Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Advice on a friendship please

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  • #854056 Reply

    Me and my very close friends used to hang out all the time at school last year. I don’t know if she only hung out with me because she didn’t have any friends or because she wanted to. But this year, she reunited with one of her old friends and she started hanging out with her old friend and her old friend’s friends. She stopped having lunch with me. She only does sometimes when i ask her. What should i do? she still texts me everyday but doesn’t really hang out with me at school. By the way, we are like each other’s emotional support. She says she loves me and cares about me and texts me everyday but why doesn’t she hang out with me anymore? she was the only friend i had and now i’m lonely without her.

    #854057 Reply

    i sometimes try to distant myself but she always notices and tries to talk to me about it. i told her about how she only hangs out with her other friends. she said that she wanna get closer to them, that’s why. what should i do? should i end the friendship?

    #854059 Reply

    You don’t need to end it but you do need to accept that this is what you are going to get for now. You need to find more friends so that one person isn’t your everything. Try to find some kind of activity that you like to do. It could be at school but it doesn’t have to be. What do you like? What interests you? What is fun?

    Could she invite you to hang out with her while she is with the other friends? Why does it have to be just you or just them?

    If you are getting nothing out of the friendship you don’t have to be her emotional support. If it becomes more and more one-sided you don’t have to be there for her when she wants you.

    #854068 Reply

    She can have other friends besides you! You can do the same! It’s not healthy to have only one friend. Maybe you feel you need a lot of support, but do try to extend yourself to other people. You can still be friends with her, but when you have other friends too, then you don’t have to make one person into your rescuer.

    Stop looking at yourself as someone who is forlorn and needy. Look at yourself as someone who has a lot to offer others. Be a giver.

    #854078 Reply

    i don’t have the motive to make new friends. i just don’t feel motivated and i don’t think i’ll find a friend like her. i feel so left out and i think that deep down she cares about her other friends more

    #854080 Reply

    I don’t understand why you aren’t motivated to make new friends. I also can’t understand how you can conclude that you could never possibly make another friend as good as her. But… the real question is not whether you can make another friend as good as she used to be, the real question is whether you can make another friend as good as she is now. She is unlikely to go back to being as close as she once was, which sounds like it was focusing entirely upon you. You can’t go through life as a duo. Chances are you eventually move apart, for college, for jobs, for marriage. You should pursue interests which involve you with other people. That will make you a more interesting and positive person and likely lead to knew friends. Btw, her approach seems far healthier than yours. Have you tried joining up with her new friend group? Have you talked to her about this? You are trying to get her to walk through life with blinders on, so that she sees only you. That is not being a good friend.

    #854090 Reply

    LW, you will be much happier in life if you stop being possessive with your friend. There is no exclusivity with friends. Expand your friend’s circle. The more you depend on one friend, the less interesting you become as a friend. Nobody wants to be trapped in an co-dependent friendship. Don’t break the relationship, but don’t spend hours texting with her, start interacting with other people, have new activities, join a collective hobby.
    Teenagers often have fusional friendship with their narcissic double (as support of their ego), but they grow out of it while becoming adults. Perhaps your friend feels that she doesn’t need such an mirroring relationship anymore. And you will discover that you don’t need it either.

    #854133 Reply

    You need to find more friends. If you come across as too needy, she may start avoiding you.

    I get it that you’re missing the friendship you used to have. But it looks like she wants more than just being besties with one person. Give yourself a chance to find other friends. They just might expand your horizons a bit and you’ll be more interesting for your friend to hang out with.

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