Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › About to move out and realizing how lonely I’m about to be.
- This topic has 13 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by TacoTuesday.
So I’m about to move out of my family’s home for the first time in a few months (I’m 25), and I realize I’m about to be very lonely, lol. Or at least, sometimes feel very alone.
At this time of my life I have no friends (a long story) and I’m realizing everyday will start alone, end alone, and there will be no more days of a home filled with my brother’s laughter or side talks with my mom or listening to my dad’s funny stories and whatnot. I also WFH at an online job that’s totally across the country, so no co-workers to connect with in real life too. And the way it takes time for adult friendships to grow…ah, just feels discouraging right now.
I know moving out is the right choice for me for many reasons, but what are some ways to make the most of this transition?HelenGuest
Meet-Up was invented for people like you. Also volunteer for a cause that speaks to you. Both will regularly put you around the same people who have interests like you. This is how you make friends in the wild. Being at the same thing more than once.anonymousseParticipant
If you feel lonely, call your brother or anyone who you connect with that you miss. I’ve moved around a lot since I left home and I have some suggestions.
Yes, it does take effort, time and more continued effort to make a real friend. I read somewhere that it’s 90 hours minimum investment. You just have to keep trying, despite setbacks or negative experiences. That’s basically true of most things. Good things usually don’t come to you totally easily (sometimes they do and celebrate those times!) but look at the work of making a friend not as a hopeless endeavor, but more of a muscle you need to build. It’ll come. I know it’s really hard. And you’ll also have to work a new muscle called “not taking things personally,” when people cancel, totally stand you up, etc.
Volunteering can be a great way to meet people and give back to something you care about while getting involved in the community. Also try to go to open mic nights, or anything at all that strikes your interest. You never know. Good luck.anonymousseParticipant
Also, once I moved to a city I knew no one and was so so so lonely! It was incredibly hard. But I actually grew to love living alone and that freedom. It’s an interesting time for you. Try to dread it less and look at it as a fun adventure.
In your 20s and 30s you meet friends through:
School (if you do grad school or take classes)
Your partner if you have one, or you date
Church and/or volunteering
And then yeah, Meetup or a community center that offers activities and classes like idk cooking or art or wine tasting.
But if you’re struggling to make and keep connections at all because of mental health issue like anxiety or depression, or trauma, definitely use your health insurance to see a counselor and work through that.
Also really think about whether the loneliness from living alone is going to be a worse hit to your mental health than whatever’s happening at home.CopaParticipant
I went from living with my early 20s boyfriend to moving back in with my parents, then eventually moved out on my own. Within I’d say six months of getting my first place, I got a job offer in my current city, which is in another state, and moved here totally alone. My first solo place, I was about an hour from my parents, but once I left the state, I no longer had the option of a relatively easy drive back to that comfort. It was definitely a weird, sometimes tough transition, but I grew to really like living alone.
Is getting a roommate an option? I was vehemently opposed to having one simply because I felt like living alone was a mark of success. In hindsight, this was really stupid logic. I was at least going into an office every day at this point in my life, so I got to be around people M-F notwithstanding the state of my social life. A roommate may be a good way to feel less alone and save money at the same time.
Things I did/learned when I was transitioning to my new city/state:
– I found a routine I liked
– I got comfortable doing things alone on days that I was completely solo. I explored my new city this way. Even being around other people will make you feel more connected than if you just sit home alone.
– I said yes to every invite that came my way and told myself I’d stay at least an hour at any of these events
– I joined Meet Up groups (for me that was book club and a social sports team), eventually joined a small/friendly group fitness gym, and volunteered
– I tried out new hobbies
– I learned that a lot of adults are a little lonely and many will say yes to plans if you take the initiative to ask
Good luck! I look back on my first couple years in this city with so much nostalgia. I know I romanticize it a bit — because yes, it was a lonelier time in my life — but I got to meet the version of myself who can learn to thrive outside of her comfort zone. I’m very proud of the life I’ve built for myself here.VathenaGuest
I really echo the sentiment that you need to find an activity or something to put on your schedule, to attend on a regular basis. Adult sports leagues are perfect for this, if you’re even a tiny bit inclined to be athletic. I joined an ultimate frisbee pickup team with a friend when I was 25 – we didn’t know anyone else there. I ended up with a bunch of new friends, and I met my husband playing frisbee. I’m 42 now, and our 9yo daughter is attending the 9th birthday party of another frisbee couple this weekend. Also, if you know even 2-3 people even a little bit, like well enough to have their phone numbers, invite them for a dinner party or happy hour! Tell them each to bring another friend. If people seem to get along, you can invite them out every month or two. Proximity and repetition can build a friend group. I have a group that started out as friends-of-friends in our early 20s and now we refer to ourselves as a family, even though we have scattered geographically.
And not for nothing, but as someone who is married with a kid and emerging (hopefully, somewhat) from an intensive period of pandemic parenting, I am jealous of your alone time and private space. Lol. The grass is always greener eh?!
I really enjoyed living alone too, but I had a pet, an office job, friends, and usually a boyfriend. It concerns me to think about someone going off to live on their own with a totally remote job and no existing friendships. That’s why I’m wondering what’s necessitating you moving out right now, and if you can delay that while you work on making some connections, maybe even looking around for a local job.TacoTuesdayGuest
Hi, everyone! Thank you for all the awesome suggestions! I will pretty much do what you all said and say yes to anything that strikes my interest!
Nope, can’t stay at home any longer. Love my parents, but they have controlling rules that have stifled my life long enough.
Add to that, they are very scared of COVID — my family is *still* quarantining from anyone who aren’t in-house family members and the strangers we’re forced to pass by when grocery shopping — putting my social/dating life even more on hold. Time to go!TacoTuesdayGuest
To circle back on this, just in a different direction, but it’s hard dealing with the flare ups of resentment that happen when I realize, now so late at 25, what ny parents did to me. They sheltered me from so much and for so long, for no reason! All for the comfort of their little bubble and now, for the past three years, with their irrational COVID concers. Argh.
All right, well, 25 isn’t old. You’ve got lots of time ahead of you to do whatever you want. You have your health, a job, living parents. You’ll figure it out.