Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

6.5 years, need advice and thoughts!

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  • This topic has 145 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 3 months ago by avatarMarieRose.
Viewing 12 posts - 121 through 132 (of 146 total)
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  • #854125 Reply
    avatarHannaMarin
    Member

    I just sat and read through the entire thing and I’m utterly speechless. Any updates?

    #854623 Reply

    It would be great to have an update!

    #854625 Reply

    And yeah, Skyblossom is consistently AMAZING!

    #854687 Reply
    avatarJkk183
    Guest

    Please don’t marry this guy if his mother treats you this way and he doesn’t stand up for you. Like everyone else is saying. You are 24! When I was 24 I desperately wanted to get married, so much so I gave my now Ex husband an ultimatum. He proposed and we separated 4 months after the wedding. He constantly threw my insistence to marry in my face every time we had an argument. It will be no different with your boyfriend. Frankly you should have just ended it when he dumped you to be with other women. He may love you but dumping you for a week and uprooting your life just so he can bang other chicks doesn’t really make him a catch (and honestly he probably only asked you back cause the grass wasn’t greener) finding a man who wants to get married is VERY hard these days, I’m not gonna lie. It’s been 10 years since my divorce and I still haven’t remarried. I have been happier than I ever was with my ex though and if you give yourself a chance to live a life not dictated by another persons decisions I’m willing to bet you will be happier too.

    #854689 Reply
    avatarRebecca
    Guest

    There is no right or wrong when it comes to getting married vs not getting married. What is important is that you have a partner who shares the same vision as you do for the future. Couples can and should compromise on some things, but the BIG things like whether to marry and whether to have kids should not be compromised on. These are deal breaker issues and you need to be prepared to leave this relationship. The future he is offering you is not a future you could ever be happy in long term.

    I know you have been with this guy for a long time, but you are still very young. You still have loads of time to find a partner you are actually compatible with. The first few months of dating should be figuring out if you are on the same page. If you do that then you can avoid investing into another multi-year relationship with a man who isn’t traveling the same path as you. Of course you didn’t think about that when you were 17 and in love for the first time (few teens do!). But now that you are a grown woman you will know how to get more of your needs met in your next relationship. Communicate upfront about where you see your life going. Make sure he is as enthusiastic about that path as you are.

    #855020 Reply
    avatarJae Jae
    Guest

    So, I don’t know where you live (US or abroad), but you did not buy a house together. In the US, you would’ve had to be present at the closing for the loan. Since you weren’t, that would mean he never intended for your name to be on the title or deed. And, he’s never going to add your name because, should your relationship end, he doesn’t want to split the property 50/50 with you.

    He bought a house; you’re just his tenant. His tenant that is paying half his bills and helping him increase the value of his investment.

    Also, I doubt he will ever marry you. He’s just waiting for the right person to come along that he does want to marry. And, I’m sorry to say, he’ll probably marry that someone else within two years of you guys breaking up.

    Leave him.

    #855417 Reply
    avatarjanedoe
    Member

    UPDATE:

    Sorry that this has taken so long but I’ve been busy.

    The first thing that I want to update you all about is that he FINALLY stood up to his mother. His family was visiting town briefly and we went out to breakfast. Of course, his mom showed up too and almost immediately started drilling into me over who knows what. I hardly talk to her anymore and I just kind of let my eyes glaze over and didn’t really listen, just more of the same old I’m a POS blah blah blah because she decided she had a stick up her ass that morning. Then out of nowhere my bf pretty forcefully tells her “ENOUGH” and it got really quiet. She sat through the rest of breakfast quietly glaring at the two of us and the conversation awkwardly resumed to normal family talk eventually. After we left, she apparently told his aunt that I am brainwashing her son because he would never raise his voice to his mother and that I’m a bad influence and destroying their relationship. Most of his family actually likes me so his aunt told him about her comment later out of concern. He then proceeded to drive to her house and chew her out for the way that she treats and talks about me. She was actually having a small get together with her friends and I smile at the thought of her being called out for being a horribly rude and bitter woman in front of everyone (I wasn’t there and I didn’t hear about this part until he got home and told me). This probably won’t help the fact that she already doesn’t like me, but it made me feel so good now that he finally stood up for me, TWICE. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t know why he didn’t say anything before when she was being rude or mean, but it still feels nice now. (Also, I obviously did not tell ANYONE about this thread or that I was working with a notary to do a house call for paperwork, so this was all him.)

    And for the question you are all asking, did he sign?

    It took a while for my notary friend and I to work out a date after work hours (she has a family and children of her own with school and activities) but she finally was able to come over this last weekend. I told him that she was coming over to bring me something and that she could notarize a title for a vehicle that he needed to sign. When she got to our house I let them do the vehicle title and then nonchalantly slid the quit claim in front of him and said we can get this out of the way too just in case he has to leave for work again this winter. He just kind of gave me a knowing look, like “oh, so that’s why you really asked her to come over”. But he took the paper from me and read through it and signed without a word. He wasn’t mad or defensive, he actually smirked at me when he gave me the look. Truth be told, he has seemed different since having the altercation with his mom. He seems more at ease and happier somehow? Maybe he feels like a weight has lifted off his shoulders too? I can’t really say. But I can say that our relationship feels like it shifted, in a good way. He doesn’t seem so boxed in and detached. He has been showing me a lot more affection and support in the past week and he seems happier to do it.

    Like I said, I never told a soul about anything and I haven’t said anything to him about wanting more affection or anything. I honestly don’t know what is going on but my head is spinning with happiness from everything that has happened. I don’t know if someone we know found this thread and told him, but I HIGHLY doubt it.

    And I know some of you are still going to tell me to break up with him but I am still undecided and it is ultimately my decision. You may think that I am dumb or weak, but I just want to live in the moment and enjoy myself. Whatever happens, happens, and that is all on me. But I don’t have to live in the fear of him dumping me and losing everything again. I’m not scared anymore. I am just going to live my life and make the best of it how I see fit.

    I want to thank everyone for your comments and support. This started as strictly a relationship thread, but turned into a legal matter quickly (for obvious reasons, I know). I didn’t think this is what I needed support and outcome for but this has completely been an eye opener. Thank you again for investing your time and thoughts into my conflict, I am elated.

    #855418 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Ok personally I think he needed to have that smirk slapped off his fucking face (not physically but metaphorically), and I don’t like him one bit from how you’ve described him, and I feel there’s a serious power imbalance in the relationship and that living in the moment is all well and good if you don’t want kids.

    But I’m so glad you’re now a legal owner of the home. Excellent that you did that. Not at alllll okay that you had to basically trick him into it, but.

    #855419 Reply

    So what about the whole having children thing, though? I’m glad he signed (I’m not sure how quit claims work) but do you have verification now, that you legally own half the house? And what about the mortgage? Are you named on the mortgage now? You also have to be filing as a coowner. Did you bring up all the tax refunds he pocketed? Have you spoken about the income/ splitting things equitably?

    I mean I agree with Kate that this update is still very problematic. You basically sprung signing the quit claim on him. Which is fine, because we were concerned he wouldn’t sign it, but- did you talk about it? You haven’t discussed the major life goals variances you both have. And time is still marching on.

    The stuff with his mom is a good first step, but you don’t actually know what happened when you weren’t there. Remember everything she knows about you is what he has shared with her. Until he creates real actual boundaries, I wouldn’t start believing everything is fine and dandy based upon some winks and a smirk and him saying ENOUGH at brunch. It kind of sounds like he’s allowing her to believe this is all you influencing him, instead of standing up and taking the responsibility himself.

    You need to talk about what you want vs what he does. You were not on the same page in regards to that before. Talking through things is an essential part of a successful relationship. Communication is vital. Especially if you actually want marriage and kids. And I think it’s worth bringing up what happened when he left you and kicked you out. There is a lot of unresolved stuff here. You aren’t going to have the life you want if you just go with HIS flow right now. That’s what he wants you to do. Time is on his side. And it’s not on yours.

    #855420 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Yeah. You’re grasping at straws here — so desperate to stay — when really… heading for the exit would be the much smarter bet here…

    #855421 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You know what, the way he’s dealing with his mother is very problematic as well. Yelling at her impulsively during a family brunch (after how many years of letting her treat you like that) and impulsively going over to her house to chew her out in front of friends, is NOT a model of mature, boundary-setting, conflict-managing, respectful, and loving behavior. There are so many better ways for him to address her treatment of you. My god.

    #855422 Reply
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    What @Kate said. Your elation that he drove to his mom’s to call her out in front of the friends she was hosting is about as troubling and immature as the fact that he did that in the first place. Good grief.

    If you’re happy to be in the kind of relationship where you have to trick your boyfriend into signing a deed, though… congrats, I guess.

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