But you’re not pleasing yourself, are you? You’re with someone whose words and actions hurt you a lot. How is that pleasurable? And how is “not making any demands on each other” serving you at all if you’re this unhappy? Maybe it’s time to *start* making a few demands: demand respect; demand exclusivity; demand a relationship that is brought out of the darkness of secrecy and celebrated in the light of truth. If this man you’ve been physically intimate with isn’t interested in taking your relationship to that level, then this isn’t a relationship that has any kind of future in which you feel pleased. What is physical pleasure anyway if the emotional void leaves you feeling so hurt?
We haven’t said “I love you,” but he keeps saying that I don’t affect his life and he’s pleased he can continue his usual routine. I feel like he’s trying to express something positive but maybe he’s not doing it right – I’m not 100% sure, though. I get that not everyone would be ready for a deeper commitment after the amount of time we’ve been together, but I also feel that, under the circumstances, we have had a lot of intensive time together and have hit a lot of milestones that I thought would have made our relationship closer.
So my question is: Does someone who’s hot and cold with you and hasn’t said I love you really want to be with you or are you just convenient to them? — Just Convenient?
It sounds like the very closest thing your boyfriend has said to expressing his feelings for you is that you don’t affect his life and he’s pleased that despite your living with him 24-7, he can continue his routine. Or, probably more accurately, he is pleased that despite the extraordinary circumstances of living through a pandemic with a small child who needs full-time care because schools and camps are mostly closed, he can continue his routine unaffected since you have moved in to take care of everything for him. That’s not love. That’s a transaction. He provides low-cost housing in exchange for free childcare, cooking, and housekeeping. He doesn’t even pay you – he collects rent from you! He’s getting an absurdly great deal. And you’re getting emotionally screwed.
Your problem is in not expecting “loads back” in return for everything you’re giving. Your problem is in not valuing your own worth—-and in seeking love in return for doing “nice things.” You should be loved for who you are and not what you do. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you for either reason. You are simply convenient to have around. Stop being convenient. You’re worth so much more than that.
No one – literally no one except you – is attributing any kind of qualifier to your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. She isn’t a “rebound girlfriend”; she’s just his girlfriend, period. And you’re the ex-girlfriend who should move on and remove yourself from any avenue in which “public” announcements about your ex’s relationship status would be shared.