The trip of almost three weeks required her to be having sex with him and essentially acting as his girlfriend. She wants monogamy and I do also. She said she’d understand if I slept with someone else over the same time period but didn’t want us to automatically be “open.”
I flip-flopped emotionally trying to get my head and heart in the right place. She helped but had a harder time understanding why it was so difficult for me. I value the intimacy of sex with one person as a very important part of a relationship. When someone “devalues” sex by sleeping with someone else, it really pains me.
She left on the trip a week ago. She’s texted saying she has just had to numb out and put up “castle thick” walls. She says all the right words and totally avoids any comments or descriptions about him or their sex life, but I’m so distraught. I don’t know if I’ll be ok when she gets back. I might not even be able to approach intimacy.
Thoughts? — Not Her Sugar Daddy
My thoughts are that she is telling you one thing – that she wants monogamy and doesn’t want an “open” relationship – and is behaving counter to those words. My thoughts are that you likely have values that differ so much that it would be hard to overcome such differences and forge a strong relationship. My thoughts are that, after only eight weeks, you’re lucky you learned about your mismatched values early enough that moving on from this woman will be much, much easier than had you been dating a year or two. When she comes back from her vacation, let her know that, after giving it some thought, you’ve realized you are not a match, wish her well, and move on.
He has been asking us to move in with him, but there are several issues around this. His late wife passed over ten years ago, and her clothes are still in the closet, her books on the shelf, and her pictures of her parents (they died 20 years ago) and her furniture all over the place too. There are also pictures either of her, or deeply connected to her, in every room in the house, and her jewelry is still in a box on the dresser. My boyfriend is basically saying that he would love for us to move in but, unfortunately, there isn’t room for pretty much any of our own possessions (my son’s bed, my heirloom furniture, books, clothes, etc.).
He wants us to retire at the same time so we can enjoy “our twilight years” together. Obviously, I would have to contribute my and my son’s share of living expenses (my son is still at school) and to our retirement. The house was bought jointly with his late wife and was left entirely to him; he is leaving it to his stepson in its entirety (along with what is left of his pension fund) and has been very open about this not changing.
How do I tell him that there is no way I am doing this without coming across as the bad guy? He genuinely seems to think that this is the best deal ever for me. It isn’t even as though I will get an improved lifestyle out of this as I would face a seriously impoverished retirement and I can’t rely on his changing his mind. I feel as though he wants an unpaid companion to supplement the retirement he wants for himself and damn anyone else’s dreams!
I really just need to know I am not being the asshole here. — Trying not to be an Asshole
Why are you so concerned with being an asshole or coming across as a bad guy when your man friend isn’t showing the same level of concern about/towards you? I mean, I know the answer – you’re a Get X woman like I am and we are/were socially conditioned to put our own needs last and worry about everyone else first. But you know what? Fuck that. Where’s that going to get you in this scenario? In a house full of a dead woman’s belongings, with no room for your own stuff, with a man who not only isn’t promising you a rose garden, but is basically promising you no garden at all. You’ll be contributing to his lifestyle, not building any equity of your own, and seriously compromising your financial future. And for what? So you can live out your years contributing to someone else’s dream instead of your own?
Speaking of dreams, what are yours? I would spend some time thinking on that, writing them down, and maybe even brainstorming steps, goals, and hopes that support making your dreams come true. I might also make a list of potential roadblocks – things you have some or no control over – like job loss, health issues, and relationships that suck the oxygen out of your life and give little in return. Seeing potential plans laid out in black and white can go a long way in creating a path toward personal fulfillment. It’s like having a map, with potential detours for roadblocks. I’m willing to bet that NONE of what your partner is suggesting supports your dreams and that, if you’re honest with yourself, he is probably a distraction from the path that leads you to them. At the very least, the plan he’s offering to you would be a distraction.
If you enjoy his company and can continue to do so without compromising your own dreams, your own financial future, and your independence (which seems to be a point of pride, if I’m reading between the lines correctly), go ahead and keep seeing him. But if embracing his retirement plan as your own, years before you’re ready for such a step, and in a house that will never be yours and cannot even accommodate you, is part of the deal, I’d move on.