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A big fat ego

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  • #964043 Reply

    I have this family member in my life “Jessie”. We are stuck living with each other during this time and I am trying to figure out how to communicate in a way to get through with this person but my anger keeps getting in the way every time I come across Jessie.

    How my current situation came to be began around early lockdown. I moved back home when schools closed down which resulted with living with my family. After the first couple months of lockdown, I was noticing that Jessie, who have been living with our parents for several years now, was not contributing with chores or bills. Jessie had a job but due to the lockdown, was off of work for several weeks on end. J barely helped out around the house. I wasn’t expecting J to be a housekeeper or something but I couldn’t believe after all these years, our parents are still cleaning up after him and he wasn’t contributing to rent/groceries/utilities! I just felt so disappointed because J is someone who always talking about pursuing further education, looking for a stable job to pay back our parents, and moving out “eventually”. I would think with all that saved up money (since he wasn’t helping out with bills), he should be able to move out by now. If there was no one who cooked or the food was low, J would rather starve than come out and do something about it. Obviously, I don’t need to go over cleaning because you can probably guess. I talked with our mother about him and she felt the same way. She said that he has been like this even before the lockdown too. At this point, I was just pissed off. She said that he was getting too old to keep nagging at him and he would a lot of the times react in defensive manner which tired our parents out. At this rate, they’re making everything so comfortable for him, he definitely won’t move out anytime soon. Sooo I finally blew up on J, I was pushed to my limit with tolerating him. After the first confrontation, yes there’s more to come, he was really passive aggressive with JUST WASHING THE DISHES. He did things here and there which quickly ceased after a few weeks. Which I found out that he would not help around the house when he helped out with bills. It felt as if he would walk arrogantly around when he did but would stay in his room when he didn’t. Other confrontations never got anywhere. At this point, I have given up on expecting J to even help out. What I have to deal with now is his ego. Yeah, apparently me being genuine with him calling out his freeloading, lazy, and stuck up attitude really damaged his pride. Every time I asked what was the problem, J would calmly answer me then proceed to passively aggressively bang things while doing VERY SIMPLE chores. I’ve had it.

    I know I can move out and not have to deal with this. But I feel bad that our parents have to tolerate him. We’ve been close but I guess the distance didn’t really show me the reality of how he actually was back at home. I want to make this work because first of all we can’t ever avoid each other and I will be here for the time being. What also really hurted me was that I was so genuine and what I got back was fake empty words. I would think that our relationship would be able to allow us to be honest with each other and all he gives me is bull****. How do you talk to someone who seems so closed off and can’t seem to get past their ego?

    #964048 Reply

    Why is he living with your parents? And no, they don’t HAVE to tolerate him. They actually ALLOW him to live there without contributing or doing chores. They let this happen, and now he feels entitled.

    I think you need to band together, give him a move out date and tell him exactly what you expect him to do, daily. He sounds like he’s in his early twenties? He should be bending over backwards to be a good housemate and doing these things happily. Your parents owe him nothing.

    It might be smart to look up tenant rights and laws in your jurisdiction. You should try to consult a lawyer if possible to make sure all your bases are covered.

    #964049 Reply

    The way the LW described Jesse by using terms like “our parents”, it sounds like they are siblings? Or maybe they’re parent-like figures to Jesse?

    Regardless of the relationship, this isn’t the LW’s problem to manage. This is how the parents are choosing to live in their house. If they let Jesse freeload, that’s on them.

    #964050 Reply

    Tough situation! I understand your refusal of this parasitic behavior at your parents’ expense. Your problem is that this is not your house, so you can’t act really yourself. So far, you just did what your parents warned you against: you spent a lot of energy on him for little results – or worse results.
    You definitely should follow Anonymousse’s advice and start an eviction program, taking legal advice and emit an eviction letter.
    I would focus on an eviction and not on chores or work, because that might give him tenants rights – as a substitute of a rent.
    Go explore that way. But I am afraid that your parents – mother? – might give up and don’t actually sign that letter.
    Argue that the longer he stays, the more difficult it will be for you and your siblings (if you have any) to get rid of him later, should anything happen to your parents. The more he stays, the more “rights” he gets to stay there for ever. He obviously consider himself at home. That is what parasits do: they not only thrive from other people and space, but they finally take over.
    You can also state that this is either you or him. You can’t accept him and his parasitic presence, he takes full and undue advantage of your parent’s kindness, he doesn’t behave properly but bangs things when asked to help with chores, acts passive-aggresively and is outright unbearable as a housemate. So you can’t deal with his presence and consider him a threat for your parents and yourself. You don’t want to be at the same table and in the same room as him. He isn’t welcome at the family meals. He can go outside and find his own food. Your parents don’t have to feed him and offer him a room for free.
    Perhaps get the help of a lawyer and of a family mediation. Confronted with a third reasonable person, your parents could get more lucid.
    If he is really violent when banging things, go to the police and file a complaint. Say that you are afraid for your parents safety, they don’t can’t get rid of a family member who won’t leave and who behaves erratically.
    Pressure the situation to make it very unconfortable for him and your parents. Eventually, they might take action and evict him. But again: a lot of energy for you…
    Anyway, take care: he might really become violent, once his little parasitic paradise is jeopardised.
    The other option is to try and if it doesn’t work, to go away and find your own place. Your call.

    #964052 Reply

    Ah, a brother? I thought a cousin or so.
    If this is a sibling: a family mediation.

    #964054 Reply

    Yeah, wow. I don’t know why I thought this was a cousin. I guess I need more sleep and more coffee.

    Why not just call him your brother, if he is? That makes this situation different than if he was a random “family member.”

    ktfran is right- it’s their house and they choose what goes on. He does this because they let him.

    #964055 Reply

    Maybe a cousin or other familial relation that they treat more like a son? Foster kid? Someone’s love child? I dunno?

    The varying language used throughout threw me.

    #964056 Reply

    He’s a lazy free-loader, but your problem with him is of your own creation. This is your parents’ house, your parents’ $. It is their responsibility to deal with him, however they see fit. This is not your concern and the passive aggressive/hostile response you are getting is the result of your inserting yourself in a situation which isn’t yours to resolve. If you were so upset, you should have spoken to your parents, not to J. You say he has a huge ego, but your actions also speak to a large ego. You are both adults being supported and housed by your parents. While anonymous is correct that your parents owe him nothing (although you say he is a family member. Sibling? Cousin? So perhaps they feel they do owe him something), they don’t need to justify their treatment of him to you. If your parents are upset by his behavior, they can chuck him out. You can’t. Nor can you force him to do chores. You aren’t his mother, or his host, or the person supporting his existence. The pandemic forced you back home and into the relationship he and your parents had established and were apparently all okay with. You are the dissatisfied one.

    #964057 Reply

    You need to butt out of how your parents run their home. You & Jessie are both there at their invitation. Your parents might think you’re being a bigger pain in the ass than Jessie. You’re the one complaining & starting fights. Your parents might be fine with how Jessie’s living there (they’re not doing anything to change it) So you refusing to let it go could be what’s causing disharmony in the house. Its hard to move back in with our parents as an adult. You might have a better relationship with the whole family if you move out sooner rather than later

    #964061 Reply

    Yeah. Sorry, LW. But YOU sound utterly exhausting. You seemingly want to tell EVERY ONE —- Jesse, your parents —- how to run their lives. Frankly, it was exhausting to read. It must be exhausting for them as well. Just stop picking fights and calling people out.

    #964063 Reply

    “What also really hurted (sic) me was that I was so genuine and what I got back was fake empty words.”

    I wasn’t there, but I find this unlikely. You title this “big fat ego.” You say you blew up. You called him out. When you’re flipping out on someone, justified or not, “genuine” is not the word that comes to mind. Few people respond well to that.

    Realistically, you can say your piece once or twice, but then you gotta take off your crusader cape and focus on your own life.

    #964064 Reply

    He lives there, they accept his terms, that’s their call, not yours, unless they are vulnerable people I’d say butt out.Not your circus not your proverbial. Everyone who lives with another adult has something to moan about it’s just how life is.

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