fbpx
Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

About to make a big decision…

Home Forums Advice & Chat About to make a big decision…

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 17 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1100511 Reply
    Hannah
    Guest

    So my story is long and convoluted and would honestly conjure some violins if I attempted to explain it thoroughly and I don’t want to sound self pitying. But I do really need advice.
    Essentially, I’m in a situation where I want to move out of my parents’ house. My start to college got delayed and now I’m in a position where I have literally no friends. I’m not exaggerating. My friends from highschool dwindled and I didn’t have many in my final year because of a certain family situation. So the only “friend” I have currently in my life is my boyfriend… and we’re long distance.
    It’s just how my circumstances unfolded, in large part because of COVID and my parents being elderly and us living in a rural area, and me lacking a drivers license.
    So overall, I need to move out to the city that’s near me so I can meet people and get involved in a community again but I’m afraid I’ll be even more isolated because I won’t know anyone.
    I have one old friend that lives in that city that I’ve reached out to and wants to hang out, but it’s been forever and she has her own friends and she’s only one person. I wonder if my anxiety about this is palpable through this text? Haha do let me know. And if anyone has been through moving to a new city while not in college or employed and somehow made it and made friends – can you please share any advice you have? thanks for reading 🙂
    Oh lastly – I know you might be thinking “why not live near the boyfriend” been there done that haha. Unfortunately he’s in Canada and I’m in the US so it’s max 6 months and we’re all maxed out for this year, plus I can’t get a job there.

    #1100516 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    You say that your entrance to college got delayed. For how long? Are you moving to the city where you plan to go to college or is college put on an indefinite hold? Because you would definitely make friends in college and social aspect aside, it’s certainly worth figuring out a way to make college happen in the near future if that’s something you want to pursue. Even take a class or two at a community college while you work, pursue financial aid and whatever else you need to make full-time college happen would be worth the effort.

    The sense of purpose that comes from pursuing a degree or building a career or contributing to society will go a long way in making you feel useful, connected to the world, and putting you in situations where you can meet like-minded people. Additionally, these tips I wrote about how to make friends as an adult could be helpful for you:

    https://dearwendy.com/how-to-make-friends-after-college/

    #1100517 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Are you asking, how does one move to a city with no job, no money, no employment history, no skills, and make it on their own? I don’t think that’s a thing. You’d need to have money to get there, and someone to stay with if you didn’t have savings for your first rent. And then you’d need to quickly find a job that would pay rent. I’m sure you could find a job in this economy, but I’m not sure it would pay the bills.

    What about college? What’s the plan for starting school, and where? I think that’s what you need to be focusing on, getting yourself into school and housing. Are your parents helping you out with that?

    #1100529 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’ve never moved to a city without a job. You need money. Getting an apartment usually requires a credit check and if you have limited credit history -someone to co-sign a lease. Landlords are not really keen on high risk lessees. And even if you’re getting a space with a bunch of roommates and for whatever reason it’s not going through a landlord, they aren’t going to let you live there without paying.

    You will need at minimum, to hand over 2x the rent – first and last month. Then add in your utilities and general expenses.

    Making friends – you do that through jobs, meet ups, social events.

    #1100539 Reply
    Hannah
    Guest

    In response to all, because your questions are similar in nature, I do plan to attend college but I can only go this upcoming fall. My issue is what to do in the meantime – particularly because I don’t have many, if any, friends and am currently stuck at home in a situation that is not healthy. It is isolated here because of my parents being older and my dad refuses to let me get a job while living here or visit anyone locally for fear of COVID, even though we’re all vaccinated. I have money saved that I can use for rent and have found a place I can afford in the city near me. My post is mainly questioning if it is at all possible for me to make friends and not be miserably lonely in a city where I’m not attending a college and don’t already know anyone well. I have already been on the search for jobs and activities there that are relavent to my skills and interests and career, but I’m worried I still won’t meet people.
    Thanks all, for your replies and thoughts.

    #1100541 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, yeah, you make friends at a job.

    But you also make them at school. I guess if you’re going to school somewhere other than this city, then I’m not sure it’s a great idea to use your savings to get an apartment, a job, and a life in that city, make friends, and then uproot everything in 6 months and go to school.

    Also, it looks like you’re in Canada right now. Are you staying with your bf? Can you not go home, then come back in the new year?

    #1100544 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I’ve moved several times as an adult, though I always had a job lined up before making the leap. You’ll meet new people if you put your mind to it. You may have to be the one to put yourself out there by initiating social outings, like being bold enough to ask a new acquaintance if they’d like to grab coffee, go to happy hour, or try that cool new restaurant you’re excited about. It can still be lonely, but if you’re friendly, you’ll be okay. It’s also a great time to learn self-reliance and independence (if you’re not used to that) and figure out who you are.

    Here are some things I have done in the past to make new friends:
    – Reconnect with old friends
    – Connect with friends of friends
    – Having a job
    – Taking classes
    – Using online tools like MeetUp to help me meet people with common interests

    A roommate would both offset living costs (since it sounds like you’ll be living off savings, at least for awhile) and also provide at least a small amount of companionship.

    IMO, knowing how/having the guts to put yourself out there, meet new people, and foster new friendships is generally a great skill to have. As I’ve gotten older, my friendships have changed as friends’ lives have changed and I’ve had to continue to make an effort to find people in a similar life stage.

    #1100545 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I mean, yeah you can move to a city and meet people and make friends. But it takes a lot of time, especially if you don’t really know anyone there. And we are still in a pandemic, so I can imagine it being much more difficult to meet anyone without concerted effort or a job, class, volunteer position, whatever. And don’t expect to meet for coffee and be bosom buddies. Friendships take hours to build.

    I definitely think you shouldn’t stay in a home where you aren’t allowed to work or socialize and you have the budget to leave. Go, but get a job and find outlets for yourself so you don’t get too isolated.

    #1100546 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It might be best to move to the city where you’re already planning to go to school, and get set up there, rather than temporarily moving somewhere else.

    #1100548 Reply
    Kicia
    Participant

    If you’re already feeling lonely and isolated while at home, it seems like being lonely in city where you have the potential to meet people and get a job would be a step up. Copa and Wendy have some great suggestions on how to meet people when you’re an adult. Would it be easy to find work in the city you’re thinking of moving to?

    #1100549 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I do agree with Kate. If you plan to go to school somewhere else, perhaps going there is really the best idea. Otherwise your just spending a lot of money to try to live somewhere you will leave in six months. When people hear that, they may not want to invest in a friendship if you’ll be leaving so quickly. It doesn’t make sense to try to build friendships, a community, etc within such a short time frame.

    #1100552 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I wouldn’t care if someone was moving in 6 months. Still time to hang out. If I like them, I’ll contact them after they move away.

    What about online games? With a decent pc and internet you can get online and join some of those MMP games or whatever (god do I sound like the middle aged person I am).

    There are a lot of people who have made good friends while playing and it sounds like it’d be social and a distraction which is something you need. You just have to balance that with real life and stuff.

    Or is there a community college near you? That might be a relatively cheap alternative to not going to school yet and you can take classes that either get you ahead of the game or just for fun. Where I lived in nowhere NJ there was a really good CC that, had uber existed, would have been less than $20 (in today money). An intro to pottery class would be a great distraction.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 17 total)
Reply To: Reply #1100552 in About to make a big decision…
Your information: