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Dear Wendy

5 Year relationship gone with no explanation

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  • #922175 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    It’s over. When he told you he wasn’t happy and had decided it was because of the relationship between the two of you, that was the end. When he went out with the other woman, that underscored that he had already ended your relationship. You don’t need any more closure than that. It’s over. You just refuse to accept that fact. Stop contacting him. He broke up with you. He’s allowed to date other women. You need to accept reality.

    You broke up for two weeks half-way through this relationship, because you say he didn’t communicate with you. Based upon what you’ve written about this current break-up, I have to conclude that he does communicate with you, but you refuse to listen, unless he is telling you what you want to hear. It appears that to you, the only thing that counts as communication is a discussion of how the two of you can improve your relationship and move it forward. He’s not going to have that discussion, because for him, it’s over. You are trying to force him to explain the other woman. Will you really feel better if you corner him and force him to admit that he prefers being with her to being with you? He’s told you that by action and beat-around-the-bush words. You need to go no-contact.

    You will find a better relationship, but first you have to totally end this one and take time to heal.

    #922330 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    Kate, first off I have NEVER gone ‘creeping’. Believe it or not the last thing I want right now is to know if they’re talking or what they are talking about. Please do not try to make out that I am ‘creeping’ when I trust him more than anyone. I think that is disgusting.
    How dare you imply that I am unstable? I have met to talk to him because he told me he was depressed and I was concerned for his well being. Maybe you should try having a little empathy and think about the words you throw around.

    #922342 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    You broke up for two weeks half-way through this relationship, because you say he didn’t communicate with you. Based upon what you’ve written about this current break-up, I have to conclude that he does communicate with you, but you refuse to listen, unless he is telling you what you want to hear.

    Ron, do you suddenly believe that you know EVERYTHING about our 5 year relationship after reading a couple of paragraphs on here? You literally do not know him or me. I can confirm he does not communicate. If there is a problem he will not say anything until someone asks him or pushes him. Hence why leading up to the break up I kept asking if he was okay and if we were okay and he just said yes. Tell me, is that someone who communicates? If he had plans to go on holiday with a friend, would he tell me? No. Not until it was bought up in front of me by the friend. So again PLEASE TELL ME HOW HE IS SUCH A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. I’m sorry but I am not having you accuse me of only thinking its communication if it goes my way? That is not the case at all and to be honest just rude you would even say that.

    #922361 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    I just want to clarify some things as it seems people are coming here to tell me I’m crazy or whatever.

    I have only met with him 3 times since we broke up. And the way I found out about him and this girl isn’t from me ‘snooping’ it was from someone logging in to his Facebook account and sending me screenshots of their conversations from his account. I have not actively gone out of my way to find anything out because to be honest I don’t want to know. The amount of pain it has caused me is not something I want? So I would appreciate if people stop saying that I snooped for it.
    The reason we met for the 3rd time was due to the issue of his account being hacked. It was a bad situation and we both wanted to clear the air with it all as neither of us want to end on an argument or bad terms.
    Thing is, if he was any good at communicating he would’ve just said from the get go that he didn’t want this anymore and its fully over etc. But he tip toed around it went on more about how he loves me etc then just stating the truth. When you have someone giving you two very contradicting statements about how they feel it’s difficult to understand what they mean. We aren’t talking now and to be honest I would just appreciate some advice on how to keep myself busy but also some EMPATHY. This is an extremely difficult time for me I have been getting about 2 hours sleep a night if that.

    #922408 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I didn’t say you’re unstable, I said it sounds like he thinks you are.

    #922417 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    We are not trying to be harsh but there is no path forward for you unless you (A) realistically engage with the fact that he doesn’t want to be with you and is with someone else (B) disengage from him to the fullest extent possible.

    #922424 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, you originally wrote:

    “ And then we met again last night, because I found out he had been talking to the girl that he had been hiding from me whilst we were together…I was fuming..So we argued about that he promised me nothing was happening…”

    But now you wrote:

    “ The reason we met for the 3rd time was due to the issue of his account being hacked. It was a bad situation and we both wanted to clear the air with it all as neither of us want to end on an argument or bad terms.”

    So you were fuming and met up to argue? Or you met to clear the air and not argue?

    #922556 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Why the fuck would anybody spy on your ex for you?

    1). Grow up.

    2). Get BETTER friends.

    #922664 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I sympathize. In my first post, I said that he sounds like a terrible communicator. It will be great when you can be with someone who uses his words like a grown-up.

    I understand you aren’t looking ahead to what it’ll be like in a better relationship down the road though. Five years is no joke, and it’s a big adjustment. You will be okay, but it’s gonna take some time.

    #922724 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You still trust him more than anyone? After he didn’t tell you about whatever trip?

    I’m sorry he’s not being honest with you, but he’s 99% definitely seeing the girl he’d been hiding from you while you were together.

    Tiptoeing around your is a sign he’s lying or is scared of your reactions.

    Regardless, he asked you to stop contacting him and you should respect that. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but the best thing to do is move forward.

    #923543 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    No one wants you to be in pain. Here’s what we know:

    He was giving you signals, not well communicated, that he had mixed feelings on getting a place. You had to push him to get an answer – at the very last minute at which time he pretty much blew up everything. And could only tell you that it wasn’t working for him.

    That is enough reason to break up with someone. He doesn’t feel happy being in a relationship with you. It’s not enough, it’s too much, it’s too hard, it’s too whatever.

    He cares for you, and he didn’t want to hurt you, but he also needed to move on. You are never going to get the answers you seek. He may not even have words other than “I’m not happy in this relationship.” You are going to have to figure out how to do that and I feel for you, it’s frustrating and confusing, but you aren’t entitled to every thought he has until it makes sense to you. He shared the important one with you.

    #923617 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Just another random observation, I didn’t accuse you of anything nefarious. I assumed you got the info about his communications with this girl by creeping on his FB page and seeing comments on a post or something. That is a thing we’ve all done, and regretted doing, after a breakup. That’s what I thought was going on. Now you’re flipping out all scandalized and saying “someone” hacked into his account. Who would be motivated to do that? Who would be most likely to know the password or figure it out? I actually didn’t think you did anything wrong, but now I kind of do?

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