30 Things That Will (Probably) Happen in Your 30s

In September, I’ll turn 38. I’m at the age now where, when people ask how old I am, it takes me a minute to remember. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve already been 37 different ages and it’s hard to keep straight which one I am now, or if it’s because I’m in denial, or if it’s because I am going senile. Maybe a combination of all of the above. Regardless, my 30s have flown by and soon they will be but a memory. So, in an effort to preserve the memory I have left (or at least keep a record of it), and to celebrate what has been an amazing decade so far, here are 30 things that have happened to me in my 30s (and will probably happen to you too):

1. If your friends live more than a few blocks away, instead of seeing them several times a week, you’ll see them, like, several times a year, max.

2. You will have to leave H&M within ten minutes of being inside because the music is awful, the dressing room lines are way too long, and the clothes look like they won’t last ’til next Friday.

3. Binge-watching a TV show is more appealing that binge-drinking on a Saturday night.

4. You won’t have vacations anymore; you’ll just have weddings to go to. (Or family to visit).

5. Doing work you like with people you don’t hate will be more important than earning and growth potential.

6. If you’re still single, you’ll re-think some of those deal-breakers that were so important in your 20s. (You’ll also re-think your profile on OKCupid. Again and again).

7. “No” will get easier and easier to say.

8. Weight will get harder and harder to maintain.

9. You’ll develop a drinking strategy — like, two hard drinks and then switch to beer for the rest of the night; or, one glass of water for every glass of wine — to help avoid hangovers.

10. It only sort of works.

11. You will no longer obsess or really even think about whether so-and-so likes you or not, because ain’t no one got time for that shit.

12. You’ll join and quit a gym approximately seven times. (And you’ll take up running because everyone on your Facebook feed seems to be running a race and maybe it will help you get in shape).

13. Daytime parties will be full of kids (some of them yours) and you will probably be called “Aunt” or “Uncle” by several of them, regardless of whether you’re actually related.

14. No one will have real parties anymore. Except for when they do. And when that happens, you’ll instagram the shit out of it because you just have to record it for posterity.

15. You’ll crowdsource blender recommendations on Facebook and get about 73 different responses.

16. You’ll become the executor of your parents’ will(s) and will discuss what their wishes are should something happen to them.

17. One of the best and most exciting purchases of the whole decade will be the brand new bed you buy.

18. A close second will be a new washer and dryer.

19. Every once in a while you’ll think about how much student loan debt you still have to pay off, and you will cry.

20. You or one of your best friends will get divorced.

21. You or one of your close friends will have fertility problems.

22. Someone you went to high school with will become a grandparent.

23. I’ll just let that one sink in a minute.

24. I mean, it probably won’t happen ’til the end of your 30s, but still. You are old enough to be a grandparent. Technically.

25. You will suspect you have a gluten allergy. Or maybe you’re lactose intolerant. Suddenly, you’ll be ordering everything “on the side” and carrying Tums with you at all times.

26. If you’re single, you’ll date someone with a kid at some point.

27. And it will make you question whether you want one of your own.

28. Between the dermatologist appointments, endocrinologist appointments, chiropractor appointments, prenatal check-ups, and your kids’ wellness visits, you spend approximately 60% of your life at the doctor’s office.

29. You’ll do a juice cleanse because everyone keeps talking about how awesome they are and how great you’ll feel and how clear your mind will be.

30. You’ll cave on the second day and eat a burger and it will be the best damn burger you’ve ever eaten in your whole entire life and you’ll be all, “Everyone’s right! I DO feel amazing!”