Advice if I (23F) end my friendship with 25M with whom I emotionally cheated
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He is a startup founder and we met online during the pandemic when I was taking a session. We talked and built quite a good rapport. He then asked my help to apply to the business school I got into, which he needed since his grades were fucked thanks to the startup he was working on. So I asked him to write an essay about how he fought against his mom’s serious health scare but he still got rejected. I still feel really guilty about bringing up all that pain, but I thought maybe tapping into that pain would overcome his admit.Previously, I was also dating someone for the past 3 years. That relationship came with its own set of problems. My friend was also dating someone which turned out to be pretty toxic.
Long story short; I kind of emotionally cheated. I didn’t realise it a 100% at the time and raised multiple concerns that we were overstepping boundaries but he always said that we are just friends, although he’d always say flirty things like that I was a great girl and I shouldn’t date my ex, if we were together it would be amazing.For a while, I was attracted to him but I didn’t want to make an active move since he was still dating his ex. He would constantly take digs at my ex-, but I would always encourage the two of them to work out stuff together. Eventually, they did break up and he started dating someone new.
While we can definitely talk about a bunch of stuff, he sometimes drags my life choices as well- the choice to take a salaried job, that I am more studious. For instance- when he called me the night before an entrance exam and after consoling him, when I wanted to get back, he said that there was no point in academics. Another was when even after knowing I had some financial obligations, asked me to invest in his startup. His work ethic is also questionable to me. He keeps talking about the struggles of being a founder, but then can find the time to have regular 2-hour conversations over the phone.
But he considers me one of his best friends and when I finally broke up with my ex and lost almost all of my friend circle, he was consistently there for me. However, the stuff that I was uncomfortable with still continues.Recently, I started dating someone new, and he still said some flirty stuff to which I stood up and said that I would not do that to my new boyfriend. He said he understood and since then our conversation has been super muted.
I don’t feel like talking to him because I just feel like he doesn’t have that maturity and refuses to understand things from my POV. Plus, I know I’m being selfish, but it makes me uncomfortable that I emotionally cheated on my ex with him.
Have you met this guy in person or has this entire friendship been online?
Either way, it sounds like this is a friendship that has run its course. It doesn’t sound like you like him much as a person and feel he brings you down. You aren’t obligated to stay friends with him just because he was there for your during a difficult time.
Your guilt around how you treated your ex seems like a separate issue altogether. You could always book a few sessions with a therapist if that’s something you’re still struggling to make peace with (what sounds like) years later.
Confused Girlie —
You are way too hard on yourself. All I see is a tendency to stay in bad relationships for too long a time, after it’s clearly over. You kindof emotionally cheated in a way which didn’t really seem like emotional cheating at the time? Forgive yourself.
As for online dude, anyone can call themselves an entrepreneur. I had a paper route as a kid and the newspaper considered all of us to be self-employed contractors, responsible for the default of any customers the paper accepted a subscription from, who then chose to stiff us. I guess I was a young entrepreneur.
You said yourself, this guy displays no drive, which makes him a bad bet as a successful entrepreneur. Also, business schools love real entrepreneurs, so why would he need your help to get into business school? Sounds like he’s not the real deal. And… he pushed you to invest money you can’t spare into his company. Are you certain he isn’t just scamming you? Curious that someone who tries to convince you that academics are worthless and you’re too focused on your education wants into the business school you are attending.
You can stop talking to whoever you want, whenever you want, for whatever reason you want.
This seems like a very one-sided relationship to me, and not a very friendly one at that.
I feel like I missed the part where you emotionally cheated, so stop feeling bad about that.
Who cares if he says he considers you his best friend? You don’t like him and don’t owe anyone your time if you don’t want to give it to them. So stop and block him.
Have you met IRL?
I would really, really be more careful with how much information you share with people you’ve just recently met, “start up founders” who need help writing entrance applications and are just all around jerks to you, and are also asking you for money? This all sounds a little out there to me.
Yeah, where did you emotionally cheat? You can’t help if a guy flirts with you. Stop letting others make you feel indebted to them or that you somehow owe him help or favors.
