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Dear Wendy

“A ghost From the Past Has Reappeared”

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  • #862041 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “Curious to know your opinion on this:

    I met a guy at the end of June, and we casually dated for about a month. He was engaged a month prior to meeting me, so obviously this was not ideal timing.

    As you can imagine, he starting getting more and more distant and eventually just disappeared. Hard pill to swallow, but I half expected it. It was really hard for me to get over because we got along SO well, better than anyone I had ever met (he even admitted it was strange how comfortable he felt around me instantly). But, I knew the timing wasn’t right so I just tried to let it go.

    Fast forward to TODAY. Now 3.5 months later, he texted me out of the blue apologizing for the way he handled everything (I.e. full blown ghosting), and said he “wasn’t ready for anything” and that he wasn’t over his ex and still isn’t. He said he never meant to hurt my feelings, etc.

    My question for you is….what does this even mean?! He blatantly said he isn’t over his ex….so why is he reaching out to me at all? He isn’t asking to catch up whatsoever…is he just trying to clear his conscience? And why does he care what I think of him if he “isn’t over his ex”?

    Would like to know your thoughts…..”

    #862043 Reply

    It’s hard to answer without knowing you/him/what your relationship was like. But, there’s a couple likely scenarios.

    1 – he actually feels guilty about ghosting you, and just wants to apologize.

    2 – he wants to test the waters for (re)establishing a FWB / booty call relationship, and is messaging you to see if you respond and are still available.

    Either way, his saying he isn’t “ready for anything” and isn’t over his ex mean he isn’t looking for a relationship. So, if that’s what you want, it really doesn’t matter what he’s after out of this.

    #862047 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    Yeah, he might genuinely feel bad about how he treated you and is simply trying to apologize and he might also be trying to keep the lines of communication open for a booty call relationship or something more serious in the future when he’s ready for a relationship. Either way, he’s made clear he isn’t ready for a relationship *now* and that’s kind of all that you need to know. You don’t owe him a response at all, but if you wanted to say something, I’d probably go with, “It was disappointing how you ghosted me, and I appreciate your apology.”

    #862053 Reply

    I think Wendy and Prognostigator are both right. Another possibility is he’s still involved with the ex.

    Basically it means nothing, just someone probably lonely and bored over the holiday and reaching out. I’m sure he liked you, but this was and is going nowhere.

    #862055 Reply

    Kate nailed it: he’s lonely and bored. This story is SO familiar to me. Pretty much every guy I had a casual month-long thing with came back out of the woodwork at some point. Sometimes YEARS later! It’s just a thing a lot of men do. Ignore it and keep looking.

    #862059 Reply

    It doesn’t have to mean something. I do think you should take him seriously when he says he wasn’t and isn’t over his ex. I probably wouldn’t respond. He’s reaching out to tell you he isn’t emotionally available, which might be a set up for a casual thing where you aren’t expected to want more. When you met, the fact that he was so recently engaged should have been a red flag. Unfortunately, no matter the intentions on his end then, you probably were a brief rebound.

    #862083 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.

    I would take it at face value: He is genuinely sorry for the way he treated you and wants to apologize. I would accept his apology, wish him well and move on. If there’s any more conversation after that, you’ll have a better idea of where he’s coming from and can decide if you want to go there, too. Keep your expectations low.

    #862084 Reply

    I really wouldn’t even respond. Someone ghost you once, they will fuck with you again. Don’t accept his apology, give him any attention, or an “in” to come back and mess with you. He’s already said he’s not ready for anything anyway. I’m guessing you have already responded, but I hope it wasn’t anything more than “ok, wish you well.”

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