“That doesn’t make me a bad person it means I just spent time on the wrong person.”
I wholeheartedly agree, both that it doesn’t make you a bad person and that you spent a lot of time and effort on the wrong bf. The next step is therapy to learn why you did this, why you clung so hard for so long to an attempt to make a go of this mismatch, and what you can do differently to avoid a repeat. In all situations like this, of relationships going sour because of a profound mismatch, the biggest things to learn are why you made that choice and how to avoid a repeat.
I may be totally off base here, but to me a lot of what you wrote suggests that you chose a guy who would let you take the lead and basically run your joint lives, thinking this was a way to avoid pairing with a guy who was likely to hurt you emotionally. You were probably wise to avoid an alpha male, but you went too far in the other direction, choosing what you describe as ‘no push’. ‘No push’ has come to wear severely upon you, but at the start, I think this is something that at least your subconscious sought.