Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

6.5 years, need advice and thoughts!

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  • This topic has 145 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by avatarMarieRose.
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  • #853635 Reply


    I have a similar predicament, a hereditary medical issue that I have been dealing with for a little over a year now. My grandmother had a full hysterectomy at 21 because of this condition… the doctors I’ve been going to are telling me that at least a partial procedure needs to happen soon so that I am not in so much pain all the time. I’m afraid that if I wait too much longer that I won’t ever have the chance to have my own biological children because my reproductive system will shut itself down in ??? years or months… hard to say.

    I think that’s why all of this has been on my mind so much lately, marriage and children. And I’m going to be selfish again and say that I know I could adopt, but I want a mini me…

    To everyone else, WOW, this is hard to hear but I think I needed it. So, even though it hurts and I’m tearing up reading these, thank you. Not sure what I’m going to do. I might take some of your advice and go see a therapist on my own…

    #853636 Reply

    Dear Lord, you spent your money as down payment for a house without your name on the deed ? Whatever made you do that ?

    From your first post I thought dude sounds like a jerk. But now I am sure he is a manipulative jerk. I suggest you take your money back immediately.

    If he does not believe in marriage it is fine. He should be with someone who feels the same way. And you should be with someone who shares your goals of marriage and kids.

    I promise you it will not be the end of world if you breakup.

    #853637 Reply

    Oh my God Jane.

    “ He does make about double what I do, but I have always paid half of our bills with him.”

    Why should you pay 50% when he makes twice as much? That’s not equitable. When I moved in with my now-husband, I made more and we pro-rated things. That 50/50 thing isn’t fair.

    Not putting your name on the deed is EGREGIOUS. That was deliberate on his part, make no mistake. That’s very messed up. And you know what, he can put you on the deed anytime. My dad put me on the deed to a condo my parents own, just for security purposes.

    What in the ever loving f?

    #853638 Reply

    This is what we call a dealbreaker- when you have fundamental different goals in life. He doesn’t want marriage at all. You do. He doesn’t want children at all- you do. These are huge issues. I really doubt he will change his mind at all.

    I also think it’s a big deal that:

    -he broke up with you on a holiday because he wants to sleep with other girls.

    -his mom doesn’t like you.

    -he refuses to go to a couples counselor because “it’s stupid”

    -you split the bills 50/50 even though he makes twice the amount you do.

    -you can’t get through to him emotionally. He knows how you want him to feel about these lifestyle things (and you) but he doesn’t. This is the person he is. He can’t change his entire emotional self.

    BUT ALSO- you buried the lede here:

    -you paid for half of the down payment and half the mortgage but YOUR NAME ISN’T ON THE DEED!!!!! That means he owns it all. He could kick you out tomorrow and you’d get nothing.

    You need to demand your name get on the deed now. Seriously, that should have happened when you bought the house. It’s bs you were busy working, they could have scheduled that around you.

    His mother should not be this involved in your relationship. I think you’re kidding yourself that this relationship is going to ever work out. You want completely different things. He’s not all that, either. He wants to sleep with other women!

    I know you’re afraid to be alone, but getting over that fear is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself in life. Giving that fear up means you only add people who make your life better, easier, happier.

    I do think you should go see a therapist or counselor, even if he won’t.

    I also do think you should break up, but you need to get your name on the deed first.

    Tell him today you want to be on the deed like yesterday. That’s unbelievable and I feel like he’s taking advantage of you. Don’t be naive, people fall out of love fast, as ugly divorce suit can show you. Get yourself on the deed and get what’s yours.

    #853639 Reply

    His mother called you a gold digging whore.

    And your bf stills talks to her and has her in his life. How do you think he talks about you to her, if that’s what she calls you? JFC.

    Get on the deed. ASAP. And then GTFO.

    #853640 Reply

    I have been asking for the 2 years that we have owned the house for my name to be added. I even called the title company and had them draft up the papers. It would cost $7.00 total. He just has to be there to sign in front of a notary between 8-5. He claims that he is very busy at work and can only do it in the winter when it’s slower but his job sent him to the other side of the country last winter. He promises this winter, but he gets a bit upset when I bring it up. I think what his mom says is weighing on him because he asks why it’s so important to me when I ask when we’re going to do it. Like he thinks I want to do it just so that I can safely break up with him…

    #853641 Reply

    This is seriously concerning. His mom called you a gold-digging whore! That’s insane! She doesn’t want you on the deed to a house you jointly bought. And yeah, he could kick you out and you will have LOST all that money. I’m apoplectic right now. Omg. Get your name on the deed. See a lawyer. If your company has an employee assistance program, you could potentially see one for free. Omg omg omg.

    #853642 Reply

    “ Like he thinks I want to do it just so that I can safely break up with him…”

    That’s not why. It’s because he doesn’t want you on the deed, and his mom is batshit crazy.

    #853643 Reply

    Like this is something he could do on a *lunch break.*

    I got married at the courthouse on a lunch break (after we got married in Mexico but not legally). I’ve taken a morning off work to close on a house.

    He’s bullshitting you so hard.

    #853644 Reply

    I would absolutely call a lawyer if he’s so far refused to sign. Hire a notary to come to work with you and make him sign it. Jesus. He’s ripping you off and pretending it’s because he’s afraid you will.

    This is a great example of how you’re living your life under his conditions.

    #853645 Reply

    Save all documents proving you’ve paid for half the down and the mortgage. Bank statements, etc. All of it.

    #853646 Reply

    And please don’t forget: HE broke up with YOU. With your name not on the deed. And could do it again literally any day.

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