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Spicing up a marriage and/or your sex life is a great idea, but there are lots of different ways to accomplish that, AND — get this — you can even continue spicing things up after you have kids, so you really shouldn’t feel pressured to, like, have all the crazy fun now because you won’t be able to later. Life — and love and sex and fun and everything else — still goes on once you have kids. Yes, it’s different. But it doesn’t all just end once you become a parent.
Whether this particular plan you have to spice up your marriage in advisable, I can’t answer that for you. It’s something you and your wife have to think about in relation to who you are as people and as a couple. I do have one piece of advice in determining whether this is a good choice for you: don’t wait until Valentine’s Day. I mean, what’s the point in that anyway? To have something to look forward to? Or to put it off because you’re scared? I say move it to next week and see how that feels. If moving the date so close that it’s real and not just hypothetical makes you feel more sick and anxious than actually excited, then it’s probably not the right choice for you. And that’s fine. If this doesn’t feel right — or if you go through with it and it’s not a good experience — you can still find other things to do as a couple to bring some excitement into your marriage. The key is to be honest about your desires and your boundaries, and to push yourselves a little outside your comfort zone but not so much that it feels more like a test of your will than having fun.
Also, you said your wife asked you to suggest things, but did you ask her for suggestions? One evening the two of you should make a list of all the things you want to do together — sexual and otherwise, fantasy and reality — and when you feel like you need a little spice, re-visit the list and pick out something together to try. And, of course, this should go without saying, but, if you do decide to include someone else in your sex life, be smart, safe, and discrete about it, and reassure your wife that she — and you — can change your mind and back out at any point.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
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JK July 21, 2014, 2:07 pm
There´s a gift guide you haven´t done yet Wendy! “The DW Gift Guide for Kinksters”
So far we have the Birthday Threesome (from the classic letter from waaaaaay back), now we can add Valentine´s Day Voyeurism.
I´m sure there are lots of great gift ideas out there!
(I am procrastinating from doing housework after several days in bed with flu and winter break has started).
Portia July 21, 2014, 3:07 pm
Independence Day Bondage? President’s Day Roleplay? Columbus Day Cuckolding?
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 3:33 pm
Thanksfisting!!
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 3:40 pm
COME ON, Happy Thanksfisting, all! <— I can't stop laughing. Today started at 3:45 am and I've had 5+ cups of coffee – that may have something to do with it.
Portia July 21, 2014, 4:07 pm
I hope someone remembers that in 4 months so we can wish each other a Happy Thanksfisting!
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 4:10 pm
That’s the spirit, Portia!
Addie Pray July 23, 2014, 7:44 am
Are we still playing this game? How about: the 4-some of July!
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 3:33 pm
Hahaha. What would labor day be? I keep thinking of things and then I think no that’s really inappropriate or gross or painful!
JK July 21, 2014, 3:53 pm
Hmm I wonder what the fetish for women giving birth is called… ok Google can´t find it, but apparently there are couples that have sex in the delivery room. What the heck????
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 4:03 pm
someone is not liking these tasteless jokes, JK, and you started it! you should be ashamed.
JK July 21, 2014, 4:08 pm
The phantom thumb downer strikes again!!!!
Since I´ve beenback every post fmine (andyours for that matter) is guaranteed at least a couple of downthumbs. Curiouser and curiouser.
But seriously, remember when we could joke around on here without people getting offended? That was fun.
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 4:11 pm
That’s it, i’m disengaging you.
Addie Pray July 21, 2014, 4:16 pm
(or whatever; i didn’t say that right; but the point is – you’re out of order! i don’t know, i’m stopping now. well, now. no, now.)
Ani Nani July 22, 2014, 11:11 am
There is a thing called Orgasmic Birth, which basically involves clitoral stimulation during labor and birth. I don’t think they actually have intercourse though. I can’t see how that would work out, but maybe that is my naiveté shining through.
fast eddie July 22, 2014, 7:11 am
Backdoor Birthday Bash
Dueling Vibrators
Kate July 21, 2014, 2:21 pm
Can I ask what might be an obvious question? Have you and your wife tried “exploring” any of your fantasies via porn? Just as a first step? Pornhub is free, doesn’t give your compute a virus, and lets you do advanced searching. Like have you tried watching “voyeur” type porn together? Or massage porn or whatever? Just that alone can spice things up, and then if you want to take it from there and live out the fantasy for real, then you can.
Kate July 21, 2014, 2:31 pm
Also, as I re-read your letter, I see that you first suggested that she get an erotic massage, and she agreed… but then she said she didn’t want someone else touching her. Just wondering, have YOU tried giving her an erotic massage? Is that something you’ve done already and you now want to move on to the real thing? If not, why not try that? There’s a whole category for that on Pornhub, so you could watch some together, and you could massage her. Just something like that can go a long way toward feeling like you’ve spiced things up. But maybe you’re way beyond that, not sure. Just throwing it out there.
Laura Hope July 21, 2014, 3:23 pm
Please don’t assume that once you have kids, your sex life is over. I have an 11 year old and 14 year old and I can tell you that although the first years are exhausting, once they become somewhat independent, you will have the time and energy to focus on your marriage. In fact if mommy and daddy are in love (and all that entails), the kids feel safe and secure.
_s_ July 21, 2014, 7:11 pm
If you’re both into it, I say go for it. Just use caution and common sense – be safe, communicate, set clear expectations and boundaries with all parties (will the third be involved with the two of you at any time? or strictly a watcher? etc.), and make sure you have a set phrase or way for anyone to end the scenario at any time if they are uncomfortable. Have fun!
fast eddie July 22, 2014, 7:30 am
Visit a nudist resort for the safe experience of visually sharing your body without touching. They have strict rules that prohibit sexual activity and the feeling of freedom is fantastic.
peachy July 22, 2014, 10:11 am
You might consider filming yourselves – the video camera can feel like a “watcher” and viewing the images might give you both some more information about your exhibitionist/voyeuristic desires in a safe way before involving someone else…
cheers