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Dear Wendy

A kind of relationship

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  • #1029193 Reply
    avatarDildo
    Guest

    Ive been seeing this guy for 4 months now. Initially, the terms were thar we “go with the flow”. I didnt want anything serious because in April i am leaving to another province. I told him this and of the other complications of why i can not be in a fully committed long term relationship. Such as the following: i dont want to do LDR, my family is relatively strict so they cant know about this relationship, and i move every 3 times a year. He got a casualjob in another city, which i figured would lead us to ending things. But since then, our attachments have grown stronger and my life feels more complicated.

    He constantly reassures me that i am a blessing in his life, but i am not able to reciprocate the same feelings because i seem to dwell on my inevitable departure and how someone else could be better for him with more commonalities. I know theres no relationship thats perfect, but i have so many doubts about our personality and hobbie compatibility (e.g. i couldnt honestly say whether we actually like one anothers personality or whether we are becoming dependent on affection) and can think of so many external factors that will end things.

    Inevitably, i will leave, but at this point i dont know whether it is more cruel to cut it off now, or further down the line in April where we would become more attached.

    How does one warn another of inevitable heartbreak?

    #1029198 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    So go with the flow. Don’t torment yourself, don’t set yourself in a dilemma. You will see in due time how it evolves. You were clear with him about your plans, you have some doubts about your compatibility. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is now and observe yourself, your own feelings, the quality of the relationship. If it goes toward deeper attachment, you might revisit your own decisions. If not, you will have enjoyed a nice short relationship. He can manage his own feelings, as long as you are clear about your projects.
    Perhaps you become yourself a bit fed up with your own schedule: it is nice to change life every 4 months but you won’t be able to construct anything significant in your personal life on such a basis. It all depends on your age and your deep wishes regarding your career and your life but at some point, you will have to make choices.

    #1029199 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    LDR relationships can work for a while, by the way.

    #1029204 Reply
    avatarDildo
    Guest

    Hi brise, thank you for your input. Its reassuring to hear another perspective.

    #1029223 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Interesting username.

    He knows you’ll be leaving, so I don’t see why you think you need to warn him of inevitable heartbreak. He is aware this has an expiration date.

    And I wouldn’t necessarily assume either of you will be heartbroken. You could be, but you also might not. Just enjoy the time you spend together. If you can’t do casual relationships, then don’t.

    It sounds like you’re over analyzing him and trying to find differences that mean you won’t make it, or that he’s wrong for you. That’s the wrong way to go about casually dating. Does he treat you well? Do you enjoy the time you spend together? Not every relationship is supposed to lead to marriage and forever.

    #1029224 Reply
    avatarDildo
    Guest

    Hi anonymousse, you have very valid points and yes i also agree it isnt healthy to be pessimistic in a casual relationship. And to answer bothcyour questions, its yes to both.

    Because i am inexperienced on what a casual relationship looks like, im wondering whether you could give me persepective on meeting the parents? Is that something i should teeter away from in a casual relationship? I know i may be over thinking things and inducing anxiety, but im from an asian background where meeting or even having a phone conversation is very serious relationship-wise. However, he is very open to his family about me, he told his grandmother about me two days after our first date and while i was at his place he called his mom and i spoke to her. Again he is from a white background so this is unknown territory to me and it does make me worry that we are on different pages.

    Also, i am aware that these are things that i need to communicate with him to truely understand his intentions. However, it is nice to hear advice from others and gain perspective. Thanks!!

    #1029227 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I’m confused.

    * You are already in a LDR if he moved to another city for his “casual” job. (?? A casual job that requires a move? Okay…)
    * You’re the one insisting on a casual relationship, though you’ve never had one before.
    * You are old enough to move whenever and wherever you like, apparently, yet you are not old enough to be honest with your parents about your choices.

    You sound like you’re trying to protect yourself, not him. Sometimes people from Asian cultures write to this forum wanting to know — essentially — how to please their strict parents while also living a modern, Western lifestyle. You’re not asking that exactly, but keeping a relationship secret is not healthy, and it’s a very big ask of someone you’re dating. Not many healthy (Western-oriented) people would agree to that. The indoctrination that Asian posters talk about seems really severe, and I don’t really know what to say about that, except that I wouldn’t assent to being anyone’s secret.

    #1029228 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    You can keep using the word “casual” all you want to, but it’s not some kind of shield against getting hurt.

    Meeting parents is not typically something done in a casual relationship.

    #1029234 Reply
    avatarDildo
    Guest

    Hi FYI,

    Thanks for your perspective. Its a different outside persecptive that aids in how his family members might see it.

    #1029235 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Dildo/Peepee,
    Why do you care what his family thinks? This doesn’t seem very casual on your end.

    #1029236 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Are you 12 years old, calling yourself dildo and peepee?

    Just… don’t care what his family thinks. It doesn’t matter, so don’t worry about it. Literally the only thing you should be putting thought into is whether you’re having a good time when you’re with him / talking to him. That’s it. Let everything else go. Don’t try to game it out. You’re enjoying yourself or you’re not.

    You don’t need to reply to this.

    #1029238 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    I don’t know that its unhealthy to not tell your parents about all your casual relationships… I sure haven’t.

    I think you are over analyzing things, LW. Just enjoy this relationship and see if it goes anywhere.

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