From a LW:
“I saw your reply to a similar issue raised by someone before.
I’m a 45 year old man dating a 69 year old man for just over a year. We had some arguments in this period of time. Although we like each other.
My boyfriend is amateur photographer and he says he had been approached by a guy on dating app (he only chats on there for friendship) to take his nude photos. My boyfriend brought this up in conversation and says he told the guy that he would ask me. I haven’t really given him my answer yet and he wasn’t on and on about it, so we kind of left it that way.
I did say one thing that someone you only chatted a few times online and haven’t met him, it’s a bit forward of them to ask you such a thing, and left it at that.
Although I appreciate his honesty to bring it up with me to ask, I still feel strongly about why he would even consider taking nude photos of some stranger man. Besides, the fact that he was asking my permission means that he has considered doing the photo shot.
How should I bring it up with him and how to convey what our boundaries should be, without causing too much of a stir in our relationship? “AnonymousseJanuary 31, 2023 at 9:38 am #1118502
Which app is he on to meet friends? That’s my big ???
He’s not on a dating or hookup app to meet friends.
I think the nudes photos is a ruse, I mean, sure it may start out as just a “photo session.” But I doubt that’s where it will stay, but I am a skeptic. Especially since they met on a dating app.
Honestly, what man – especially a gay man – goes on a dating app for the sole purpose of making friends with zero intention of anything else? I don’t buy it.
It sounds to me like this is your boyfriend’s weird way of bringing up boundaries in your relationship and trying to get a sense of what yours are. So, in a sense, that part of the task has already been done for you. Your boyfriend already brought up the topic. Now it’s up to you to be honest about your boundaries, which could go something like this: “Hey, remember when you asked me about taking nude photos of the man you men on the dating app? I thought about it and I’m actually not ok with a romantic partner taking nude photos of another man – a man he’s never even met in person. Furthermore, I’m uncomfortable with you being on a dating site when we are in an exclusive relationship, even if it’s “just to make friends.” There are other ways to make friends that don’t so easily suggest you might be open to more than friendship.” If your boyfriend doesn’t respect these clear boundaries, he probably isn’t the right match for you and it’s time to move on.
With the exception of something like Bumble BFF, which is intended to foster friendships, nobody is on dating apps to make friends. Or book photographers for that matter. I have one ex-boyfriend who was online dating while we were together. I have one friend who experienced the same thing and quite a few friends who have ended up unknowingly dating men who were married or in relationships. (One friend dated a guy for FOUR months who turned out to be married. I and a bunch of her friends even met him!) It’s unfortunately not uncommon for shady people to use dating platforms to step outside of their relationships and there’s a stat out there that something like 30-something percent of active online dating users are not single.
So, anyway, I’d not be okay with this. I’d wager most people wouldn’t be. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s valid. I’d be stating my boundaries without worrying about causing a stir.
- This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Copa.
Nothing wrong with a photographer taking nude photos of someone who approached him on a photography site, which would be an appropriate place for this to happen. But that’s not what this is, is it? Who goes on a dating site to look for friends? Nobody. Naked friends? Hell no. Tell him to be honest with you about what he is seeking out here.You are absolutely within your rights to refuse this. It sounds as if it is really hurtful. If he wants to open up your relationship there are most honest and less manipulative ways to initiate discussing that.It seems disrespectful and weaselly.
I’ve noticed an uptick in letters on this site where the LW discovers their SO on a dating app. The common excuses on this site always seem to be:
– I was only looking for friends
– It’s like using social media
– I was bored, I’m not *actually* looking
No, no, and no. It was super upsetting when it happened to me, so these letters kinda get me worked up. Literally nobody takes the time to create an online dating profile and engage with the apps, holding themselves out as single to singles, unless they’re open to other possibilities. It’s also shitty to the singles who don’t almost surely don’t know that the person they’re chatting with is misrepresenting themselves.
Is the dating pool at 45 really that slim, LW? Cause I feel like you can do better than a shady septuagenarian.AnonymousseFebruary 3, 2023 at 5:34 pm #1118573
Yeah, me too. I was wondering if there was a power imbalance that made him want to stay despite this.
The chutzpah of a septuagenarian nude photographer! I also think it’s crappy to go on dating sites for “friendship” (which I never believe is true) when people,are on there to actually find dates, not an elderly nude photographer.
As someone who did use dating apps and even Bumble BFF, it’s hard to imagine how a conversation would’ve led to, “Hey, Amateur Photograph Internet Stranger, would you take tasteful nudes of me?” without it being a ruse. There’s a level of risk involved in meeting people online and it seems someone who wants those photos would want to find a photographer in a conventional way for safety reasons.
Not to mention, if he’s just chatting for friendship and is up front about this, you’d think most users of an *online dating* platform wouldn’t be interesting in chatting with him at all since they’re not looking for friends.