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A little drama

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  • #850508 Reply

    Hi, I’ve written this before but it was all over the place. Please take in consideration that my mother tongue. I’ve never been a drama girl, if all, my life is pretty dull. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years now and for the 2 years I feel that we have had up and downs but something really though happened last year that still today makes me doubt about continuing. We spoke and decided to begin an open relationship where I met a guy and made a cool connection. We had intimacy , he shared with me his music project (songs and lyrics) and everything was ok for a month. Until two weeks ago he told me he wanted to stop the physical interaction since he felt was invested a lot of his energy in me, that he sort of loved me (a little) and we we’re a dead end. That he wanted us to be friends and hang out with others. He wanted some time to change his feelings towards me. I was a little bit surprised because just on Sunday we saw each other but I understood that the nature of our relationship was confusing and he felt like the second one or something like that.

    We agreed in seeing each other to talk during the week and I texted him if it was ok to me to write him since he wanted time or if after we talked he wanted that time. He told me that we should talk and then see.

    Of course he was very distant and cold in his responses and we didn’t see each other. He started to delay the meeting, he told me he needed a little bit of air and that we should talk this upcoming week. I was a little bit done with him and offer him to ghost each other or simply don’t talk and forget what happened.

    During all this I talked with my partner and right now we are on a break due to some things he did in the past that still affect me.

    The guy I met text me yesterday that he didn’t want to be rude or anything like that but that he really didn’t want us to talk until we see each other in person. I apologize for not respecting in the past this and promised him cero texts. I just found that yesterday he removed the access I had to his music (Google drive) which I knew was going to happen because it was weird having such a personal material in my hands and not talking to each other. It’s important to tell you that he’s not my rebound or a safe branch I can have in case my relationship is over. I’m not like that and I actually recognize I need my time and alone time to think and heal.
    Yesterday I saw him because we went to the same bar but didn’t say hello or anything. Was a bit awkward I tried to not make eye contact with him while being there.

    It’s just a shame doing a connection with someone and not knowing if that door is going to be definitely closed (as friends ot acquaintances)or not. Thoughts?

    #850510 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen

    I have no experience with open relationships or similar dynamics – but I’m sorry you are struggling.

    Speaking from a place of inexperience, all I could advise is you try to figure out what you want from a relationship, as it sounds to me that you are quite confused. You are hurt by something your partner did a long time ago and are struggling to move on from it. Is an open relationship really the right way for you to deal with that pain? Could you not try a form of couples therapy with your partner and see if you can work through it together?

    Again, I am completely inexperienced in this area, but I cannot see how an open relationship is a solution to any problem mentioned here with either partner.

    I’m sorry I can’t be of more help and I hope you figure things out x

    #850511 Reply

    In my opinion, it’s best for you to be single for awhile. If you have doubts about continuing in your long term relationship, you shouldn’t stay with him. Something happened in the past and you’ve had serious issues with him for two years or more.

    The new guy can see you have unresolved issues with your ex/guy on a break with you and it makes sense he’d want to take some steps back.

    Being alone is good. You can work on your own happiness and figure out what you want. You don’t need a relationship or two to make you whole.

    #850512 Reply

    Yeah, I feel like the first relationship is just bad/over and needs to officially end.

    My take on the second guy is he started out fast and then realized you’re not right for him and is trying to break up without having to actually say it.

    I agree about being single. The solution to a relationship that isn’t working is not to open it up, it’s to just move on and be single.

    #850513 Reply

    The letter is a little difficult for me to interpret, but I think a possible interpretation is that 2nd guy does think she is right for him, but is put off because she is still in open relationship with guy #1 as primary, so he can only ever hope to be side guy and that is frustrating to him

    #850515 Reply

    Despite your headline, there actually isn’t any drama happening here.

    The guy said he wanted space, you’re giving it to him, end of story.

    Maybe you have feelings about that, but those are yours to deal with. Disappointment happens in life. You don’t get to avoid it by overstepping a boundary someone else has set.

    #850516 Reply

    Throughout life, there are plenty of people you’ll have a connection with and it won’t work out, for some reason. That’s just how it goes. In time, you won’t care so much and you’ll move on. It’s disappointing, but now it’s just time to give him the space and not to contact him again.

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