Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Abusive or not (what do I do)

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  • #873511 Reply

    Keep us updated, writer. Every couple weeks or so a victim of domestic violence rolls in here for advice and is never heard from again, and every time I die a little inside wondering what happened to them. I’m sure I can’t be the only one.

    #873514 Reply

    You are not the only one bloodmediocrity. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and the inability to physically help currently suffering victims is….frustrating. We can only hope for an update

    #873520 Reply

    Leave. Quickly. Do not look back.

    #873578 Reply

    Update: I left. He ended up coming back and he didn’t want to speak to me after two days already, and he still had my phone number blocked. I ended up exploding with anger and yelling toward him to communicate with me and he took off and left the apartment. Then he text me saying he wanted space. So I packed all of my belongings and left. I took the dog with me but he threatened to tell my dad that I was living with him (since he did not know and would get angry) so I brought the dog back to the apartment and left I don’t understand why he asked for space and I don’t understand why he will not speak to me and is blocking my number. I don’t understand this situation. I’m very confused.

    #873579 Reply

    Ok, I have to ask. WHY would you go and be alone with him and actually explode with anger and antagonize a guy who has thrown a phone at you, pushed you, and choked you in the past few days? What are you thinking? Why are you not taking this seriously? You can’t afford to sit there and be confused. It’s pretty straightforward. Abusers don’t start out hitting and choking you. They start out being jealous (check) and controlling (check check) and then they escalate to violence. Please read about the cycle of abuse. Please talk to someone. Why are you ignoring everything we’re telling you about abusers and how dangerous this is? He even did exactly what people predicted and used the dog against you. You should have said fine, tell my dad, and left with the damn dog. He may now hurt the dog to hurt you. Please snap out of this and start acting in your own interest.

    #873580 Reply

    I repeat: did you call the domestic violence hotline?

    Why were you still waiting there for him to come back? Why were you trying to communicate with him? We’ve gave you everything you need to understand this situation perfectly: the guy is an abusive loser and potential murderer. That’s it. End of story. There is no other hidden explanation for any of this.

    The experts at the hotline will tell you the same thing. You still need to hear it, ’cause you still don’t get it.

    #873582 Reply

    This is not something that’s ever going to get better. He has already been violent with you. You need to leave, not explode in anger asking him to communicate with you. No. You should block him and leave for good. I don’t understand why you’re not taking this seriously.

    #873584 Reply

    And listen, if you don’t understand why he’s blocking you and refusing to talk to you: It’s because he’s an abuser and part of that is he enjoys emotionally torturing you (in addition to physically harming you). Because he is an abuser. He enjoys seeing you in pain, begging him to pay attention to you.

    Guess what? Isolating you from your family and blackmailing you are also abuse. And listen, if you’re ever being blackmailed by ANYONE, your response needs to be, “fine, I don’t care, tell them.” Then they have no power over you, and may not carry through with their threat.

    #873587 Reply

    You’re not getting what we’re trying to tell you.

    When men behave like your boyfriend does, IT’S NOT LOVE. It’s sickness. That’s why he does what he does. He’s ill. I don’t care if he said “I love you” fifty times a day. He doesn’t understand love the way that normal people feel it. He doesn’t get pleasure from a mutually supportive, fulfilling and loving relationship. He gets pleasure from having power over you. At the beginning, the power and pleasure comes from knowing you’re crazy about him. When he starts to fear he might be losing that power (you talking to your friend), that’s when the threats and the abuse start. Now he gets his power and pleasure from scaring you. Hurting you. Making you pay for talking to someone else.

    That’s why he’s jerking you around. Because he wants to hurt you. It makes him feel good to hurt you.

    I’ll say it one more time. THIS IS NOT LOVE. He is not doing it because he looooooooves you so much. He’s doing it because something’s wrong with his brain.

    Stay away from this nutcase. No matter what he says. And for the love of god, if you have any large male relatives or friends, send them to get that poor dog out of there before he hurts it or worse to get back at you. Yes, that’s a common thing for abusers to do.

    (Not that I want to put LW’s friends or relatives at risk…does anyone know if you can call the police or animal control if you feel an animal is in danger, and get it removed from the home? The guy has physically assaulted the LW on more than one occasion, that should certainly be grounds to make a report of the dog being in danger.)

    I’m going to strongly suggest that you talk to a therapist to help you understand what’s happened here, and how you can avoid it in the future.

    #873620 Reply

    I can understand how you’re confused by his behavior. If you’re a good person and have been mainly surrounded by good people you can’t understand why someone would be a bad person. This is a bad person. Your inability to recognize that is going to get you killed. You are severely underestimating the danger of this man. Any time you ask yourself why he’s doing anything the answer is because he’s abusive. Everything he’s doing is textbook domestic violence!! We even predicted what he would do with your dog!! Wake up and delete this asshole from your life. Research how to safely leave an abusive relationship. Call the helpline. Quit attacking him like he poses no harm to you!

    #873624 Reply

    Honestly? I simply don’t see how this is at all confusing.

    LW! This thread is chock full of very good advice from many smart people who are all saying pretty much the same thing. The same good advice! Please… take it. Just take the advice — rather than the abuse. Please trust us on this. Your relationship NEEDS to be over! End it. Now. And never look back.

    #873628 Reply

    Well I am confused what you are confused about. Confused on how much he has to frighten/hurt you before you wise up. Confused on why,why you did not run out of the apartment when he choked you and threw you to the ground. You go cry on the couch. Why you are more concerned about your father finding out you are living with a guy than your own safety. Do you have some wish to be mained? Like having hospital bills? Bet you father will find out then. Let him have the dog. Really – wise up.

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