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Dear Wendy

Abusive or not (what do I do)

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Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 71 total)
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  • #873656 Reply

    Yes, he is this way. Guys like him seek out vulnerable women. He probably is very attracted to your anxious attachment style because he can treat you however he wants and you won’t leave him. He loves it.

    You’re in such a high-risk position here. He knows how desperate you are not to be abandoned, and that you ignored what you knew about his violent behavior toward his ex. He will almost certainly come back, and he could break a bone next time or worse. He’ll eventually kill you.

    #873664 Reply

    >>He still has not text me.

    And why does that worry you ? You should be rejoicing. You are better off than his ex who had to contend with his stalking.

    Look, if you are adopted, it is proof your parents actually wanted you.
    You don’t have to take abuse from a guy just so you can stay with him and feel wanted.

    And for heaven’s sake, work with a counselor to get some self confidence. At the moment you are acting like a DOORMAT.

    #873697 Reply

    You are absolutely falling into your abuser’s trap: He is punishing you for questioning his behavior. You are falling for it by wondering why he isn’t reaching out and apologizing. By the time this ends you’ll sweep this under the rug, just happy that he reaches out again. You will have moved past the part where he physically assaulted you.

    He doesn’t feel he did anything wrong. In his story you made him feel bad by leading him to believe you might be cheating (an assumption he made all on his own with no evidence). And when he said you had to behave differently, you said “no” so in his mind he had to put you in your place and show you the consequences of not listening to him. And when you left, you left him alone and didn’t accept that this is the right way for a partner to behave, you challenged him yet again. So he’s punishing you for all of that.

    And now you’re wondering why he’s not begging you to come back – well he doesn’t think he did anything wrong so why would he apologize?

    Please stay away from him. Block him. Don’t meet up with him alone. You have seen who he is. You can not change him.

    #873706 Reply

    Please block him. Please. Despite everything we’ve said you’re still hoping he reaches out to you. You’re his perfect victim. He picked you because you have unprocessed trauma and he can exploit it. Keep the therapy appointment!! He will kill you if you don’t block him. He will be back. This is all apart of his method of torture. I’m not exaggerating

    #873708 Reply

    You are smart enough to know that the trauma you experienced when you were young is influencing your attachment to him now. If you’re aware of that, you know it’s unhealthy and you need to block him. It’s a simple and easy thing to do. You know it’s bad. Take the next step and do what is best for you.

    I hope you keep your therapy appointment and stay away from dating for awhile, until you’re in a more positive place where you are looking out for your self and not staying in shitty relationships because you’re afraid to be alone.

    #873710 Reply

    He shouldn’t be able to text you anyway, the fact that you still haven’t blocked him from everything is a little alarming, and that needs to be done. You can’t sit around waiting for this asshole to play his next game with, because that’s all it is, he’s just playing games. He’s waiting for a good time to pop back into your life, and he’s going to let you know that he forgives you for all the shit he has you believing you put him through, even though he’s the asshole here.

    #873711 Reply

    You seem really set on needing contact from him and needing an apology. I think maybe some (or a lot) of your self worth is tied up in feeling wanted by this guy, or worthy of his contact, because it makes you feel valued. Here’s the thing, even if he contacts you and love bombs you with apologies, promises, and compliments, it literally will not matter. He will beat you again, he will choke you again, he will put you down and kick you out again, he will block you again. You will go through this with him over and over again until either he kills you or you escape him. There is no end. There is no going back to the amazing guy he was at the beginning, because that guy was a facade he put on on purpose to reel you in. There is no apology or promise or amount of love from him that will last. Do you want to feel the way you do now over and over again forever?

    Maybe bring this thread with you and read it to your therapist. This will give him/her a starting point to see where you are at. Also, have you called the domestic violence hotline yet? You need to do that today, right now. They help women in your situation every day. I know it feels bleak and you feel worthless without him- he’s designed things to be that way. He’s conditioned you to feel like that. In a few weeks you will be absolutely amazed at the difference you feel as long as you stay safe and stay far, far away from him.

    #873718 Reply

    He ended up telling me last night that he is done, and the relationship is over. He said to never contact him again, and he will never contact me again. So it is all over and done with. I know I should feel glad and happy, but I feel extremely sad and low (almost depressed). I feel like this was all me. But I know he’s behaved this way in the past due to what his ex girlfriend said in the restraining order. I should have took that more serious and left in the beginning. I do feel worthless having that happen then being blocked and told he wanted space then saying he doesn’t want space he wants to break up. I feel horrible how it happened.

    #873719 Reply

    This guy has a restraining order out on him. Wow. You ignored all of the red flags and even now you’re still trying to convince yourself that getting away from a physically and emotionally abusive person is good for you.

    Are you sad that he’s not begging for forgiveness? That he has no remorse for hurting you? Is that why you are so sad and not relieved?

    You need therapy. I can not stress it enough.

    #873720 Reply

    He broke up with her two months before I moved in (I didn’t know at the time). He doesn’t have a restraining order- she had once sent to him and the judge dismissed it. But I’m that restraining order she said that he would call her a bitch/ whore/ slut (derogatory names), and he would physically hurt her. Then it said that his ex wife told her that he was physical with her, but the ex wife (he has a child with her) wrote a letter saying that he wasn’t- so I believed that. But I looked on her old Facebook and she wrote something saying “my husband broke down the door again what an idiot.” So I think she was just helping him out (for whatever reason). He told me they both cheated on him, so maybe he has issues with that.

    #873721 Reply

    How long were you together? Why did you move in so quickly? How old are you? How old is he?

    Do you understand you need to stop contacting him?

    #873723 Reply

    LW: If he texted you saying that he feels bad and would like to apologize and clear the air between you, what would you do?

    If your answer is anything BUT “he wouldn’t be able to text me, because I’ve blocked his number, and even if he got a new number to work around the block, I will never speak to him again” – it means you’ve missed the point of every bit of advice you’ve been given up to now.

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