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26 with strict parent and help/advice

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  • #962363 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    Sorry for the long post :/
    Hey so I have a strict mother when i say strict very strict. All my life she has been very i understand as a child but now as an adult i really don’t understand. I am a 26 year old women who graduated with her mastered and recently moved back home to my parent house. I didn’t have any choice since my rent was going up and due to the pandemic my work hours was cut short. I already knew by me moving back I won’t be allowed to anything like to go out with friends or spend time with my bf. Its kinda getting a toll on me being the house all day and not being able to go nowhere. Only place I am able to go is where she wants to go. And its irritating. I’ve asked my mother as why she doesn’t allow us (My sisters and I) to go out her response is “Why do you need to go out for? For what purpose? To be out in the streets like them other kids. you have television what more do you want to see” and “that we are girls we are different from guys they can do whatever they want girls can’t.” And you can’t tell her nothing and things that come out her mouth are things you would think an ignorant person would say but it comes out of her mouth like one day i was watching Law and Order she come in and say “Why are you watching this, only people that are married watch these shows, I need to be watching the gospel channel” and she also thinks she right about everything she can’t be wrong and her thought process is I am an adult and you guys are kids there can’t be all be 4 adults in the house. Like everyday its an argument with this lady and it never get through her head. And also she likes to talk down on you and take her anger out on ppl like she gets mad that you didn’t do what she tell you or done something she doesn’t approve she’ll try to find something to hit you as if your getting a beating as a child.
    Now I ‘ve have an issue it shouldn’t be an issue but it would be. I just recently found that I am pregnant. This should be exciting news but for my circumstance it is. I’ve been with my bf for 5 years now and my mom doesn’t know cause she believe no boyfriend which doesn’t make sense how does she want me to have have a family of my own but can’t have a boyfriend. I was pregnant before past years but due to our circumstance we weren’t ready. But now that I am pregnant I already know its going to blow up in my face if I tell her that I am. She’s going to be upset and started saying thats that I know will be hurtful like “Your not married, I’m too young to have a child, when did you have a boyfriend, how am i going to take care of this baby” Like i can picture how it going go. I would love for this be a happy experience but the way I am feeling it may not be on. I think because of all this stress and not being able to express myself i think im falling in depression. All this stress I am having is too much and I don’t know what I can do. I’ve been crying for the past week non-stop. And even crying while writing this long post. My boyfriend says he understands but says I shouldn’t be a prisoner in my house not be able to do or go anywhere like im still a child.
    Any advice could help on what I do. Thank you.

    Sorry for the long post :/

    #962364 Reply
    avatarTui
    Participant

    Till you dropped the bombshell of being pregnant way down in the piece, I would say move out and rent a room, but that wouldn’t be fair on whoever you live with. If you were independent before, I find it hard to believe that you’d move home and choose to live like you’re 12 again. What is your boyfriend doing? Have you found another job? Are you paying anything for rent, food utilities to show your mum that you’re a responsible adult?

    If you continue with the pregnancy, you definitely need to move out or your mother will likely shut you away due to the shame of it, then completely take over raising the kid.

    I am a cryer too when stressed, but you really need to stop wallowing and make plans to get out.

    #962366 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    You and your boyfriend need to make plans for how and where you are going to raise this child, assuming from what you say you plan to continue with your pregnancy, you have some months to do it in but much better sooner than later.Are there any organisations near you which can help you with this? Helplines which might be able to suggest low cost housing options near you? It does sound like raising your baby in your Mum’s house would be a terrible option, as it’s pretty unlikely she’d permit your boyfriend to move in. Your boyfriend being understanding is good but I hope he is also being supportive.

    #962370 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Your mother sounds mentally unwell and really hard to be around. You say your work hours were cut. Can you look for a new job? You need to move out of her house.

    The most pressing issue is that you and your bf need to figure out what you are doing about your pregnancy. You can’t live with your mother. Make a list of the most important things you need to do, and break the items down to doable steps. Can your bf take you in? Can he support you and a baby? Forget your mother for a moment and think about how you are going to support yourself and a baby. Are you even emotionally ready for that?

    #962379 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ
    Guest

    I don’t think this is the best time for you to be having a baby. You’re unemployed (or under employed), don’t have your own home and have a not-ideal living situation that I don’t believe will be a healthy place to raise a child. If you weren’t pregnant, I’d tell you to move out and get roommates re-establish your independence. I think that is the right move for you right now.

    If you do decide to go forward with this pregnancy, you and your BF gotta figure out how you’re going to raise this child, financially support it and you have to figure out how to support yourself so that you can be independent.

    #962382 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    I moved away for school and then moved back home after I graduated from grad school. Currently by bf is not working he says he been applying and no one has been calling him back. Im still looking for another job more of a work from home job since my other job has transitioned us to working from home. Im only helping in paying the internet. And my mother does expect us to pay rent. If she’s short on money she’ll ask us to help other than we don’t pay any rent or utilities.

    #962383 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    I could move-in with in him but I would have to ask his parents they would allow for me to move-in with him. I haven’t looked in the option of looking for organizations but I’ll start looking. He’s understanding but from my opinion I don’t think he’s being supportive.

    #962384 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    A lot of things are not adding up here.

    You were pregnant before, weren’t ready, so I assume that pregnancy ended in one way or another. You didn’t learn from that experience to go on birth control? Pretty much everything you say about your mother is irrelevant — though I understand it doesn’t feel that way. You’re 26 with an education. (Is English your second language?) If you plan to keep this child, then your time for futzing around in drama and dependence is officially OVER.

    You and your boyfriend need to launch, i.e., to create a safe INDEPENDENT space for that child. Your mother has nothing to do with the decisions you have to make. Whatever her comments or feelings or freak-out is, you don’t need her permission. You are an adult.

    Clearly, you are an adult who has been abused by this parent, so creating an independent safe space for yourself and your child will not be easy. But make no mistake — it is absolutely necessary. You will need therapy to break away from the abuse. If you really plan to bring another life into this world, therapy is URGENT so that your child is not also abused like you have been.

    #962385 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    Im still looking for another job more of a work from home job since my other job has transitioned us to working from home. I would have to ask his parents if it would be ok if I could move-in with them. Since its 5 people in the house “His mom, dad, sister, sister friend and himself”. At this moment he won’t be able to support me and the baby until he can find a job it would fall on my to support myself and the baby.

    #962386 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    Yea I have to think some more.

    #962388 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You don’t need to think more, because your decision-making skills are not in top form, no offense. You need to see a counselor as soon as possible to treat the effects of the abuse. You need a trusted outsider team to help you make decisions — on career, parenting, and abuse recovery. You may want to find a women’s center to see what services they have.

    You think you’re just fed up with your mom, but your issues are much deeper than that.

    #962391 Reply
    avatarcloudyrain
    Participant

    I was on birth control after the incident but after I got on it I was having some medical complications and my doctor told me to get off of it. Technically English is my first language but growing up from home we don’t speak English we spoke another language. I’m currently now looking a services that my city provide for women especially those that are pregnant.

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