I have been fishing again for someone to date, and since I usually am working or at home doing things, I have chosen the online dating thing. My problem is the ONLY women who show any interest in me have been obese. I am totally turned off by this and, although I have been open-minded all my life, now I want to make a change, and I actually would like to date someone who is not big, not way outta shape and so forth. That said, I also do not want a skinny rail or a Barbie either. At the very least, I would like a h.w.p. woman. I like “curves” and thick in the right places. I have never really let the physical attributes be a big factor before, but now I feel I have earned the right to be a little bit more picky. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What is it about me that seems to only attract the big women? I am only 5’7″ or 5’8″ tall, and kind of skinny at 150lbs, with blond hair and blue eyes. I am not big or muscular. I would really like your opinion on this, Wendy, along with the commenters’. — Not a Chubby Chaser
This line truly sums up your letter best: “I have been open-minded all my life and now I want to make a change […].” The truth is, you were never open-minded. You just didn’t care about a woman’s weight until now. For some reason, you’ve decided that you’ve “paid your dues” in the dating game by dating chubby gals and now you “deserve” more of a prize girlfriend for your past nobility. But that’s not the way dating works. You don’t rack up points by dating women you feel are less desirable so that you can cash them in later for a bigger prize. You have no more “earned the right to be a little picky” than, say, a woman who has dated nothing but, oh I don’t know, short men.
The truth is, there are leagues in dating, as in “She’s out of your league.” It may not be polite to discuss, but we all fall into certain leagues based on what we offer aesthetically, intellectually, emotionally and financially. There are certain attributes that are more desirable than others. For a woman, it’s easier to land a man if she’s young and fertile, thin, and pretty. For a man, it’s easier to land a woman like that if he’s rich, good-looking, tall, has a nice body, and is funny. Now, I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I do know, by your own description, that you’re short … and kind of puny at a 150 lbs. with no muscles. And in online dating where women browse for dates by clicking very specific criteria, you are falling off the radar big time by being only 5’7″ (and let’s face it, when a guy says he’s 5’7″, most of us assume he’s probably closer to 5’6″ or even 5’5″). If you don’t have a handsome photo, an impressive career, and a witty profile, you’ve fallen off the radar even further. Does that sound shallow? Hell, yeah. But so does ruling out women who are heavyset and referring to their size as “physical issues,” like being overweight is a deformity.
I’ll make this as clear as I can: You are being ruled out for having characteristics that are unappealing to the majority of online daters. That probably stings a little, but it’s the truth. And no amount of dating women who are also overlooked in favor of more conventionally desirable competitors is going to “earn you the right” to be pickier. It doesn’t sound like you can afford to be picky. If you could, it wouldn’t be so difficult for you to attract the kind of woman you say you now want.
My advice to you is to continue working on that “open-mindedness” you say you have. If you want to be accepted for the benefits you can bring into a relationship and the love you can offer a partner, you need to look past outward appearances and search for something a little deeper. It’s certainly okay to have preferences, but beware of being too preferential that you rule out the women who are more willing to accept you exactly how you are.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter. ,