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A friend problem

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by CurlyQue CurlyQue 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #761414 Reply
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    AnnieMcP

    Hi. I’ve known Steve for about two years. We have since become quite good friends. Last year I admitted to Steve I had feelings for him, but he told me he is not interested in anything romantic with anyone. This was confirmed by mutual friends who claim Steve had never had a romantic interest that they know of. I got over it because I wanted Steve in my life. I have dated since and Steve has continued to be my friend.

    For the last couple of months he has changed a bit. No, I was not secretly hoping he would, he just started acting differently. He gave me a flower, told me he had changed… but nothing happened. Than a few weeks back he started asking me to hang out / every single day. We went for dinners, coffees, walks, when it would be time to say goodbye he would ask to walk me home / nothing happened. He invited me to his place for dinner / then as we were sitting on the couch he put a whole fortress of pillows between us.

    The other day I invited him to watch a baseball match with me (a pretty big deal where I am from). He hates baseball but said he would come. (I watched it at a local pub) In the middle of my match my cousin comes. Her mom is leaving town tomorrow and she wanted to see me before she leaves. So after the match I say bye to Steve and leave with my cousin. But I felt he got really offended. And you know what? For the last couple of days he hasn’t been texting me or replying to me. The question is, why would he get THAT upset? We never made any plans for after the match, I was nice, texted him and explained the situation and even asked him to hang out later. He never replied.

    Thank you in advance.

    A.

    #761424 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    What do you want out of this relationship? A friendship? More?

    Figure out what you want and then call him out. If you want to be friends -then tell him he’s being a shitty friend for ignoring your texts. If you want to be more than friends then call him out fucking around with your emotions (Flowers and dates but no contact?!). I hope he’s typically a better friend that what you’ve outlined here because all I can see is a guy that likes to fuck with your mind.

    He likes knowing that you’re there. When you leave to be with someone else – like a family member – he takes it as a rejection and that is totally not cool.

    He’s either dealing with some kind of sexual issue (maybe damage, maybe guilt, maybe sexual confusion) or he’s a shitty person. You pick which sounds right.

    #761425 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh, who knows. Maybe he’s in love with you and thinks you’re dating now but he’s a terrible communicator.

    Maybe he’s just lonely and knows you like him and is taking advantage of your time and attention while sending you little signals that maybe something has changed or maybe not.

    But look, you were clear with him. He was then clear with you. If he now has a romantic interest in you and wants to date, it’s his responsibility to tell you that. This taking up of all your time and weird mixed signals is b.s. He’s wasting your time and keeping you from meeting other guys. Stop texting him, and just figure he’s being an ass for some reason and the ball is in his court. Then live your life. A guy like this is usually just going to waste your time.

    #761434 Reply
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    JD

    Every day we have someone asking this. But he acted this way so should I think he likes me. Just take people at their word. He knows how you feel so if he changes his mind he will tell you or make a move.

    About leaving with you cousin. I dunno tinme it seems kinda of rude. Not that you made plans after but if I was out with someone and then their friend shows up and they leave with them I’d find it weird and kind of rude. Not end of the friendship rude but unless you mentioned it ahead of time it would strike me as a bit odd. “Ok I’m done watching this bye”. Most people would stay, maybe have another drink and chat and it would end naturally.

    #761439 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    It was kind of a weird/awkward way to end a hang out but you explained it so if he’s still pouting that’s his problem. I don’t think you should invest much in this guy. If you enjoy spending time with him do so but don’t get too attached. It sounds to me like he’s trying to figure out his sexuality (asexuality maybe?) and I doubt you want to be the guinea pig.

    #761460 Reply
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    AnnieMcP

    Thank you to everyone for your replies.

    I would like to clarify that:

    I HAD feelings for him a year ago. So I don’t think he would just naturally assume I still do. I have dated other guys in the meantime and he knows this. If he hadn’t started changing his behaviour I never would have even gone to : oh maybe he likes me now.

    To those who think I was rude, I feel I was. That is why the second I left, I texted him to explain it. I also said bye to my aunt and immediately invited him to hang out. I had known I would go to see her after the match because I blew her off to see it with him (because I promised I would), I just wasn’t expecting my cousin to come pick me up. I think it would have been different if I had been alone. But I wasn’t. I said bye to him in a nice way and so did my cousin. I wasn’t dismissive or anything…. but I felt he was offended.

    Which is why I am wondering if he does have feelings for me, because I feel it’s such a minor thing not to speak to someone over for a few days – unless you were romantically interested in that person and now you think: oh, she’s not into me cause she left with her cousin. Which then is a situation to be resolved. I am just unpleasantly surprised he is acting this way because normally he is a really cool friend and someone I would hate to lose. And I am not a very proud person, but I feel that by contacting him again, I would be humouring his ego and immaturity and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself that. Thank you.

    #761466 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, but come on, you were clear and direct when you did have feelings for him. He owes you the same if he in fact has feelings for you. Hinting around and monopolizing your time while sending mixed AF signals (excuse me, a pillow barrier on the couch?) is not cool. You should not have to go to this guy and ask him again if he has feelings for you and pry the info out of him. He needs to step up.

    You apologized for whatever perceived rudeness. Anything further would just be enabling bad behavior on his part.

    At some point you COULD say to him, look, if we’re friends then let’s act like fiends. No flowers, no hinting about feelings. If we have feelings and want to date, then let’s date, but let’s be clear about what’s going on.

    #761469 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    My assumption is that you don’t have ESP. You can’t read minds. So stop assuming anything. He may be sending out vibes, signals, he may be secretly writing Mr. McP in bubbly cursive in his journal… it doesn’t matter if he can’t (or won’t) communicate with you.

    You’ve done everything you can to apologize that is appropriate here. What Should you buy him a dozen roses and show up on his doorstep singing to Backstreet Boys? No. Send another text? Eh, up to you but your comment made it sound like there’s a bit of a power play here and you have my permission to simply not feed the drama. If this is typical for him -sulking and whatever… screw that shit. Life is too short for that. If there’s a chance he was kidnapped and his phone was destroyed or died, not texting can be forgiven. I say when he comes back CALL HIM OUT. “What the hell dude? Are you a 15 year old girl and am I your mom who won’t let you go to a rock concert 3 hours away?” And then be really careful because he doesn’t sound like a good friend.

    #761481 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    What do you mean, he told you he changed? Did he explicitly say he was into you? I can see being annoyed at the baseball game incident. Annoyed, yes. Offended? That’s a bit much. Although, considering you had to explain to him what happened in text, it wasn’t explained to him in person and didn’t go as smoothly as you thought?

    I obviously have no idea how many times you’ve texted him or what you’ve written, but maybe he’s just taking a break and thinking about what he wants/the signals he’s giving you, etc?

    #761570 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    If someone is really truly interested, then they make it known. The fact that he’s being really lukewarm makes me think that if he is interested, it’s more of a “I sure would like to have someone to kiss/date, and this person was into me, so why not?” It sort of seems like he’s waiting around to see if you do something, and if so, great. If not, great. I don’t recommend pursuing something with someone who acts lukewarm like that. I know plenty of guys who weren’t interested in someone to start, but then got lonely and sort of gave in. It doesn’t make them like you any more than you did before.

    If you want, ask him why he’s acting like this. If you don’t want to ask, then I’d say to make set up some boundaries and not spend so much time with him.

    #761597 Reply
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    AnnieMcP

    Yeah I am done. He first blocked me on his WhatsApp, then I called him on his old phone which he said wasn’t working, he then told me to send him my number, he then contacted me from his old WhatsApp again. I asked him if we were ok and if he was upset about the match, he said he wasn’t and why should he be. He said he wasn’t getting upset over things anymore. He said he didn’t feel like responding (a bunch of BS) and he had friends over so he didn’t do it. One minute he is the most considerate human on the planet, the next he is a complete jerk. I am out.And here I was worried about his feelings….

    #761625 Reply
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    Ange

    I think you have something of a Nice Guy on your hands. Next he’ll be telling everyone about how he was so nice to you and you just neglected him to go chase Chads or something. Definitely let this one go, nobody has time for that nonsense.

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