A manly mans first time asking for directions.

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  • Miki
    April 2, 2023 at 8:36 pm #1119460

    Born by a junkie and left at birth i grew up fast, strong and hard.
    Love for me was just a way to get close enought to stab you in the back.
    I was a messenger pigeon carrying the most vile shit by mouth between my parents who hated each other, and couldnt look at me without seeing the other.
    At 14 i disappeared into the forests of scandinavia. Took odd ranch jobs here and there. And 3 years later the government gave up and said, aight you can be an adult, and gave me an apartment.
    I then driftet from job to job, working my body hard. And making an adult life for myself.
    Now to the problem: Get a job, i actually make those danish cookie jars that always has sowing kits in it.. Work super hard. Supervisor who is a female of my age sees it and like it. She makes sure we have breaks at the same time. fast forward a year and we live together in an old farm house i renovated.. went from 300k danish crowns worth to 4,2.. new heating system, windows, brickwork..
    She gets pregnant but refuses to give up cigarettes and after work beer.. 5th month of pregnancy and she miscarries.. She has a “miscarrige psychosis” and i do everything i can for her.. Like 40 red roses and and stuffed bunny plushie waiting when she gets home from work but nothing work..
    So i move out, find a camper wagon and a trailer park..
    I still come by and help her with the pc (i turned her into a gamer so i felt responsable)
    sometimes we do the intimete stuff.
    But some time passes and we dont talk.. I really dont notice as i am also sinking into a deep mental pit myself.. today she uploaded a picture.. a happy mother with her newborn baby..
    I dont know what to do.. im shaking, walking around my apartments in circles.. ive had one night stands with plenty and lots of teenage girlfriends, but she was my first and only real adult relaitionship.. And i want to be a father so bad, but when i look in the mirror i see that the once super charming and handsome man has become a shadow of his former self.. bright side thou, i can rent out the bags under my eyes at a Bed and breakfeast..
    What do i do.. im 32.. do i give up and embrace being the wierd uncle? how do i let go off this pain ? How can i find healthy love when ive never experienced any kind and not just run to the first and the best.. please, my father ran away as soon as possible and my mother lived in the drug haze..
    Someone RP a parent and give me advice.. i am broken, and the pieces seem to scattered to find

    April 3, 2023 at 7:39 am #1119464

    Can you get therapy through the health system? That’s what you need. You lost a baby, for one thing. Therapy could help you process that as well as figuring out how to move past this first adult relationship where you seem to have gotten yourself stuck, and maybe help you reframe your narrative. And better equip you to be a partner in a relationship. It sounds like you take pride in, like, your ability to do things for your girlfriend like renovate a house, fix the computer, buy presents, but you understandably don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, let alone how to participate in one. Or how to realize when it’s time to move on. You also might have a mental health issue like depression that needs treatment.

    April 3, 2023 at 7:52 am #1119465

    And I’m no psychologist, but I know we play out the relationships we saw in our childhood, or replay our trauma, right? You said your mom was an addict and your father left? Well, you got pregnant with an addict and then you left. You need to get help so you don’t keep repeating that pattern. Even if this woman is the person you’re supposed to be with, which she’s probably not, you would neee help to break the pattern.

    April 3, 2023 at 8:47 am #1119466

    Kate is not a psychologist but she is right. You need professional help. I’ve been in therapy for years and it’s really helped me. I grew up with trauma as well. You can feel better, I promise.

    I’m confused about the picture, was it her and a newborn or just a mother and newborn? Sorry.

    Even if it is her with a newborn baby, you know she is an addict who wouldn’t quit for your potential baby before. I see nothing attractive about that. Social media feeds you lies. People post their best pictures, the happy moments, not the rest when they’re struggling to pay bills, arguing constantly, addicted to drugs and unable to stop for a baby, or down and out.

    Therapy. But block and avoid her completely now. Reach out to old friends. Go out in nature and take care of your body.

    April 3, 2023 at 1:05 pm #1119475

    Certainly best to give up cigarettes and beer during pregnancy, but I wouldn’t call this woman an addict. He did say after-work beer (singular), not that she got drunk. Miscarriages happen for many reasons. Since he mentions this, I suspect this is something that they fought about.

    Why did he just leave the house to her?

    Beyond that, once a relationship ends, best to move on and not dwell upon it.

    Thirty-two is hardly over the hill. Still plenty of time for fatherhood.

    Looking in the mirror and seeing a wreck at 32? What sort of life has LW been living?

    Yes, therapy. Waaay too fixated on this ex. Way too hopeless about future. Find activities and people whom you enjoy. Date again. Branch out beyond being a manly man.

    April 4, 2023 at 7:56 am #1119489

    I have to say, yes, I was wrong about the addict part – but cigarettes and beers daily are not okay during pregnancy at all. Alcoholism can be defined as a drink every single day. Words just describe things. I have my vices, too. Being addicted to cigarettes and beer is just a thing that she seemingly is.

    40 roses would do what for a woman whose just miscarried? I mean it’s a gesture, sure, but it’s more of a clueless romantic Valentine’s Day kind of gesture and not really emotionally supportive for the loss of a baby. I’m sorry if I seem harsh, but women need and want more than flowers in those times. Trying everything=doing more than that.

    April 4, 2023 at 9:23 am #1119491

    I think in this day and age if someone can’t give up smokes and alcohol during pregnancy, it’s pretty likely they’re addicted to something. Maybe she gave up, or claimed to give up, harder stuff during pregnancy but still needed something to take the edge off.

    And the LW seems to link this behavior with the miscarriage, so in that sense you’re got a pattern playing out with mom harming baby via substance abuse and dad leaving. It would also make sense if he finds himself in relationships with addicts given his upbringing. Did he state in his letter she’s addicted to drugs or alcohol, no, but people don’t tell the whole story in their letters.

    April 4, 2023 at 9:27 am #1119492

    The after-work beer as stated here isn’t necessarily singular either. Even if English were his first language, it isn’t clear.

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A manly mans first time asking for directions.

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