Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

36 and Forever Single

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Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 104 total)
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  • #723673 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I didn’t have time to read all the responses to this, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating things that have already been said, but I just wanted to chime in to say that I think you could benefit from therapy, LW. Your self-esteem sounds like it’s a mess. Dating and relationships aren’t exclusively for beautiful people. Average-looking people fall in love all the time. You know what’s attractive on everyone? Confidence! Online dating can be very discouraging — I’m not a 10 but I think I’m relatively attractive — and can say that looks have little to do with whether or not you a guy responds to you or falls off the face of the planet. I’m pretty sure it’s happened to everyone who has used an online dating service. Are you coming off like someone with low self-esteem in your messages or profile? Something worth thinking about!

    #723989 Reply
    bluegreeneye
    Guest

    I wanted to provide a small update. I did begin speaking with someone from one of the counseling websites provided by one of the posters here. It’s still early into it so I’m not sure how it’s going yet.

    I sent out some messages and likes on OkCupid. I’ve received two messages back. One dropped off the face of the Earth and I’m supposed to be meeting the other tomorrow…but I don’t know what time.

    He said tentatively Saturday afternoon, I said that was fine and to let me know which time is good for him as I’m available all day. I said that because I know not everyone works fixed hours like I do. That was Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him since. I did message him this morning to see if we’re still meeting.

    #723990 Reply
    Juliecatharine
    Guest

    I’m so late to this party. I’m so glad you’re taking the (awesome m) advice Wendy and the crew have given. I’m going to tell you I think you’ll see better results if you give your self esteemtime to catch up. I spent many years online dating, that’s how I met my husband, I’m a huge fan of it—literally! Fat girl all the way here so believe me when I say I know a little something about how confidence affects results in dating. When you feel good about yourself your entire energy changes, the tone of your emails are different, and you attract much higher caliber matches *who are actually interested*. It’s great that you’re putting yourself out there and getting some responses but Mr. Maybe Saturday is a waste of energy. If he were psyched to meet you there would be a plan. If he messages you back I would only go on the date for practice and only if you really want it. Put him to the lowest possible rung of your priority list because that’s where he has you. For the record, never tell a first date you’re open all day, your time is valuable too, make sure he knows it.

    Seriously, put some work into building confidence and you will see very different results. The trick is to not need to date but to want to. Dating when lonely and unfulfilled is a recipe for disappointment.

    #723996 Reply
    Heatherly
    Member

    (3rd attempt to reply.)

    Very happy to hear that you’re starting therapy. It’s not an immediate thing, but it’s so helpful in the long run. You deseve to recognise your worth. You sound a lovely, kind, intelligent and ambitious person so it’s beyond time you saw that for yourself. The counseling is the most important move you’ve made so far.

    Also glad that in small way you’ve starting to date again. You’re making positive steps. But this is a warning, if a man ( actually any person) is hard to pin down and doesn’t say a time and a place up then they’re : a) not that interested, b) flakey, c) not worthy of indepth investment of your time or energy ( any & all of these points). Don’t chase up anymore after today’s text/email. Invest in those who invest in you- a scary concept when you’re low on self esteem, but the alternative is to chase your own tale and someone who is only likes the attention at best. So if he does come back with a time & place then go perhaps, as it’ll gain you some first date experience but this isn’t a person you want to date beyond tomorrow. I know this might sound disheartening at moment, but I want you to find someone worthy of your affection. Proud that you’re making steps in right direction & hope your hair and photos make a big impression. Start looking at others you’re interested in. It’s a numbers game until you find a few – eventually the one- you’re intersted in. 🙂

    Below is the Matthew Hussey site. Helpful I hope. He’s also got a book & if you’ve got Facebook he has a page under his name where he posts videos etc.
    http://www.howtogettheguy.com

    Good luck.

    #724007 Reply
    bluegreeneye
    Guest

    We had a place in mind just not the time. He did respond to my message saying that yes, we were still on for tomorrow. I had to send another message to get the time.

    Sigh.

    #724010 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    While I do agree that it’s not a great sign that he’s so hard to pin down, why are you waiting on him to tell you the time? Why aren’t you suggesting a time that works for your schedule (or at least your preferred time if you’re wide open)? I feel like you’re doing this the more painful way. You can ask, “Does 7 p.m. at Location work?” If he has a conflict, he’ll say so and suggest another time that works for him if he’s genuinely interested. It’s nice that you’re trying to be accommodating, but you’re not expected to know his schedule, and if the guy wants to meet you, you’ll both find a way to make it happen even in the face of conflicting schedules.

    #724011 Reply
    bluegreeneye
    Guest

    I was trying to be accommodating. I didn’t want to seem rigid and if this worked out then there was the possibility of a second date. Which is something I haven’t had with anyone.

    He’s the one who suggested the location since I had never been to the place before. But considering it took all of this to get a time from him, I won’t be surprised if he cancels or doesn’t show up tomorrow.

    Either way, I’m eating there.

    #724012 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Suggesting a time won’t make you seem rigid! Plus, you won’t know if YOU want a second date until you meet!!

    #724013 Reply
    Juliecatharine
    Guest

    I’m trying to figure out how to say this so it’s probably going to come out wrong. Do you realize there’s more to dating than getting a guy? Think of it as you would interviewing for a job. Yes, you want a job, yes you have to put your best foot forward, but SO DO THEY!! Dating, interviewing, it needs to be mutual. It’s a conversation to see if there’s chemistry and what you’re looking for is aligned. Bending over backwards and taking whatever comes your way isn’t going to get you what you truly want and need. Don’t be afraid to value yourself. The more you do the more others will.

    #724014 Reply
    Heatherly
    Member

    There’re rigid and there’s bending over backwards to be helpful /liked. Your time and company are valuable. You need to aim for respect/ having boundaries and being liked second. Any man/person will treat you better if they respect you. Even if in the end, they don’t like/feel attracted. It will go a bit against the grain at first, partly because you’ve probably been raised as a woman in the South to be likeable/polite and because of the low esteem. But even confident South women have to say something along the lines of: ” no “or “I can’t do that”, “I’d love to go( where ever they suggest) but I’m busy that day, how about next Friday night?” or ” It’s great that you are passionate about the Boston Red Socks, but really ( your team) is better because of ( name a player/manager/ defense strategy…) etc. Go on, feel free to prove me wrong. ( smile warmly).” etc.

    #724021 Reply
    bluegreeneye
    Guest

    I know there is more to it than just getting a guy. But I guess I’m at that point where I’m focusing on that because I’ve never gotten one before. Anything beyond a first date would be an entirely new experience for me.

    Heatherly, you’re mostly right. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s automatically assumed that I did something wrong. I wasn’t nice enough or I was too opinionated, which means having a different one to begin with. And honestly, I’m eager to be liked. I keep saying this but I haven’t been in a situation where I’ve even been liked by a man/boy.

    #724024 Reply
    Juliecatharine
    Guest

    I really think you should spend some time in therapy working on yourself and deactivate your profile for a bit. You’re not going to attract a quality guy when you’re desperate to be liked and I worry that your lack of boundaries could leave you vulnerable to someone with ill intentions.

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