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Dear Wendy

Abusive or not (what do I do)

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Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 71 total)
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  • #873630 Reply

    I have been gone from him for about two days now. I appreciate all of the advice. I am struggling so much with being away from him, and struggling to be happy and get out of bed. I scheduled therapy to help me figure out what is emotionally going on with me, because it’s not normal to feel this way after what he’s done. I somehow feel this is all my fault, but I’m sure it’s not. He has me blocked and I was so stupid to message him, and he responded “I said I want space- what don’t you get?” I am feeling so frustrated and so angry with him. Just shutting me out and never apologizing, and saying he needs space from me (like I did this all). I feel so stupid feeling how I am. I feel depressed and I haven’t even left my bed. Can someone please give me advice on how to feel better, and feel happier through this? I don’t have friends to be honest- I have three people that I text and only see one of the three. I feel alone, even though I came back home with my mom/ dad and my moms here for me. I feel alone.

    #873631 Reply

    Whether he has the dog or not, he still has the ability to try to blackmail you into coming back by threatening to tell your dad. Now you’ve proven to him that using that threat will work. At this point you need to come clean with your dad about where you’ve been living and what your boyfriend did to you. Unless you have reason to be fearful of your dad? Otherwise expect your (hopefully ex) boyfriend to use that threat against you again. Take that power away from him. You need the help and support of the people in your life to keep you safe and away from this guy. As the others have said, he acts this way because he wants to and it brings him security and joy to control and hurt you. Please get into therapy. Please call the domestic violence hotline.

    And if you can safely get your dog back please do that before he hurts/kills the dog too, which he will do sooner or later.

    #873633 Reply

    Again, here is the advice you are asking for:

    1. Call the domestic violence hotline on page 1 of this thread. Even though you are away from him right now, you still need to call that number.

    2. Block him on your phone and all social media. Do not contact him.

    3. Forget about feeling better and focus on feeling lucky to be alive. The crap feeling you have now is temporary. Being strangled to death is not.

    4. You will feel a lot better the longer you stay NO CONTACT with this loser. Think of it as poison gas. When you’re in the room with it, you get sick. When you breathe clean air away from it, you feel better. His toxic mess is contagious, so stay the eff away.

    5. Whatever you do, keep that therapy appointment.

    #873634 Reply

    I honestly would not advise anything with the dog. LW is too susceptible to any excuse to contact this abusive sh1thole, so dealing with the dog should not be on the table for her right now.

    Priority #1 is to stay away from abusive sh1thole.

    Let someone else deal with the dog.

    #873636 Reply

    It sounds like this was your first serious relationship? It’s just what breakups feel like. They feel bad. It’s gonna feel bad for awhile. All you can do is keep yourself busy, and in time you’ll feel better. Go for a run. Binge some show you’ve been wanting to watch on Netflix. Go to a meetup for something you’re interested in – not to meet guys, but to be around other people and maybe find a friend.

    As for him – don’t waste your time looking for logical explanations for his behavior. Some people are just assholes, and sometimes that’s all the explanation there is.

    And….no regrets. It takes awhile to get to know people’s true selves, especially if they’re hiding their bad qualities so you’ll like them. It’s not the least bit unusual to be dating someone for awhile and then see a side of them that you never knew was there, and it’s a dealbreaker.

    That’s what happened here. You saw his real character, and it wasn’t pretty. Now you know you he’s not a good person, he doesn’t have your back, and you can’t trust him at all. And he doesn’t love you or respect you. For sure, he isn’t someone you could be proud to introduce to friends and family. Just picture him behaving the way he has, but doing it in front of your family. Or your friends. Think of how embarrassed you’d be. That should help get rid of any regrets.

    #873639 Reply

    Thank your lucky stars that he has chosen to leave you. You have no idea how lucky you are and how much easier it makes this that he is willing to let you go. Omg. Call the domestice violence hotline and talk to them. Keep the therapy appointment. CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. Seriously, reaching out like that is putting yourself at extreme risk. Accept that you will never see him again and resolve to stay away from him. Your life depends on it. At the very least, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? And who treats you like less than garbage?

    You feel this is your fault because he’s conditioned you to feel responsible for him, and because you are having severe struggles with self worth and self esteem, and possibly depression or symptoms of ptsd depending on how long he’s been abusing you. You may feel unworthy and like you’ll never find someone to love you. This is absolutely untrue. The longer you are away from him, the more you surround yourself with good people who are worthy of your time and love, and the more therapy and counseling you get the better you will feel. It will get better.

    #873640 Reply

    How do you feel better? Exercise. Change up your hair or go buy something that makes you feel pretty. Keep the therapy appointment. I’m not lying about the exercise. Blast your music and run till you can’t run anymore. There’s a feee 30 day yoga program that is popular. Yoga by Adrienne. I promise you’ll feel better. Stronger

    #873641 Reply


    Well of course you’re feeling odd, lost and depressed – even a normal break up brings these feelings. But it’s worse when you’ve broken up with someone abusive as you’ve gotten used to a constant state of lows and highs. It’s almost like an addiction. So very well done on organising a therapist! Best decision. Make sure you keep going and yes it not an immediate fix but necessary to build yourself back up.

    I notice you seem isolated…no friends you see regularly. This something you should aim on fixing. It’s also what makes you vulnerable to him, no friends equals easy picking for him because there is no one to care or see what he’s doing to you. I suggest you find meetups in your area asap, take courses in languages or arts or find something you find fun or never done. Go to the gym, exercise in whichever way you can. Time to make experiences/memories that are about you and your new friends. Or even y o u on your own. Volunteer for a charity…soup kitchen, in an animal shelter, teaching kids or becoming a mentor etc. Just expand your world and others. Get busy. And this the most important step – block all social media \ ways to contact him so he can’t contact you and you can’t contact him. And don’t go to areas you hung out together. If you see him, avoid him. Don’t get trapped into talking to him.

    Also you’re going have a huge amount of feelings, things you want to say so write them down, write, write write, exhaust yourself with writing in a journal or even on the laptop but don’t send it anywhere – it’s 1) to drain you of all feels about him 2) to save everybody else from always having to hear about it. You friends and family will love you but even they have only so much attention they can deal with on a break up.( This also why you see a therapist to guide you and listen. )Then when you’re finally bored about writing about him, your feels about him- you can print it out and burn it up.

    It’ll take a minimum of 6 months to a year to get past this- but aware your therapy might need to take more time then that. There will have been red flags in this relationship, use this time to also learn what they were, so to see them earlier in the next man or how to avoid dating someone who sets those flags off in the first few dates. Other comments will have recommended books- you should get them. Wishing you well.

    #873642 Reply

    Exercise. Talk to your mom. Reach out to those three friends. Watch movies. Read a book. Write in a journal. Call your grandma. Call a domestic violence call line which someone suggested earlier. Buy a therapy app and speak to a therapist now in addition to keeping your in person appointment.

    Stop contacting him.

    He’s hurt you. He’s not your bf anymore. He’s told you to stop. I don’t understand why you’re poking the tiger. Don’t provoke him. Stay away from him. Being alone and bored is BETTER than the drama and the violence.

    #873652 Reply

    Just want to be clear about one major thing …

    He hasn’t left her. He’s f*cking with her head. Believe me, he will be back. He will pull some drama. Abusers don’t just walk.

    LW, I know your situation, and that last sentence makes you happy. (“Oh, he won’t let me go!”) I promise you, that is not cause for rejoicing. It’s why you need to call the domestic violence hotline in addition to keeping that therapy appointment. You have got to be prepared. He has shown signs of being homicidal, and you have got to be ready. You need expert advice, and soon. He does not yet realize that you really aren’t coming back to the apartment, and when he does realize that it’s going to be a full-court press of drama. Begging, screaming, crying, breaking things, begging some more, and lots and lots and lots of lies.

    Get in-person help.

    Also, LW stated that this isn’t her first relationship, and my guess is that it isn’t her first abusive relationship.

    Get in-person help, LW, and call the hotline today. You are — right now — launching a much better life for yourself, and it is fantastic that you made that therapy appointment. We’re not trying to scare you; we’re with you.

    #873653 Reply

    FYI that’s a good point. It’s very likely, if/when he decides he wants her around again and realizes she won’t respond to his beck and call, he’ll shift right into blackmail, threats, and violence against her and the dog. LW The time when you are separating yourself from an abuser is absolutely the most dangerous. Call the hotline. Keep the therapy appointment but please call the hotline. They’re going to be much better at advising you on your specific circumstances and to prepare you for what may come. It seems unlikely to me this is your first brush with an abusive partner, and you may have grown up in a household where that’s what you knew. But you have a chance to break the cycle and save yourself. Please take it.

    #873654 Reply

    I am the one who cries hysterically, because he usually would tell me to get out (it was his apartment). I was adopted and lived in an orphanage for 9 years, and I think it played a role in me becoming hysterical over being told to leave. I would beg, pathetically, when he would be upset with me for him to not leave me. That’s why I scheduled therapy. I do not know why I behaved like this with him. When we first started dating- I dismissed red flags. His ex girlfriend hit him with a restraining order and he told me she was insane and I believed him. I read the report when he left and she said that he would get mad, ax use her of cheating, would throw her down and push her, would call her a bitch/ slut/ whore when mad. I should have believed what I read. It seems he is this way. He still has not text me.

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