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5 Year relationship gone with no explanation

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  • #924542 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    Thing is I’m currently going through the process of a break up after 5 years, I am going through every different emotion, one minute I’m sad, the next I am angry. Since writing my first post I have had time to reflect on more things and more issues. So yes, maybe I’m also writing my responses all from different mood points but please understand that I am going through a huge change in my life.

    The thing is I know we were happy, I know I said I had to talk to him after the first break up, that wasn’t me saying I sat there and FORCED anything on him. I didn’t word it correctly and that is on me. The first break up was a big misunderstanding between us and so we talked it out. It is definitely difficult without having both sides of the story, but I always had him in mind in everything I did as well. He wanted to train to be a mechanic so I would help him look for courses etc and if he wanted to look alone then that was fine as well. He loved photography so we always looked for new places to go to get photos and I bought him a new camera so he could pursue that hobby more. I really don’t think I am controlling or emotionally manipulating, I personally just have been hit with shock and want to understand and it was all so sudden. Going from talking every day about anything and everything going from being best friends etc it is extremely difficult. I will agree I need therapy but I don’t think that I have emotionally manipulated him.

    #924555 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I just think there was a lot of push in the relationship from your side. It doesn’t read as you both prioritizing it equally and putting the same effort in. And I mean, an adult shouldn’t need their partner to research jobs and programs for them, for something they want to do. My mom did that kind of thing for me back when I was a teenager/young adult and totally apathetic about life. He probably doesn’t want/need a mom. It sounds like he wants to be free and have fun right now.

    #924580 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    And you said “I know we were happy,” but you also said he was depressed. If you’re depressed, you’re unhappy. I’ve been depressed before when I was in a relationship that was no longer working, for a while before I ended it. And after it was over, I was ok. Depression isn’t always a clinical thing that’s constantly present. It can be situational, or made worse by life events.

    #924669 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    Oh of course, he maybe does feel mothered, but everyone around him only acts like it cause he just doesn’t have any push. And I would only help him look if he wanted it. Of course I would sometimes just ask if he was going to look for a new job or anything but only cause I care about him and want him to be happy and at the job he’s in right now he isn’t.

    When I say I knew we were happy I meant for the first 4 and a half years. I know that his depression started during lockdown and that’s when I noticed the change in himself and the relationship. So I meant like before all this I know he was happy sorry I should’ve stated that 🙂

    #924682 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Ok, you’ve got a justification for absolutely everything. I’m still not sure what you’re looking for here.

    #926550 Reply
    avatarBailey
    Guest

    “Oh of course, he maybe does feel mothered, but everyone around him only acts like it cause he just doesn’t have any push. And I would only help him look if he wanted it. Of course I would sometimes just ask if he was going to look for a new job or anything but only cause I care about him and want him to be happy and at the job he’s in right now he isn’t.

    When I say I knew we were happy I meant for the first 4 and a half years. I know that his depression started during lockdown and that’s when I noticed the change in himself and the relationship. So I meant like before all this I know he was happy sorry I should’ve stated that.”

    Okay, at this point, the justification is painting a clear picture. You were the problem in the relationship. Everyone around him wasn’t trying to force him into an unwanted relationship. The common denominator is YOU. Seriously, nobody wants to be parented by their SO. Admit that YOU messed up and that this relationship isn’t salvageable. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Get help.

    #926559 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s pretty clear that you’re always right and not open to feedback. What we’re saying here isn’t getting through, so I can imagine what your ex was trying to tell you wasn’t getting through either.

    #926768 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    We only have your side and from what you’ve told us, it’s pretty evident that you were running things. Sure, maybe it’s because he was content to sit back and let life happen around him or to him while you’re more focused on getting what you want. Neither approach is wrong – but when a watcher and a do-er pair up… well you’ve seen the results.

    Everyone goes through bouts of being less motivated – but after a year – I think you can conclude, it is innate in his personality. You’re not wrong for being ambitious. You’re not wrong for trying to help – but at some point, helping turns into pushing and you end up with more of a parent/child than partner relationship. He didn’t want what you wanted – or maybe he didn’t want that with you. I know that hurts to read, and I’m not trying to hurt you.

    #927356 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    Everything you’re all saying is getting through. And from the get go I blamed myself for the break up and he consistently told me it wasn’t me I hadn’t done anything wrong.

    I am very open to criticism and I’m not trying to make excuses or justify anything. From my perspective I cared about him and wanted him to be happy and yes I probably did handle it in the wrong way and I will admit that. I never meant that in a malicious way though. Yes no one forced him to be in this relationship, but I also haven’t. Everything he has said to me during our time together I did take on board, and I’ll admit when he broke up with me it wasn’t getting through to me cause I was shocked. I know when I wrote this I was just vulnerable and in a really low state and what I should have written was How should I keep myself distracted and busy. But at that exact moment I just missed him. And I still do but with a clearer mind now.
    And I am far from perfect and far from always right. But it is painful to read strangers misinterpreting something you’ve said cause you’ve typed it maybe in not the best way?

    I agree a watcher and a do-er don’t mix and I have learnt that. It does all hurt and it does all suck but yeah. I have taken everything everyone has said on board. My intention was never to mother him and to come across in any way like I was trying to ’emotionally manipulate’ him. But sometimes how you feel and what your intentions are don’t come off the right way in your actions. I can see why people have said what they’ve said and I get it. I just do want to make it clear that those were never my intentions.

    I’m sorry if people think I’m trying to justify this, that and the other. I honestly am just going off discussions I have had with him. These are all things we spoke about on the day of the break up and on that day he had nothing to lose so in my head I feel like he would have said it all then and maybe that is naive of me.

    Thank you everyone for all you’ve said, I do appreciate it.

    #927434 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    So because he didn’t give you a litany of everything he didn’t like about the relationship and how you acted, you concluded that you did nothing wrong and have nothing to learn?

    Listen, it doesn’t work that way. Sure, if someone is super angry and betrayed, they will tell you all about how you hurt them. But most people when they’re breaking up with you just want you to go on your way and not be upset, so they’re not going to break down for you every reason they were unhappy and everything you did that bugged them. Especially if you’re sitting there beating yourself up and they feel bad. They’re not going to be honest with you. Do you think they want to sit there and rehash it with you and argue about it? Give you all kinds of material to try to defend and justify yourself and/or convince them you’ll change?? For what will honestly be hours? No, they just want to wrap it up.

    You need to actually be aware of how your behavior here was problematic, and I don’t think you are. You basically just said you’re hearing us but you don’t think you did anything wrong because he said you didn’t.

    #927447 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Or I mean, you don’t even have to learn anything from this experience, you just need to accept that he was unhappy in the relationship, it wasn’t working for him, and he’s done. It seems like you think if you didn’t do anything wrong then he’ll come around and change his mind.

    #927478 Reply
    avatarAnonymousJ
    Participant

    No. From the get go of the break up I mentioned all these things everyone here has pointed out. I said I pushed him too much, I said he felt smothered. Not trying to make him feel bad trying to make sense of it in my head. I can’t be bothered to argue with people that don’t know me don’t know him and don’t know the last 5 years.

    I don’t expect him to come around and change his mind. And I get that he wasn’t happy. I’m not sat around waiting for him. I haven’t concluded that I did nothing wrong, like I said I am far from perfect. I do see where my behaviour was ‘problematic’ but I am saying that I never acted how I did in a malicious way and I NEVER did anything to cause a problem. But unfortunately the effort I put in was with someone that didn’t want it. Simple as. That doesn’t make me a bad person it means I just spent time on the wrong person.

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