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Dear Wendy

A friend of mine likes me and acts suuper needy. Am I a toxic friend??

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice A friend of mine likes me and acts suuper needy. Am I a toxic friend??

  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarCarrotstick21.
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  • #962966 Reply
    avatarCrystal
    Guest

    Alright, so I have this guy friend who is romantically interested in me. I’ll be calling him Clear. He’s had a crush on me for years. He’s had crushes on other girls and then just dropped them when they get bfs, and he goes back to being intersted in me.

    I’ve never been intersted in him, and I never will be. He’ll always be just a friend, honestly. Anyways, since quarantine started, he’s been bugging me all the time to chat/call with him.

    I’m an introvert, so I don’t really like to talk much, especially when I’m tired. And trust me, I’ve been tired alot since online school started. Anyways, Clear still begs me to talk to him, despite me already telling him about this over and over.

    I tell him that when I’m tired, I’d rather be alone, and Clear just responds with: “But what if I’M lonely??”

    It annoys he so much because he thinks that I’m obligated to talk to him or something. I can’t stop all contact with him since we are friends and we’re part of the same friend group.

    I’ve had fights with Clear like this before, and its always caused by him being jealous of my other friends (cuz he thinks i hang out with then more than him) or he’s jealous of me(he doesnt like that im good at math, which he says is “his thing”)

    We got into a fight again recently, because he thought I was a bad friend for not talking to him enough. I had to apologize, and I ended up looking like a goddamn idiot.

    Clear is such a stereotypical nice guy, one time I asked him about his old crush, and he tells me: “OH!! I didnt actually like her, i was just doing it to protect her from bad guys!”………like, what???

    Anyways, I dont know if I’m actually being selfish, I dont know what to do, and Im frankly very tired of Clear’s shit. Please help!!

    #962969 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    He’s a creep. He’s ignoring your boundaries and stepping all over you because that’s what “nice guys” do. He’s manipulating you into feeling bad for him. He feels entitled to your time and caregiving. He’s also trying to control you with his jealous bullshit. I would just start ignoring him a lot of the time and only talk to him if and when YOU want to. He’s definitely got toxic masculinity going on and you don’t need that in your life.

    #962970 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He’s an entitled whiny man child. You don’t actually have to be nice to him, or pretend to be his friend or respond to him at all. Your friend group will understand! And if they don’t- and pressure you to make nice and deal with his bullshit, maybe your friend group isn’t that great, either.

    #962971 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Total nice guy nonsense. I would love to say to try to help him understand but he won’t because he’s too immature. It’s all about his needs and fulfilling his fantasy that if you just spend more time with him, you’ll fall in love with him. All you can do is just agree with him but let him know that his opinion of you isn’t really that important. “Yup – I’m a bad friend because I won’t hang out with people when I’m not in the mood for it. It’s just something I’m going to have to live with. Smell ya later!” –

    #963007 Reply
    avatarBondgirl
    Guest

    Ughhhhhh, the dreaded “stereotypical nice guy” is the worst….and I was gonna describe him as such before even getting to that part in your post! Why do so many of these people exist?! (The “nice guys” of course, not you LW.)

    Anyway, you are NOT crazy; this guy is needy, immature, entitled, oh and SELFISH! You have been much, MUCH kinder to him than the situation deserves. Friends should not be this draining on you, and you are certainly entitled to end friendships that don’t serve you in any healthy capacity. If he whines again about being lonely, needing someone to talk to, etc. etc., tell him that’s what therapists are for and then cut contact. Block him, do what you gotta do. It’s really not worth trying to get him to see the light, because he won’t.

    #963010 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    Agree with what everyone is saying about this guy having Nice Guy Syndrome, where he feels entitled to your time, attention, and affection for being nice when he’s really being toxic and creepy. But I wanted to add that if you want to stop talking to him altogether, that’s your right. You can be polite/pleasant to him in group situations and not engage with him one-on-one anymore. If your friend group dynamics change, so be it — it will not be your fault because he’s the one guilt tripping you to talk to him and not respecting your boundaries. It can feel weird to enforce your boundaries when you’re not used to doing it, but it’s a great skill to develop while you’re still young. He won’t be the last “nice guy” you meet.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarCopa.
    #963029 Reply
    avatarCarrotstick21
    Guest

    I will add to the good advice above – speaking from unfortunately extensive experience, these guys are like ooze who will find whatever chink of availability or kindness you DO offer up, and always demand more. The most efficient and least harmful option for YOU is to shut it down, which means sacrificing being “nice” for being firm. No, you do not have time to chat with him. He’s lonely – how unfortunate, you hope he finds a way to deal with that. It is not your problem. His emotions are his own to manage. Your time investment is done. If he escalates even further, and some guys do when you change a behavior that was working for them but not you, then it’s time to block and not look back. The important thing with skeezy men is to ensure that their behavior does not work. That is, if it takes 30 texts to get you to pay him attention you didn’t want to pay, he’ll text 35 now every time because he’s learned that that works. No attention when he’s beign manipulative/boundary crossing. Period.

    This will also pay off for you down the road if dealing with toddlers and tantrums, by the by. People shift course when what they are doing stops working for them.

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