Tagged: Long term relationship advise
- This topic has 145 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by MarieRose.
- October 3, 2019 at 7:50 pm #853764VathenaGuest
In addition to financial info, be sure you have things like your passport, birth certificate, SS card. Just in case. Good luck and please update if you get a chance! Hopefully it’ll go smoothly. Then you can turn your thoughts to whether or not you want to stick with this guy… but tbh he’s not sounding like great husband and father material. :/October 3, 2019 at 9:40 pm #853766LeonGuest
I won’t add anything else, as everyone has said what was needed to be said. Just let us know how things work out in the future. Take care!October 3, 2019 at 10:20 pm #853767MaltaKanoGuest
Yeah I feel super invested in this saga. Good luck, Jane!October 4, 2019 at 2:25 pm #853783CurlyQueParticipant
Hope the conversation went well and that he surprised everyone and signed it w/out hesitation.October 4, 2019 at 4:04 pm #853791BittergaymarkGuest
He SO did NOT sign it. But only for the very best reasons… 🙄October 5, 2019 at 3:43 am #853797
I’m assuming that since you said your friend can bring the document next week to be signed that nothing has happened yet. When she shows up with the document you will have your moment of truth. You will find out what his intent has been the entire time you’ve been purchasing the house.
Either he will happily sign saying something about how he didn’t know it was this easy or that he didn’t know that you could have someone come to your home. The key is that he will be happy to sign. That means his intent has always been to add you as an co-owner of the house.
Or, he will balk or even outright refuse to sign. If he balks it means that his intent has been to use you and had no intent to add you as a co-owner. If he does this it will permanently alter the way you see him. He will go from a fundamentally nice guy who is busy to someone who has consciously used you for his own financial gain.
You need to think about how you will frame your request for him to sign. You shouldn’t tell him ahead of time that you will be presenting him with a document to sign. If you do, he will likely not be home while your friend is there with the document. If you do tell him and he avoids being home at that time you will know that no matter what excuse he gives for not showing up he has no intent to add you as a co-owner. Again, you will know that you have been used.
So, don’t give advance warning. When your friend arrives with the document tell your boyfriend that you had been telling your friend about how he wants to add you as a co-owner of the home but that he had been top busy to do it. Your friend had told you she could come to your home to help out and here she is. Isn’t that nice of her to help us out. Try to phrase in terms of her helping us. Make this a we situation. We are a couple buying a house together. We are investing in this property together. We are in this together. Try to use terms like we and us. He is a part of the we and of course he wants us to own this house together. You need to use words that will make him identify with you as a partner, the two of you doing this jointly.
This situation puts your boyfriend on the spot. If he refuses to sign he will look bad to your friend. It suddenly makes it look like he is using you and there is your friend to see it happening. He is suddenly not the nice guy who is busy but the user boyfriend gaining financially. You need him to sign. Put him on the spot.
If he refuses to sign I think it is then okay to use the words back to him that his mother uses to put you down. She puts down gold diggers. If he refuses to sign point out that if he takes your money but refuses to make you a co-owner that makes him a gold digger. Ask if he is a gold digger. Yes or no. If the answer is yes he will give some long meandering excuse about how he intends to make you a co-owner but can’t do it at this moment. Again, cut right back to your question. Don’t discuss his meandering excuse. Are you a gold digger? He needs to answer with a yes or no. If the answer is yes he will refuse to acknowledge what he is doing. If the answer is no he isn’t a gold digger point out that if he isn’t using you he will be happy to sign.
If you don’t get a signature you should leave when your friend leaves. Tell him you are done. You believed in him and now you see him for who he really is. He’s been using you for his own personal financial gain. He won’t like being the bad guy. He will be denying what he has been doing but it will be obvious who and what he is. He has likely never acknowledged to himself that he is just using you. He probably frames it in his mind that he is protecting himself. If you protect yourself to the point that you take someones money you are using them. He will try to argue with you. Don’t argue. Just keep repeating that he used you and you are done. It’s okay to say things like I believed in you and thought you had my back. Now I see you’ve just been using me. But, don’t spend much time talking. Just leave. Make the consequence of him using you to him being alone. He needs to lose you. He needs to have a severe consequence. If he is going to take your money he can’t have you and, importantly, he can’t have any more of your money. You walk out and you quit paying half of the mortgage and you quit paying for improvements. You are done. He will have to come up with the money on his own. Make his gain be his investment.October 5, 2019 at 4:22 am #853798
Of course it will hurt if you break up. Emotional loss is always painful. Emotional bonds are hard to break and you have strong emotional ties to him. I had a first boyfriend that I intended to marry. He told me all of the time how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. He, at the same time, was cheating on me. I broke up with him and it hurt. It was a full year and a half before I was ready to date again. I was hurt and angry. I was angry that he lied to me and presented himself as someone he wasn’t. He didn’t have my back. He wasn’t loyal. I believed in him completely until I couldn’t. I wished someone would beat him up in a dark alley. I never acted on this wish but I thought it. I was really angry for a long time.
As time went by I wasn’t as angry. Then I was finally ready to date and I was picky. I waited until I met someone I really liked and really wanted to date. That person ended up being my husband. We’ve been married for 32 years. I reached a point where I was glad my old boyfriend had cheated on me because it forced me to break up. I ended up in a much better, much happier relationship. Sometimes we have to go through pain to reach a better point in life. It is better to have a shorter term but intense pain, like 18 months of hurt and anger, than to spend years being unhappy. Long term, relentless pain wears you down until you are miserable. You are probably now in the long term, relentless pain. It is wearing you down. That’s why you are writing in for advice. You are looking for someone to say everything will be alright. We can’t say that. Our experience, from our own lives, says your best chance of happiness is to break up and move on. We want to help you get your money back and to be happy. We want you to find happiness. We are using our experience to try and help you. We are giving you the advice we think is most likely to help you reach your life goals of marriage and family.
Two people can love each other but be incompatible because their life goals don’t match. You want marriage and children and he doesn’t. Those two things tend to be deal breakers. It doesn’t mean either of you is bad for what you want, it just means you don’t match and there is no compromise. There is no halfway between being married or being unmarried. You are either one or the other. The same for being parents. You either are parents or you aren’t. It hurts to realize that you love someone very much but aren’t compatible for spending life together.
The financial gain he is making off of you is bad. One thing I have found through the years is that if you see someone lying to others they will lie to you. When he makes it look like he is paying the entire mortgage out of his own income to make his taxes work out better he is lying to the government. He is willing to lie for his own financial gain. When you see that know that he is also willing to lie to you for his own financial gain. How he treats others, even the government, is how you can expect him to treat you. If he lies he is a liar. You aren’t more special than anyone else when it comes to his lies. He will lie to you in the same manner.
The same for the things that his family accuses you of doing. When you are doing nothing but being accused of being a gold digger there is a high probability that his family are gold diggers. It’s on their minds. It’s how they operate. I’ve never been been friends with anyone who constantly brings up gold digging. Do you know anyone else who talks that way? That is a warning sign to you. The things that someone constantly worries about are the things that they probably do. His mom probably gave him the guidance on how to get himself set up as the owner of your property but he agreed with the idea and executed it. Accusing you of being a gold digger has actually been useful to him. It has made you not question the fairness of the 50/50 split the two of you have financially. It has also kept you from pushing hard to be added as a co-owner. Their accusations have kept you on the defensive and left them on the offensive. The accusation has kept you vulnerable and allowed you to be used. It is time to stand up for yourself. You shouldn’t pay another penny toward the mortgage or the maintenance of the property. You aren’t the owner. You are investing in something where you get nothing in return for your investment. This is a hard learning experience for you. Never put your money into something if you don’t own your share of it. You are young enough to recover from this if you find out that he has no intention of adding you as co-owner. The longer this goes on the less likely you will be to recover financially. You could end up trapped in a relationship because you can’t leave. In the end you could spend your life with him and if he died before you his family would own your investment. You would be dependent on them for a place to live. Do you think they would be kind and understanding? Do you want to be in that position? They would own your investment while you owned nothing. At the very least, if this doesn’t cause you to break up, spend no more on his house. Tell him that you’ve realized you need to invest in something that you will own and since he owns the house he will need to spend his own money on it. You will be saving your money for an investment that you own. Do not be pushed out of that position. If you stand firm you will probably be called a gold digger. Don’t cave to that kind of manipulation. You just repeat that a gold digger is someone who takes someone else’s money and you aren’t doing that but he is. Keep in mind that in this situation he is the gold digger. It isn’t about who makes the most money but who is using the other and who is being used. He is using you so he is the gold digger. He is rather blatantly using you. He can only use you as long as you agree to be used. It is time to opt out of being used. It is time to say no. He either will respect you more for standing up to him or he will be done because this has been about getting as much gain out of you as possible and when their is no gain he will dump you.
You can hope that he will respect you more and begin to treat you as an equal. You can hope for the best but at the same time you should prepare for the worst. Be prepared to take your things and leave. Have your most important items in your car before your friend arrives. Be prepared to be strong. You can do this. Right now he isn’t treating you with respect. You deserve respect.October 7, 2019 at 7:40 am #853861lucia_laGuest
anyone else anxiously awaiting an update on this?October 7, 2019 at 11:09 am #853882LeonGuest
Meeee!October 8, 2019 at 12:14 am #853936saneincaGuest
Awesome Skyblossom. You anticipated all the arguments he may use and provided perfect responses.
Have you ever thought of a career as a life coach ?
(I had one in my twenties and that helped me a lot in life)October 8, 2019 at 8:06 pm #854006
I’m really worried about this OP. I worry that when he realizes she will either own half of the house or she will leave him he will become violent. He is used to being in control. I especially worry because the LW hasn’t been back to comment or update.
I haven’t thought about being a life coach. I think it would be interesting.October 10, 2019 at 12:30 am #854120chopchopMember
You know he may end but rebounding from you, getting married and having kids and you will be left with nothing. You are answering your own questions lovely. Now you just need the courage and belief in your own worth and jump.