A colleague clearly doesn’t like me

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  • August 30, 2022 at 5:27 pm #1115671

    My fiance (31) and I (24) work in the same company. He has been working there for nearly two years and I started working there three months ago. We don’t see each other very much because we are working on different floors but sometimes he visits my office and chats with me and my colleagues. One of them is a 39 year old woman who disliked me from the beginning, as soon as I was introduced to her by him and another colleague. I tried my best to be friendly with her,I’m always kind but I just didn’t grow on her which I’m okay with because not everyone’s supposed to like you. However, what kind of bothers me is that she is very kind to my fiance and always asks me if he’s going to come and visit us, always complains about being single and asks him for advice, while she’s rude to me without any reason. She deleted me from social media recently and never misses the opportunity to remind me that I have to learn their language (I’m of a different nationality than they are). She almost never involves me in the conversations with my fiance and other people who speak that language and when someone tries to involve me and says that it’s impolite that I only watch them speak she says that it’s my fault that I haven’t learned yet, which is ridiculous since it’s hard to learn a language in a short matter of time. When I asked him he told me that she might have had a little crush on him before I came there but it just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s not that big of a problem but I just need advice on how to react to her rudeness.

    • This topic was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by sarah.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by sarah.
    • This topic was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by sarah.
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    WhyDoWeExist?
    August 30, 2022 at 8:46 pm #1115678

    I would ignore it. There isn’t much you can do. Turn the other cheek and try to be the bigger person. Your fiance is probably right about her having feelings.

    If it bothers you seeing how she interacts with your fiance, maybe you should start visiting him instead of him visiting you? I mean I don’t know what your work culture is like and maybe that isn’t possibly, but if it is that would be one way to get around it.

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    Anonymousse
    August 31, 2022 at 8:38 am #1115710

    I would just be kind and pleasant as possible to her. Kill her with kindness, literally. If you cannot do that, just be courteous and civil as you would any other coworker who doesn’t particularly like you- as you said not everyone likes each other. Don’t be cold or rude back, if anything, don’t respond.

    That said, maybe it’s time to cut the work visits short? I’m sure you have plenty of time to see him outside of work, since you’re engaged.

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    August 31, 2022 at 9:00 am #1115712

    Her behavior is bordering on bullying because she’s kind of using your nationality to exclude you. She should cut that shit out. It would be great if someone else told her she’s being unkind and to knock it off.

    You’re probably correct that she doesn’t like you and that she does like your boyfriend. But yeah, I would also recommend cutting out the conjugal visits and not playing into her mean girl bullshit.

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    August 31, 2022 at 11:05 am #1115722

    Is there a supervisor you can talk to? It’s fine to not like coworkers personally, but you still have to interact with them and she’s being a jerk. IDK your work culture or environment. I can be a lil petty, which means I have no issue treating people accordingly, so I’d be inclined to say something direct without being rude myself. “It takes time to learn a second language! I’d learn it faster if I’m included in the conversation.” But if that feels inappropriate, you can say something to a supervisor. Otherwise, keep it cordial and polite and that’s enough.

    I’m surprised your fiance doesn’t say anything TBH.

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    August 31, 2022 at 11:21 am #1115724

    Be aware that if you do take this to a supervisor, they may be obligated to report it to HR and someone is likely going to speak direct to this woman about her behavior toward you. Not every company has or follows a process like this for harassment/ bullying / hostile workplace, but that would be pretty standard. Not sure if you want that or not.

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    Anonymousse
    August 31, 2022 at 2:08 pm #1115728

    I’m so sorry I don’t know why I blew past the obvious racism/exclusion going on. I would keep my eye on that and document.

    Why hasn’t your fiancé said something if she’s being that rude to you in front of him, and you’re at a language disadvantage? I’m not saying it’s his duty as a man or something, but it is his duty as your FRIEND to say something, right? I would be side eyeing any partner who hears someone being that cruel to you and completely ignores it. That’s weird, in my opinion.

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    ron
    August 31, 2022 at 4:46 pm #1115736

    Office romances can cause problems. They especially can cause problems, when your bf drops by your office to chat during work time. Even lunch time will draw attention. Been there, done that. Happily, in my case, TPTB simply found it cute. Still, a bit of a shocker when my summer gf returned for work the next summer and her HR dude told her where my new office was. We had broken up in Feb, but remained friends. I was lucky — could have gotten a lot more grief out of that. And… we didn’t chat during work time, though we did eat lunch together and sit outside until time to return to work. This was at a time when companies were less fearful of harassment complaints than they are today.

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    September 7, 2022 at 11:26 am #1115844

    I don’t think so, this company doesn’t work that way, also she’s been working there for 17 years and I’m new. And yeah,he should’ve stood up for me and involve me in the conversation but he says I should let her be and not bother. One day I put my headphones when they were talking and he noticed that and started speaking in my language. It’s not only about the language, she gives bad vibes. I don’t react but she hasn’t changed her weird behavior and the crush thing is obviously true since she is all flirty and flattered when he’s around, the way she’s not with other male colleagues. Also friendly with anyone but me. Anyways, thank you for your replies.

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    Anonymousse
    September 7, 2022 at 1:34 pm #1115845

    Maybe you shouldn’t work with him? Is this affecting your work? How you are perceived at work?

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A colleague clearly doesn’t like me

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