Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

6.5 years, need advice and thoughts!

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice 6.5 years, need advice and thoughts!

  • This topic has 145 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarMarieRose.
Viewing 12 posts - 133 through 144 (of 146 total)
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  • #855423 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It sounds like he has no concept of communicating with women in a way that isn’t manipulative, belittling, or outright aggressive. And you play right into that by being meek and passive. I mean it’s a match made in dysfunctional heaven.

    #855424 Reply
    avatarAllornone
    Guest

    I’m glad you’re happy and I’m REALLY glad he signed the deed, but what of marriage? Children? Both are important to you and he hasn’t addressed either. You need to have a frank conversation, one where he doesn’t give vague answers and lays out clear intentions. I know you love him, but for your sake, please have that discussion. You don’t want to waste your reproductive years on false promises.

    #855425 Reply
    MaterialsGirlMaterialsGirl
    Participant

    You would need to refinance to have her on the mortgage title as well. SHe has ownership, but not financial responsibility for the mortgage

    #855426 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    I interpreted the smirk differently – that he was thinking about how his mom was going to react. Now that he’s strapped his balls back on, and he realizes that his mother doesn’t really control him anymore, I’d be interested to see how this plays out.

    Jane – don’t start planning a wedding just yet. See if this is an anomaly or if this is a more permanent condition.

    However, all in all, not a bad update.

    #855430 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    Please put money aside for the eventual need for lawyers and find/need to move out money. Partition of property is expensive and time consuming. Call it the train wreak fund.

    #855431 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    Call me paranoid, but something about this smells to high heaven. He suddenly stands up to his mother, tells you (you didn’t actually see it) that he publicly confronted her, and then smirks all the way thru the signing…….. I’m very glad you’re happy and that you now have some security and an interest in the house, but this guy has a plan and I don’t think you’re best interests are a part of that.

    #855432 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker
    Guest

    *your. Sheesh.

    #855441 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I agree with the others- it’s great that he signed the paperwork. But you two need to be having more extensive talks. If you are 100% sure you do not want biological children of your own then I’d say go ahead and take some time if you need it. But if you do, I don’t think you have the luxury of time. The treatment from his mother is worse than we realized I think – she has spent years literally outright saying horrible things about you to your boyfriend’s face and he said nothing until a few days ago? And then his response was to one day unexpectedly go off the rails in front of her friends. Just….wow. After that I’d be more worried about him up and leaving me one day, not less. There’s also still the reality that he’s made it very clear he never wants to get married. And there are many more financial issues to iron out, including the tax cut he’s been collecting with your money. Please get into counseling. And don’t put off the tough conversations with him.

    #855442 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    @Jane i’m VERY happy that he signed the deed

    Beyond that though you haven’t had ONE conversation with him about your concerns. He’s “suddenly” treating his mother badly for you and “suddenly” treating you with more affection and your “elated.” You’re just going with whatever he’s deciding and doing and not actively participating in a relationship with him. Why are you afraid to talk to him about your needs? Why is he suddenly treating you differently? I’ll be honest and say my first thought is he cheated and this is his guilty conscious.

    Your young and want to go with the flow and live life day by day but that doesn’t work with the very real adult decisions you have to make regarding your fertility and future. If you just want to play house and play by his rules fine, that’s what you’re doing. But i hope that changes.

    #855450 Reply
    SkyblossomSkyblossom
    Participant

    Good news about the house, especially that he signed without balking.

    Is it possible that he looked at your browsing history and read the entire thread?

    It can be hard for anyone who has a domineering parent to break free from that parent and stand up to them. Many take far longer to reach that point. Some never do.

    I’m glad that you both seem happier.

    If you live in the moment for now and lose the ability to have children will you be regretful in the future? Most young women could wait another decade before taking this issue seriously but unfortunately you don’t have a decade. Normally I would urge anyone who is your age to wait until they were at least 25 before considering getting married. Maturity helps make marriages successful and time often gives young couples the ability to see whether they should stay together. I don’t think it is good to rush marriage at the same time it isn’t good to put off children if you have such a limited amount of time.

    Do you have the financial means to bank some eggs? If not could you save enough to do it?

    That would help you to preserve some fertility while at the same time not rushing a relationship too fast.

    #855460 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    A lot of changed behavior in a short time. He stood up to his mother, he signed the quit claim. He does have trouble communicating and accepting reality. Same is true about LW. Good luck to LW, the update indicates that this relationship has a chance. Still a lot of work needed, but it has a chance.

    #855648 Reply
    avatarMMR
    Guest

    Omg… I just read through most of this… please don’t have a kid with this guy. It’s one thing for you to willingly put up with his shit, but please don’t force a child to.

    The only way he knows how to express himself is in angry, unplanned outbursts. What’s going to happen when you add the stress and daily toil of having a kid? I suspect he’ll turn around, accuse you of tricking him into parenthood and crawl back to Mommy. I’m already heart broken at the thought of your poor kid being continuously rejected by a father that couldn’t care less about them when it’s inconvenient him.

    The fact that you’re so over the moon about him finally (after 6.5 years!) treating you like you actually have valid feelings just underscores how fucked up your relationship is. As you know, he’s likely to change his tune in about a week, so don’t get used to it. Five years from now he’ll be humiliating you in front of your friends and you’ll realize that it’s not brave or noble, it’s a shitty thing that selfish people do because they don’t care how other people feel.

    Do what you want, but please do make a kid pay for your poor judgement.

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