciding together what it means for your relationship. Maybe your boyfriend is open to giving you the space to explore your sexuality and your interest in your BFF. If he isn’t, it’s probably best you break up and move on with the freedom you need to figure things out. Even if your boyfriend is open, you will still need to navigate things thoughtfully, with everyone’s feelings in mind.
Maybe your BFF has no interest in exploring an intimate relationship with you. And maybe your attraction to her is simply a gateway to more lesbian-like feelings. Sexuality is a spectrum, after all, and there’s no shame in exploring where you fall on the spectrum, as long as you are honest with the people you’re exploring with.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.