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Dear Wendy

5 Year relationship gone with no explanation

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  • #918593 Reply

    Hi there, at the start of July my boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me. A little bit about us, we had a rocky patch about 3 years in to our relationship where he failed to communicate with me so we separated for about 2 weeks. After lots of talking we got back together and we were amazing. And have been since. We would bicker occasionally like every healthy couple but we were never an angry couple. We got on like a house on fire, we had loads in common and most of all we loved each other endlessly.

    Back in to end of May this year he started to become quiet and distant, I spoke to him about it and he said he was bored cause of lockdown and not being able to do much so I really tried to get us out on walks, buy him little presents to cheer him up. I even asked him MULTIPLE Times if we were the problem. To which he always said no.

    We have been looking for a house on a shared ownership scheme. We spent quite a while on and off looking but then start of July we got a call to say we could afford a house and that we can pay a reservation fee. We spoke about it and agreed to reserve the property. I then spoke to a mortgage broker whilst he was at work and had to pay a mortgage broker fee. At this point he was acting really strange, so I asked him if it was too much and he didn’t want to do it. I asked him if he wanted me to cancel everything and we can stop looking for a while until he feels better. But he said no it’s fine go ahead with it.
    We went to the viewing and I was excited. Looked around the house and he said he liked it. Got in the car to leave asked what he thinks he said he liked it but didn’t say if he wanted to get it. I thought okay let him think its a very big deal, took him to pick up some lunch which I paid for. We went home, he put on a film, we watched it together but I’ll admit I was a bit agitated by this point. I knew he didn’t want it I just wanted him to say. Film finished and he suggested watching another one to which I replied saying ‘Well we can but first we need to decide what we are doing about this house cause I’m going to get a call tomorrow’ To which he snapped ‘I know’ and threw his phone. I said you don’t want to then do you and he said no. He said he didn’t want to do any of this anymore he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

    He said he felt unhappy and he couldn’t work out why and that two days before he started to realise it was us. I was distraught I was heart broken I was hurt and I was betrayed. He told me he still loves me and cares about me and I have done nothing wrong. We spoke for hours. I begged him to stay to rethink this.

    We have met up a couple of times since to talk, which at first he was fine with but the last few times he’s been very against it.
    He told me he thinks he is depressed so I was constantly worrying about him. Then I meet him cause someone told me we wanted different things and that made me angry cause we didn’t. And then we met again last night, because I found out he had been talking to the girl that he had been hiding from me whilst we were together. He was calling her sweetheart, telling her she was gorgeous, and he took her to the beach.
    I was fuming, I knew he would NEVER cheat on me thats just not him. But the fact that he’s instantly talking like that to the one girl that bothered me has broken me. So we argued about that he promised me nothing was happening, that he didn’t like her like that and she was just a friend. I said she clearly likes him and he said he doesn’t care cause he doesn’t like her. He then said he only went out with her cause he was fed up of sitting on his own in his room missing me and being sad and wondering if he made the right choice. He said he regrets it but then he remembers that he can’t see a future with me and thats why he hasn’t come back.

    But to me that doesn’t make sense. He has never actively sat down and had a proper conversation about the future with me ever. So how could he vision it? Does he think that just happens? If you don’t know what you want as a couple how can you vision it?
    Now he doesn’t want us to talk and he wants to be left alone. But I can’t stop thinking about it and it hurts that we still love each other so so much and care about each other. I did so much for him words can’t explain the amount of time, energy, effort and money I have put in to that relationship. Do I call him and say that he’s never gonna see a future with me if he never discussed it with me?

    What do I do? I havent slept for weeks, I have barely eaten, I can’t concentrate and I can’t bring my self to do anything.

    #918822 Reply

    I know that you don’t want to hear this but he doesn’t want to be with you. You can’t coerce him into envisioning a future with you. When someone says that they can’t envision a future with you, it’s a nice way of saying that they’re not happy and don’t want to be with you. It’s not that they haven’t done the necessary visualization exercises. He’s probably been very unhappy for a while and buying the house pushed the issue. Respect his wishes and move on.

    #918850 Reply

    I’m sorry, I can imagine how bad it hurts, but he’s done. The relationship wasn’t working for him. It sounds like he was never all-in, hence the back burner gal and whatever he did 2 years ago. Like Fyodor said, he doesn’t have to sit down and do a vision board of the future to know he doesn’t see a future with you. And actually, he’s never talked about the future with you *because* he’s not interested. It sounds like you tried very hard and invested a lot in the relationship and that’s what essentially kept it going, but he wasn’t that invested. When a guy tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and doesn’t see a future, it is really truly over and you have to respect that. Please step back and stop pushing. You’re going to be okay. He was never the guy for you. Let him go so you can do the work and meet the right one.

    #918890 Reply

    Hi. This is distressing and confusing for you obviously. I think you need to step way back for now and give him time and “room/ space” to figure out what he wants or doesn’t.
    There sounds like a few things going on -the covid and quarantine/isolation may have gotten to him/depressed him, as it has done to many of us. Also the virus has given people time to think about their life and priorities and if they are “living their best life”…maybe he feels that he isn’t.
    Maybe he is interested in this other woman?…also I feel like maybe you have smothered him a bit or are always trying to do things to “make him happy” because you have sensed he is not happy. His denials that he had issues and you needed to talk were probably him feeling torn or not wanting to hurt you,or admit his truth.
    All you can do is stop contact for now. Do not “check” on him or suggest you meet or talk etc. Detach as much as you can because you are broken up and it may stay that way. Keep busy etc. and carry on. If he contacts you in a general way,reply politely but do not press or engage. Unless he comes to you with a plan to reunite and honest and frank talk about the two of you….than I would carry on/move on. Perhaps too., as you move forward you may realize all was not as great as you thought and you can find a better match for you in time.

    #919383 Reply

    “…words can’t explain the amount of time, energy, effort and money I have put in to that relationship.”

    It kinda reads like you’re trying to drag him forward. I mean, think about it. You knew something was up and had to ask repeatedly, like you’re dealing with Lassie. “Bark once for yes! Twice for no!” It might be good for you to decide that you’d like a more communicative partner, one who doesn’t require you to be the boyfriend-whisperer. Why don’t you tell yourself — “f0ck this noise; I want better.”

    Anyway, your fastest and easiest route out of the pain is no contact. He doesn’t owe you any more conversations anyway, and it would only frustrate you.

    No contact is the greatest gift you could give yourself right now. Resist all temptation to talk or discuss or (especially) find out about him and this girl. Don’t pick up the phone. Treat it like you’re kicking an addiction. Go cold turkey. The more distance you have from him, the better your life will get. Don’t prolong the pain. Because y’all are broken up, sorry.

    #921299 Reply

    There was an explanation- he doesn’t see a future with you. I know it hurts that it’s over, and that he’s most likely dating that other woman, but sometimes people realize they’re not happy, even if everything seems exactly right on the outside. At least he ended it before you guys made a huge financial commitment.

    And it’s hard to say, but it does sound like you potentially put TOO much effort into trying to hold this relationship together. You shouldn’t have to exert incredible amounts of time, effort, money into a relationship to make it work. No one should need convincing. You should never have to persuade someone to stick around.

    I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you could look at this as a gift. He broke up with you and it hurts, but it really doesn’t sound like he was over the moon happy or invested. He would have let you down harder if you went forward with the house and relationship.

    I was once with a guy for years that I thought I’d marry. He was great, we had pets and a house together. But it wasn’t right. We kept breaking up and getting back together because it *should have* worked. We were great “on paper.” But we were not supposed to be together. When we did finally break up for good, literally weeks later he met someone else and so did I. We’re both married to those other people now. I can’t say how his relationship is going, but mine is great. Truly great, and I never would have known how good things could be if I’d kept pushing to make that other not great relationship work.

    Respect his decision to go no contact and work on being good to yourself. Focus on yourself and invest that time, money and effort into making yourself happy for once. You’re in pain now, but it will get better. Good luck to you.

    #921856 Reply

    Thank you everyone, I know it sounds weird as I have spoken to people around me for help and advice but getting advice from people who know neither of us has helped.
    I realise that the amount of effort I have put in is unhealthy and clearly not appreciated. Thing is I think down the line he will realise how good he had it but I won’t be there anymore.
    I worry that I sound crazy but I really did think he was the one. And I remember when he thought I was too. So for now it’s just gonna take time to heal and cope. He has promised me that nothing is happening with this girl but I don’t know what to believe seeing as he would never have pulled a stunt like he has leading me on so long with the house. He clearly doesn’t know what he wants as he’s flip flopping between wanting it to be over and missing me and regretting it.

    Anyway thank you everyone!

    #921892 Reply

    Ok, I’m just going to rip the band-aid off and tell you that something is going on with him and this girl.

    #921921 Reply

    Yeah, I have a feeling something is and he just feels extremely guilty for it. The thing is with us is that loyalty has always been so SO important to us, I was cheated on in the past and his step dad had an affair which caused lots of problems. So if something is happening with this girl I would be truly so upset and heartbroken, more so than I am right now.
    He is also 26 and she is 19 which is what I find weird.

    #921925 Reply

    Also, he’s not flip-flopping. He sounds legit afraid of you and your potential reaction, so tells you things to pacify you. You need to remember that he broke up with you, told you he did not see a future with you, and asked you to leave him alone. But you didn’t, you flipped out about this girl based on stuff you saw while creeping, and insisted he meet up with you to explain himself. Of course he’s going to tell you nothing is going on with her, what do you think? Of course he’s going to say, oh, I only went out with her because I was lonely and missing you. He’s saying that because he believes you are unstable and doesn’t want any trouble. And sure, maybe he misses you at times, that would be normal and not indicative of flip-flopping. Please give him his space as he has asked and stop creeping before you see something you really didn’t want to see.

    #921984 Reply

    He’s not flip-flopping.

    He is seeing this other person.

    Don’t add to your own pain. Go no contact so you can heal.

    #922012 Reply

    “ Thing is I think down the line he will realise how good he had it but I won’t be there anymore.”

    I think that you have to engage with the fact that it wasn’t that good for him.

    “I worry that I sound crazy but I really did think he was the one. “

    Ain’t no such thing. And if there were ,it’s not him.

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