Updates: “The Cheater’s Ex” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “The Cheater’s Ex” who was angry that her ex, whom she continued to have a “friends with benefit” relationship with after their breakup, slept with her a few days before making things official with a new woman he’d been seeing. “I want to be able to continue the friendship we had when we first stopped dating because we still have so much in common, but now I can only see him as a cheater, on both me and his current girlfriend. I’m still not sure if he ever told her he hooked up with me when they were already in a relationship and, if he did, that I had no idea he was seeing her. Should I message her about it and let her know she is dating a cheater?”

Keep reading to see what the LW decided to do.

While your reply back to me was harsh, I know it was tough love.

He did tell his girlfriend what he had done, and four months later (after six months total dating time), he proposed to her. They’re getting married in a week (only one month after the proposal and so after only seven months of knowing each other). Apparently, they’re moving so fast because she has UK citizenship, she is moving back home for six months, and he wants to be able to go with her.

All of that aside, I guess I still feel so horrible because I lost a close friend. While we were friends with benefits after breaking up, we were also actual friends who went to see shows together, hung out together with groups of other friends, etc. I feel like what happened when I first wrote to you changed that friendship on his end. While I would still like to remain friends, I feel s though what happened in April made that impossible.

Yeah, he wasn’t honest with you about having started dating someone — someone he was obviously falling for quickly — while still sleeping with you. While I don’t think he technically cheated, he wasn’t being completely honest either, and you were his close friend and deserved honesty. I’m sorry you feel that you lost a friend.


If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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One Comment

  1. You were never really “friends” after you broke up. It was an illusion. Some part of you wanted him back as your boyfriend. How else do you explain being jealous that he’d found someone else? If you were only interested in friendship, you wouldn’t mind him finding a new romantic partner. Sometimes that is possible, but usually only after you’ve actually taken a solid break from communication with the ex in question. Not spending months as “friends with benefits”. That just sounds like you never really made a clean break… it’s no wonder you felt confused and jealous when he started seeing someone else, since you felt like you were still his girlfriend even though you claimed to have broken up. It sounds like now you can finally move on! Good luck! If you truly want to remain friends with him, don’t talk to him for a year and then see how you feel. I bet you won’t care so much about rekindling that friendship once you have moved on with your life.

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