June 22, 2018 at 1:22 pm #758448
Run away. Quickly. Then be thankful you dodged a bullet.June 22, 2018 at 1:30 pm #758450
@Northern Star- If you grew up in a household where the only examples you ever knew were inheriting wealth, marrying into a rich family, or working and working, shift after shift for whatever crumbs you could get and you were a beautiful young woman you wouldn’t think about dating up? When a well-to-do, secure, possibly handsome man maybe from a well-to-do family starts courting you online and you have a chance to leave Croatia or Romania to visit L.A. you wouldn’t dare entertain the thought? If only for the experience? Maybe you get there and you know it isn’t a good set-up. So you look to go home but end up rushing into a marriage with someone else who lives where you want to live? It may be her own fault. But not everyone has “earned” just being born here anymore than you or I have just earned it.June 22, 2018 at 1:42 pm #758451
Hah! That this shameless, gold-digging user knocks her husband for not working is pretty damn rich…June 22, 2018 at 1:53 pm #758453
Not your circus, not your monkeys. It doesn’t sound like the kid is in danger, which I think would be the only reason you’d be obligated to interfere.
I think she would probably bring a lot of drama to your life. And she’s not really your friend, she’s an acquaintance at best.June 22, 2018 at 1:57 pm #758454
Oh, I see. Everyone who isn’t born rich is a victim, because everyone is entitled to want a designer lifestyle without working for it.
Hey, I’m a victim too!June 22, 2018 at 2:03 pm #758456
“she went to Hawaii and got married to an American fellow suddenly and had a baby.”
I’m not saying she is a victim. She didn’t marry the L.A. man, she married someone else and they had a child together.
“Now that I came back she came, 2 month old in tow to LA and basically told me when we met for lunch that her life with the new man in Hawaii is terrible, he ignores her and the baby, tells her he has no interest in the family, wallows in depression and won’t work as he has money from his family.”
She isn’t the first woman who started a family with someone and it didn’t work out. The fact that she might be deported with a two month old probably does intersect with current politics. But everyone else is right, this involves an adult and there may only be so much the letter writer can do to help this adult.
And having designer clothes doesn’t mean much about a person’s character.June 22, 2018 at 2:14 pm #758457
Just an observation that this is the second letter this week about helping a person in need where the LW mentions that the person in need is pretty/beautiful, like that’s relevant. What’s up with that?June 22, 2018 at 2:47 pm #758461
@kate: I mentioned beautiful in this context because it may be relevant in case she is trying to attract men for the wrong reason.
Well a few things do give me pause. One, when I first met her it was in the context of drama with ANOTHER man she needed advice about. Two, when she got here with her current husband already married and pregnant the border authorities also said “another man?” Furthermore she comes from Prague where she had a nice apartment and a good job at an American comapany (she says) and she mentions running away from Pargue to her first US guy because “something bad happened”. Also she has no pictures of family in Slovakia and other stuff like most girls in E Europe, just of having fun in Dubai and Pargue and the US. She seems wide-eyed and very innocent and may be just dazzled about the “American Dream” that frankly, from being born here, I know is NOT what Hollywood portrays though most Europeans think we live in the movies. On the other hand in native country Romania I know TONS of attractive and smart young women just like her who work like crazy to become engineers and doctors and work at international companies and are VERY reticent about marrying an American or Western man they really don’t know. This girl on the other hand came here 2 times (not sure how she got the tourist Visa the first time) with barely any luggage for 2 men. She does say “what was I thinking?” But I am STILL on the fence and feel guilty about not inviting her esp when I see the 8 week old crying.June 22, 2018 at 3:09 pm #758464
@Carol- Please forgive for being insulting with ill-informed stereotypes. I love someone who other people have sometimes viewed as a “gold-digger” and I’ve been reacting to this letter from my personal frame of reference. My acquaintance has worked very hard and many thankless jobs, immigrated legally (though of course the sponsorship process took several years but was shortened when she met her husband.) Of course this was all done because she could immigrate, legally. But it would be dishonest to pretend her husband’s attraction didn’t have anything to do with how she looked, or that her life isn’t much easier than it would have been if he hadn’t been physically attracted to her. She did educate herself, but she was never going to be a lawyer or a doctor. It is easy to judge her labels. She voted in a way that has been hard for me to reconcile and I truly think a lot of it has to do with her difficult past experiences. But we all have those.
This isn’t what you were writing about. It doesn’t sound as though you are in a position to relate to what your friend is hoping to get out of life. It doesn’t sound as though you respect what you perceive to be her values or choices.
Again, I’m sorry about conjecturing about women and lives in eastern Europe. Ignorance is always a gross look.June 22, 2018 at 3:46 pm #758466
You gave the definition of ‘gold digger’ a few posts back, and that seems to fit Carol’s acquaintance to a tee. I did not say her friend was a bad person, because she clearly isn’t conning these men. They understand the bargain perfectly. In return for wealth, or perhaps for being perceived because of family contributions to have more wealth than they actually do, they get a younger, more beautiful woman than they otherwise could. They go into such marriages/relationships with open eyes and I have no sympathy for them. They are more in the user/loser camp then the women who marry them for their money. What I did say is that if you are going to marry/have a relationship with men because they are wealthy, that there generally is a price to be paid. That price is often a love-less relationship with an older man and being controlled rather than treated as a respected equal by that man. Yes, this woman rejected the first man. He was too controlling and the price was too high. The second time, she decided the price was worth it. Doesn’t sound like she had more than the most superficial, and incorrect in case of guy she married, knowledge of either guy. It was the classic $/lifestyle for youth/beauty/sex deal as when American men who think modern American women are too liberated/independent/uppity/picky choose to find a foreign, young, malleable foreign mail-order bride.
If these arrangements are between consenting adults, fine but sad for them. However, this is the sort of thing which led to radical feminists in my younger days declaring that there was no difference between marriage and prostitution. Carol’s friend views marriage as a financial proposition.June 22, 2018 at 5:04 pm #758471
@ keyblade: Yeah a lot of Eastern Europeans vote in a way that is hard for me to reconcile about issues like immigration, gay rights, minority rights, etc. which I support and I can’t quite understand why they would want less freedoms when they came from countries that limited freedom. At the same time I respect other’s right to disagree with me since that is what America is about: freedom of opinion. On the other hand I truly think that there is an element of gold-digging esp as this girl has had professional sexy but not slutty pics on her Facebook. Also her husband says she is crazy and there is no problem and on social media he seems very affectionate and happy with the baby. However this man is letting his wife travel in a foreign (to her) country with a new-born in a big unsafe city like LA and not checking in with her at all or calling. I don’t even know who to believe. I mean she did just dump her whole life and come with a carry on with a stranger. But my gut tells me there are 2 sides to the story or she REALLY came across a nut-job and is unstable or very foolish herself.June 22, 2018 at 5:34 pm #758473
Why are you even engaging with this? You know you don’t have to befriend strangers on planes, right? That never ends well. You barely know this girl so stop being involved in her drama. This is the very definition of not your problem.