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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Adoptive and Birth family tragedies

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  • #1101233 Reply
    Gogoblu
    Guest

    I lost my adoptive mom on Christmas Day 2019. We were never close, she just didn’t like me. I never really understood why because I didn’t get to ask those questions before she died. I longed for a relationship with her. I moved 2500 miles away at a young age and when I realized it was a mistake she refused to help me get home again, she said she didn’t want me messing up her life, so we really only had communication on holidays for 30 years.
    When she died it was devastating for me because I always held on to the hope that maybe one day she would love me and want me. I just wanted a parent figure to love me. And then she passed away and I realized it was too late it was never going to happen now. I was crushed.
    After she passed away I took the 23 and me DNA test hoping to connect with birth relatives, and thought I had found a nephew. I messaged him but didn’t get a response for about 6 months. When he finally responded I found out that he was actually my half brother. He told me my birth mother passed away six months ago in a horse accident. He told me I had two sisters and a brother besides him. He told me that my mother had always talked about me. I was devastated again but at the same time happy that I had found someone that was really truly related to me by blood. I wanted to get to know him and his family and I think I was way too open because it has been a week now and he’s not answering my messages anymore. I don’t have any other way to contact him besides through the 23andMe site. I gave him all of my information but he hasn’t tried to contact me or connect with me in any way. I’m sure there’s probably reasons but because I have gone through my entire life never knowing what being loved felt like I wanted it so badly I’m pretty sure I scared him away. I don’t know what to do I guess there’s really nothing to do but to except the fact that I’m alone now. I will never know my mother she was the only one who knew who my father was so I won’t know him either, and because I was so forward and talked too much I will probably never know my siblings. I just want someone to love me. I just want to belong to a family that wants me.
    I feel so broken..

    #1101235 Reply
    peggy
    Guest

    Hello Gogoblu. Sorry for your situation. I wish you had mentioned your age but my advice is the same. You need to create your own “family” and life. The past and these particular people do not seem to be the answer to your feeling lonely and not belonging anywhere. They may contact you again, but maybe they never will.
    You need to get therapy, if you are not doing that already, to deal with your losses. Then I would look to meeting/developing friends that can be your chosen “family” if you don’t have that in your life now. But you first need to feel better about yourself and develop some skills and hobbies etc. to keep your life balanced.
    If you are so/too needy you will alienate people, so creating balance in your life should be goal. There are lots of people that have friends that are closer to them and treat them better than their own families ever did. So that may be the thing to strive for. But therapy sounds like a good move here to start with. I wish you well.

    #1101237 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    Have you tried a support group for adoptees? You might benefit from talking to people who understand what you’re going through. You might find the acceptance and belonging there that you crave

    #1101239 Reply
    Lucidity
    Guest

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.

    Give your brother some time. You don’t need to assume he’s rejecting you because it’s been a week. This is a lot for him to absorb and it’s a very busy time of year. He has your information and can reach out when he’s ready. Hopefully he will share that info with the other siblings even if he’s not ready for a relationship right away.

    I hope you have people in your life who love and support you, friends who you can make your “family” of choice. The recommendation for an adoptee support group is a great idea.

    #1101255 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I would try to push the feelings you have of rejection to the side, as hard as that may be. It’s a lot of information for him to absorb and he might need more time. Or he might never want more. That’s hard to think about, I know, but you have to be ready for that. You have to be ready for any kind of reaction. If you haven’t reached out to a therapist or counselor about this, you should.

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m sure it’s incredibly hard, especially after all you’ve gone through to find them.

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