- This topic has 12 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by ron.
February 16, 2021 at 10:04 pm #1030521
I am looking for some advice. How do I tell my husband I’m not happy anymore and have fallen out of love with him? Long story short, been together since I was 17, married 27 years,2 adult children, I was the one who cheated and he found out. One of the men I cheated with became a very close friend and I find myself wanting to spend time with him more than my husband because I don’t see my husband in the same light anymore. I cheated just for the sex but this man became more of a friend to me. I am very confused because I know I do not expect to have a future or any real relationship with this other man as I am not I love with him but I also am struggling with the fact that it has shown me that my husband does not make me happy and I don’t think I’m in love with him either. What do I do?February 17, 2021 at 8:42 am #1030539briseGuest
Don’t say that you fell out of love when you are completely confused, that is the worst opening of a discussion. You will destroy what is left of your marriage without knowing that you really want.
Ask him to go with you to couple counseling to sort your marital problems. Then there, express what disturbs you and doesn’t make you happy in your marriage, and state what you expect from him and from you both to do for your marriage – stuff that he can actually change and are under his control, not a general feeling that you make him responsible for.
Meanwhile, try to take some distance with this other man. This makes the situation muddy. Plus, it is dishonest and disloyal toward your husband. Address first your marriage issues really, fairly, give it a try, then you will see if you walk out and become single again and available for an other relationship, or if it is a crisis in your marriage. Your actual situation is just messy. Plus, it pains your partner – not cool.
Think of what you want of yourself too. Often, we charge our partner for what we dislike in our life, because it is the closest target which allows us not to address our own real issues. What can you do to make yourself happier? What goals do you have in life? Why do you feel generally unhappy, at this stage of your life? It is exclusively a husband problem, or are there other causes as well? Make an introspection, preferably in therapy.
Adress also the material and financial aspects of a potential divorce. What would be your situation? Do you have a job? What can you expect? Speak with a lawyer to have a clear idea of the real consequences of a divorce before pushing the divorce button. Because “I fell out of love” is the nuclear option. There is no way back after such a statement. Think rationally and take professional advice before acting.February 17, 2021 at 10:00 am #1030546ronGuest
Yes this is confusing and not enough information to suggest what the problem is. “My husband does not make me happy” is an interesting comment. No person can make another person happy on a consistent, more than very short term basis. A good partner can greatly increase our happiness, but in the end, happiness as well as unhappiness comes largely from within. Are you depressed? You say you sought an affair for sex. Does that mean there are serious sexual problems within your marriage? Can you and your husband communicate about sexual needs and desires. You say that you don’t love the other man and don’t see a relationship with him, so he definitely isn’t the solution to your problems.
You say nothing about what else is in your life except your husband. Job, hobbies, friends, interactions with your children. You say your children are adult. Is your main problem adjusting to empty nest?
have you done anything to improve your self and marriage? Screening for depression? Couples therapy? An interesting new project or hobby? Is there anything in your non-relationship life that truly interests you and makes you happy, at least while you’re doing it. If not, then depression is likely a big part of your problem.
Were you ever happy in your marriage? When did the unhappiness begin?February 17, 2021 at 1:15 pm #1030555
Thank you both for the responses, I appreciate your perspectives. One thing I have considered is that yes, this is just a midlife crisis. I am seeing a counselor as is my husband. I don’t think I am depressed really, I honestly feel like there is a possibility that I have outgrown my husband. When I say he doesn’t make me happy anymore I mean since he found out he has obviously changed, understandably so, and I have changed also. There is a part of me now that sees him differently. I feel horrible of course,I know I messed up and I take the blame for every one of these issues and I feel incredibly guilty for being the reason behind why he is different and why I see him in a different light. I don’t expect him to forget or to trust because I broke that, I don’t think that will ever come back. I would like to be forgiven though, and not reminded of what I did which he has a tendency to do at least once weekly since this happened almost a year ago. I love him because he is the father of my children and my partner for so many things over the years of our marriage, but I feel like I broke him too badly and I will be walking on eggshells for the rest of my marriage because I have to be so careful about what I say to him or he becomes accusatory. I realize talking with the other man is definitely making things more difficult and that is something that I can avoid but what do I do when that doesn’t change anything? I absolutely hate the idea of hurting my husband again, yet is it fair to either of us at this point? I have tried talking to him and getting him to open up more in counseling to try and get him to a point where he can move forward because he has said he knows he shouldn’t keep bringing it up and he wants to move on, but I don’t know if it has worked. I feel like he wants to just avoid it altogether and pretend it didn’t happen and nothing is wrong. We have very good days where it is better and we enjoy each other’s company but those are few and far between. Additionally, you asked about our sex life and prior to him finding out we had a very good sex life, I just needed more (selfish, impulsive behavior I know) And my affairs actually enhanced our sex life until he found out. It is not the same now and unfortunately I am trying very hard but it is no longer fulfilling.
I’m sorry about the huge post, thanks for listening and all advice is appreciatedFebruary 17, 2021 at 2:38 pm #1030557LisforLeslieGuest
Hol up. You cheated on your husband, he found out and you’re still in contact with this guy and you’re complaining because your husband lashes out? You have two choices: Stay with your husband and expect that you will likely always have to make amends and be transparent in your behavior OR leave.
If you can’t be happy with your husband and you can’t stand that his faith and trust in you is understandably broken because you have not stopped the behavior that led to this crisis then leave. If you don’t want to stay, then leave. If you don’t think you can deal with the mess you made, leave. You can’t “fix” him while you’re still actively hurting him.
Honestly, he may only be able to heal if you go away.February 17, 2021 at 4:00 pm #1030559anonymousseParticipant
You have to make a choice and stick with it. If you want to work on your marriage- stop talking to other men. Keep going to counseling, but also look for a couples counselor. Have you considered a therapist?
If you don’t think there is anything worth saving, nothing to salvage, why not separate or divorce? Go to a better counselor, or try therapy and figure out what you actually want. In the meantime, stop fucking around with other men. That’s not cool to do to your husband of 27 years.February 17, 2021 at 4:39 pm #1030561FYIGuest
Sorry, but you have a character problem. You had a great sex life with your husband, but you “needed more,” and it sounds like you had more than one affair. And now you think other people are supposed to “make you happy.” It just sounds like you want a lot of ego boosts, and no one in your life is up to the job — least of all the person you betrayed (your husband).
You’re not “in love” with him anymore because he sees YOU differently. What did you THINK was gonna happen? He sees you as someone who betrayed him, and he’s right. That’s a downer for you, so you’re gonna peace out. On top of the betrayal (again, more than once), now you’re gonna tell HIM he just doesn’t do it for you?!? Sorry, it’s just selfish.February 17, 2021 at 4:41 pm #1030562FYIGuest
“I cheated multiple times, and he isn’t forgiving me fast enough, so it’s just not fulfilling for ME anymore.”
Yeesh.February 17, 2021 at 8:29 pm #1030566ronGuest
Yes, it is totally unrealistic to expect to be able to cheat on your husband with multiple men, insist upon keeping one of these guys as a friend, and expect your husband to forgive you. You have proven that you cannot be trusted with this other guy and it sounds like you are still involved in an emotional affair with him. If you would really prefer to be a friend to this guy than a friend and wife to your husband, then your marriage is over. There is no forgiveness without remorse, and you have no remorse. You didn’t tell your husband that you were cheating, you were caught. Now your argument is that what you have with this other guy is now just a platonic friendship. Your husband has every reason to call B.S. on this. He brings the issue up every few weeks? No, you bring it up more frequently than that every time you interact with this ‘friend’.February 17, 2021 at 11:25 pm #1030567
Thank you all for the comments and advice. Thank you for being blunt and honest, it is why I posted here. I needed to hear outside opinions and points of view. You provided me with things to think about. I obviously know what a horrible person I am for doing this, I really honestly do. I am aware of the fact that I am selfish, extremely, yes. I also know that I am hurting my husband almost intentionally by continuing to want a friendship with this other man. I am grown and I’m not oblivious. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by me, yet i don’t think I want to leave him either. I know I need him, I do, and I know he needs me. I am struggling, very much. This other man, though, he makes me question my marriage and question if I am certain I want to continue to work on things. This other man has become a best friend to me, thinking about cutting him out devastates me almost as much as the thought of leaving my husband. He is special to me, it is almost unbearable to imagine not having him around to talk to. And no, he does not tell me that i should leave my husband. That being said, I also know it isn’t helping and I have to make a choice. That choice is not proving to be easy. I had not ever been unfaithful to my husband since we met when I was 17. This was not supposed I meant to happen this way and now I can’t go back. I want to be happy again like it was before. I want the man I married back. I know all of the things being said about me are true, I am aware of how selfish I am being, very much so, I’m not stupid, just selfish. I would like to hear what is felt to be the best option for me from a nonbiased person. Please understand I know that this is not normal behavior and it is very much frowned upon in society. But I would like to hear an opinion from someone who can see my side a little bit more and suggest rational methods of continuing my life in a way that brings me the most joy.
Again, thank you for comments and adviceFebruary 18, 2021 at 8:22 am #1030580FYIGuest
We already told you what to do, but you pretend not to hear it — stop your emotional affair. It’s selfish and cruel. None of your issues will be solved by choosing one man or the other. That’s a fallacy. What you’re really trying to do is avoid pain — your OWN pain. You want to have it both ways, and marriage doesn’t work that way.
That’s what character IS — doing the right thing even when it’s hard.February 18, 2021 at 11:08 am #1030589anonymousseParticipant
You need to seek individual therapy. If you want your marriage, you have to stop talking to this other man. You just don’t like that option. You want your cake and to eat it, too. And that’s not possible. You have to choose. You can’t expect your husband to forgive you while you are still carrying on with the other man. He can’t move forward because you haven’t.
And if you’re deadlocked on not making a decision, either tell your husband exactly what is happening with this other man, and let him choose or stop fucking around with this other guy.
He’s not telling you to leave your husband because he doesn’t want you to leave your husband. He probably enjoys that he’s part of this drama and that you’re sneaking around and staying in contact with him, even though you know it hurts your husband. He enjoys the drama and thinking he can fuck a married woman. He doesn’t actually want a real relationship with you. He’s not a friend to you, either. If he was he’d be telling you to go back to your husband. He likes your attention.