Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

A relationship that has hit every rock. Please help!

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice A relationship that has hit every rock. Please help!

  • This topic has 9 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 12 months ago by Puddin’.
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  • #1004854 Reply

    My partner and I have been together on and off since we were 13 (we are now early twenties). In one of these off periods I moved away and ended up having my son with someone else. Since moving back home we have started seeing each other again.

    I love him. More than anything (other than my son). But he just isn’t adjusting well to the idea of family life. He doesn’t help tidy up (he is living here through the lockdown). Refuse to do any kind of house work or help with my son. He is also looking to join the RAF but until that goes through is working jobs just to get by. Him being here eating food and using resources is having a negative impact on my finances. I’ve tried to discuss with him but all he keeps doing is apologising and saying he will help and then doesn’t.

    I don’t know what to do. Do I stay with him and work through it again in hopes this time will be a different out come or do I cut my losses and find someone who wants to be a family. The worst part is when I’ve discussed a future with him he goes quiet and won’t talk to me about it. He says he is comfortable living with his parents and just staying here when he feels like but I sort of just feel like something to fill his time when he is bored.

    My family love him because he has been part of the family for nearly 10 years. I feel so so lost.

    #1004931 Reply

    He’s not going to change. Waiting for a different outcome is foolish. He’s using you & you already know it. Worse, he’s taking resources away from your son & modeling behavior you don’t want your son to copy. He’s familiar & your family likes him, but a happy relationship needs so much more. You’re unhappy now. That’s all you need to end it.

    #1005068 Reply

    Look, I get why you want to save this relationship- it’s familiar and you know each other but the reason you haven’t just stayed together is because it doesn’t work. He’s what he is. He’s never going be the man/person you wish or know he could be. You even managed to not have a child with him, so some part of you knew this. There’s a theory called Sunk Cost fallacy- it started out as a financial theory but it applies to relationships to- you’ve put in the time and effort into thing one thing in the hope it’ll reap benefits- but at some point you’ve look closely at what you’ve got & see if it’s worth it. He/your relationship isn’t working. It never will. You will always have a soft spot for him, but he’s not able to take care of his own life- let alone yours. He’s got parents you take care of him- you don’t want to be a third parent. You want a equal partner. You deserve that. Put him in the old boyfriend box & let him remain there. Whilst you take care of yourself, your actual kid & meet a grown up man to be with.

    #1005074 Reply

    Yeah I agree with the above advice. This is who he is, and despite his promises to do better, he isn’t. He’s taking resources from you and doing nothing to contribute. He actually prefers to live with his parents. What about any of that tells you he cares about you or your son?

    Your family will get over him being gone. Don’t consider them in your actions. Your top concerns should be for you and your son. He’s actively hurting you by taking and taking and taking.

    #1005162 Reply

    You are young. And even though you’ve been together a long time, you aren’t married. Just because you’ve been with this guy since you were a child does not mean he’s the right guy for you. You two with only both continue to grow and mature a lot here in the next few years, and it doesn’t seem like you are growing in the same direction.

    You can love someone deeply, invest a lot of time in them, but ultimately realize it’s not the right relationship anymore.

    Kinda sounds like it’s time to move on.

    #1005213 Reply

    Why continue in a relationship that you say has hit every rock? Other than the familiarity of knowing him since you were 13, there seems nothing positive here. Chuck the mooch out!

    #1005242 Reply

    LW – sounds like you came back home and jump right back in a relationship with this guy and wanted to play family. And what you are getting is a big man child who is taking food out of your child’s mouth and money out of your pocket book whilst being a moocher. That alone should make you want to kick him to the curve.

    Send him packaging back to his parents. We aren’t to far from a year of being on lockdowns. If he isnt helping with the basic of house chores or financial support, he isnt worth keeping around. And to be frank, if this guy can barely care for himself, what the heck makes you think he can care for a child.

    He has alot of growing up to do and the RAF will hopefully help but dont sit around and wait on this one.

    #1005392 Reply

    Thank you everyone. I knew this was the case I just need to speak to reasonable people who aren’t boast because everyone close to US is saying it will get better. Thank you for your help. I’m moving on x

    #1007996 Reply

    I learned the hard way (and after far too long) that you should never, EVER stay with someone you are hoping will change. If you aren’t happy with who he is, just the way he is, at this moment — you are never going to get any happier. He isn’t going to change. It’s hard to leave a relationship you’ve put a lot of time into. It’s hard not knowing if you’ll find someone who makes you happier. It’s hard giving up on that dream of, “If he’d only [clean up more/contribute financially/want to be part of a family] we’d be SO HAPPY!” He won’t, so you won’t.

    Someday you’ll find a guy you don’t want to change in any way, because you are happy with him exactly as he is. Sure, he’ll have flaws like we all do, but they won’t make you miserable. He’ll value the same things you value and contribute equally to the household and want the same kind of future you do.

    And you’ll never meet him if you stick with this guy.

    Trust me, from someone who has lived it.

    #1009124 Reply

    This is baffling to me. You know the answer. You KNOW you should leave. Being together on and off since 13 is irrelevant. You both were children. And it didn’t even work then. The biggest deal breaker is he isn’t a family man. You have a child. Throw the whole dude out. This is why bad things happen to children. Because women choose men they know don’t want their kid. He is taking money that sustains him. He is showing he doesn’t give a fuck about your kid. Is that not enough? Then your unhappiness should be. That you have to ask what you should do.

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