Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy


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  • #1030665 Reply

    I am a caretaker for an elderly family member (mother) plus I am juggling a relationship in which my partner feels slighted and resentful that we aren’t able to spend much time together due to me taking care of My family member 24/7, and also due to Covid. My partner doesn’t understand or cares not to try. well they say that they understand that my family member comes and the pandemic limited interactions but they often express there unhappiness with the situation. Should I breakup with them because I believe that an achievable successful prosperous relationship can happen still in the dynamic , and they’re unsure of it? I give up my moments of solitude and free time which may vary from a half an hour to an hour each day to see them, but they feel it isn’t enough and are feeling unwanted and unsettled. Should I just not date anyone due to my situation, until it improves? Everyone that I’ve ever dated has had a problem with it. Maybe they just weren’t right for me? Can a successful relationship be achieved while being a caregiver?

    #1030679 Reply

    Not on those terms. One hour a day is not enough indeed for a romantic relationship. I admire your devotion to your mother, but can’t you delegate part of the care for your own sake? I mean, you can’t sacrifice completely your own life. Can you hire a help? Motivate other family members?
    Anyway, it doesn’t seem sustainable for a partner, sorry.
    You should at least liberate your week-ends.

    #1030680 Reply

    Well, you say “I believe that an achievable successful prosperous relationship can happen still in the dynamic,” but on what basis do you believe that? You said it’s been a problem for everyone you’ve dated, so that is definitely a pattern that indicates a fulfilling relationship is not achievable for you with everything you have going on. It’s definitely not working. If you can’t re-evaluate and cut back on the time you spend caring for your mom (can you get help for her? A nurse or home health aide? Other family member?), then yeah, I think you should let this person go and take a break from dating. But like Brise said, this isn’t sustainable. If your mom is going to require long-term care, you really need to find some kind of help.

    #1030682 Reply

    You ask whether you should give up dating until your situation improves. This leads to the question: how likely is the situation to improve and how far in the future would this happen. Yes, if you can never spare more than an hour to be with your SO, that is tough. So far that hasn’t worked with anyone you’ve dated, which should be telling you something. Why do you have so little free time? If you see yourself staying with this guy, what hopeful future path for this relationship do you see?

    #1030699 Reply

    I don’t think you will have a successful relationship as long as you can only spare 30-60 minutes to conduct one. Every single person you’ve dated has told you it’s not enough. You have to decide what is more important for you. I think finding extra help for your mother would be a great start.

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