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Advice on freeloading adult brother and mother

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  • This topic has 19 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarPhoebe.
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  • #1009123 Reply

    So this is a horribly long winded post but I would appreciate advice in this situation. It is a matter of what’s right morally (helping family) and what’s right for you (not being taken advantage of).

    I am a woman in my late 20s and I have a 3 bedroom house. It was just me. My mother and adult brother (19 at the time) were displaced a couple of years ago and other relatives of ours refused to allow them to live with them. So naturally I let them move in. They’re family about to face homelessness and I had plenty of space. A little backstory is my older brother and I moved from home as soon as we could because our mother is unbearable. Which is why other relatives wouldn’t take her in. But, I thought living with her might have mellowed through the years, despite her being hard to deal with in small doses. Me and my younger brother have always had a very close relationship. So this part was cooler for both of us. Anyways so they move in. My only rules for the house was “you mess it up, you clean it up, I’m not your maid”. And I am only one person and can’t sustain 2 extra people on my salary, so my brother had to get a job and pay a portion of the Bills, and pitch in with food where he could. Not rent or anything. My mother has absolutely refused to work. She is in her early 40s (had me very young) and claims “a woman of her age shouldn’t work” and that her children should take care of her (really now? Early 40s) and acts elderly. She is not disabled or anything. I thought whatever, I know how she is, she is just one person, don’t make a thing out of it.

    At first, all is reasonably well. My mother pitched in a bit with cooking and cleaning, brother got his job and did his part where I asked, but slowly but surely, it fell apart. Despite me working overtime constantly, mother no longer cooked or helped clean, just lounged around on her phone taking it easy all day as an able bodied adult. Brother lost his job because of sleeping at work, and from there on, he hasn’t held down a job longer than 2 weeks. Always severe negligence on his end.

    Fast forward to now. Brother is now 21 and same thing with jobs. He hasn’t paid a bill in months. The last time he pitched in months ago was $60 and he told me it was all he had. He proceeded to buy himself new electronic accessories and frivolous stuff. Excuse me? Bills come first. This sounds horribly mean, but it is an issue so I’ll say it; he eats me out of house and home and packed on about 40 lbs. Because he eats everything I put in the kitchen. After grocery shopping, any snack or soda is gone in 3 days. He uses my car quite often and has brought it back almost on an empty tank of gas, having me run out in the middle of the road before while trying to make it to a gas station. He has never put anything in it. Which, I don’t even freaking care, just don’t put me in a screwed up situation running out of gas on the side of the road! Almost everytime he borrows it he hits other cars, dings the side, hits railing, etc. So I finally got to the point, I’m just about done with him driving. Unless it is extremely important and I can’t chauffer him. Him and my mother run me down behind my back and say I’m acting funny with my car and f*uck me, the works! I explained the issue and they ran me down about how I’m the biggest b*tch in this world to anyone who would listen (how it got back to me). That is precisely why you have a 21 year old freeloading son, mother. Wonder where he got it from though. To top it all off, he doesn’t shower (which I somewhat regarded as not my business) but he freaking spits gobs of spit in my hardwood floor and walls! He never cleans his space either so the floor is sticky when you walk across it and stuff up the walls.

    Issues with mother are a serious lack of respect, calling me a b*tch in my house, running me down behind my back, flat out telling disgusting lies about me behind my back, not doing anything around the house even after making disgusting messes, refusing to get a job, you name it.

    I am now engaged and my fiance lives here, and he has been urging me to leave and find a place with him. My mother is highly disrespectful to him because he is very mild mannered and won’t say say back. My brother and him are (or were) on a very friendly level, but my fiance financially supporting him is frustrating him. My brother used to tell my fiance to step out of our car and let him drive until my fiance put his foot down. Again, just highly disrespectful things.

    I feel at my wits end. I’m sure I am even missing stuff. I don’t know if I should kick them out. I don’t want them to be homeless, but I have talked to them until I am blue in the face. When I vented these frustrations to my mother and I warned she is leaving me little choice but to ask her to leave if it doesn’t change, she has said she would bust all my windows and damage my property and contact my landlords (despite being a victim of a crime, I could be evicted, as per my lease), that she would attack me and put marks on herself and have me arrested, or take me to court to have her evicted (in my state if you pay Bill’s or receive mail at an address, the person has to formally have you evicted. Which of course she has never paid for anything and doesn’t receive mail at my house, I just don’t want it going through court. I would lose my home. Helping others!) And they’re running me down after all I’ve done for them? Absurd. Brother when he gets pissy about the car or something, nothing outside of sibling stuff, but it is offensive. My mother, you would pretty much believe she hated my guts with how bad she speaks about me (received screenshots from relatives), so why live with me? To use me? Am I in the wrong here? I’m not perfect to live with, but these things have been driving me up the wall. As it is, I would NEVER let another relative or friend live with me. Ever. It has done nothing but get me kicked in the teeth. As stated I was very close to my brother and I feel this has permanently damaged our relationship. I already had a strained relationship with my mother. As much as all this is I STILL don’t want them in the streets or displaced. But I don’t even feel like there is an end anymore. And I’m being threatened into opening my doors now. I feel so stupid. Advice on what to do PLEASE.

    #1009125 Reply

    I am so sorry that your mother is such a hard person to deal with. She is not the kind of mother you deserved to have. And I’m sorry you have to deal with this type of stressful situation.

    I would have a really hard time turning away family, but you are not responsible for your (early forties!) mother or your brother. You tried to help them, you did what you could but it’s gone bad. I would have given your brother a little bit of grace, but then I read the part that he’s actually spitting gobs of spit and mucus on your walls and floors. WTF!?!?

    You and your fiancé need to figure out how to get them out, or how to leave without getting sued or in trouble. Read your lease carefully. Consult an attorney if you have to. How long will it take them to pack up and leave? Is there anyone who would take them for a few days? You might have to have the local PD on speed dial for the day of issues and threats from your mother. I’m sorry.

    Therapy would probably be a good idea for you to get some help with your mom issues and might help you learn how to stand up for yourself a little easier.

    You’re not a bad person for kicking them out. They make it impossible to help when they do every single thing they can to fuck up their good fortune.

    #1009131 Reply

    To avoid the confrontation of eviction, you could move out at the end of the lease, and tell your mother and brother that they will have to find their own place to live when that time comes.

    #1009135 Reply

    Wow, this is really bad. You absolutely need to get out of there before you lose your fiance over this- because I can tell you the first time I stepped in my fiance’s adult brother’s pile of spit on the floor (oh. my. god.) would be my last day living there. It may help alleviate some of the guilt you’re feeling to think about it this way: it feels like you’re helping your mom and brother by “saving” them from homeless. But they are able bodies adults. What you’re doing is enabling them, shielding them from the natural consequences of their choices, and preventing your brother especially from launching into adulthood. It’s hurting them, not helping. I guarantee they’ll manage to hold a job or find a place to live once they’re forced to do so. They are not helpless, and treating them like they are is hurting all of you.

    How long until your current lease is up? If it’s still a good while then I’d look up the terms of your lease for terminating it early – the money you may owe to do that would be worth it. Then give your landlord the notice and tell your family afterwards that your lease is up on X date and they’ll need to make arrangements for another place to live. Your mom can threaten all she wants but there’s no arguing with a terminated lease. If she harms herself or threatens to harm herself then call for help and get her 302’d. You want to avoid eviction if at all possible, but listen to your fiance and get him and yourself out of that toxic situation. Also, please get some therapy- there’s a lot of (fairly common) dynamics here around enabling, seeking approval, obligation, and toxic family relationships that a counselor can really help you with.

    #1009144 Reply

    What everyone else said.

    I think you’re too close to it to see it, but your mom is a master manipulator and user. I don’t know what mental issues she has or if she’s abusive or what, but whatever is going on with her, you’re enabling her. She doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would ever be on the streets, she’d always figure out how to survive, or get someone to take care of her. You can see that the more you did for her, the worse she got. Because she could. And then you worked harder to compensate. That cycle will keep going for just as long as you let it. Your brother is a mini-her.

    You need to break the cycle by moving to a new place with just your fiancé (I guess? You barely mention him, and I’m side-eyeing him for putting up with all this). Normally I’d say give them notice, but you don’t want your mom sabotaging you.

    #1009146 Reply

    Yup. Move. Don’t invite them. Give them 60-90 days notice. That’s enough time for two normal adults who work to make enough money to get a cheap place to live.

    Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your shitty mother and lazy brother warm.

    #1009148 Reply

    What a hell of a situation! I would take an lawyer to proceed properly. I would also take seriously your mother’s threats to damage the house. This will probably take place, this is already taking place with your brother: do your best with legal advice to prevent it. Do take pictures of your place to document the present state when she is out.
    Meanwhile, I would stop all threats. Totally useless. Prepare yourself with legal advice and shut your mouth. Confiscate your car’s keys so that it is impossible for your brother to borrow it. And store your food in a closed room. Just ignore them till their eviction or till the end of the lease.
    But a lawyer will be more efficient than us for that. Check associations for renters. They are useful for such situations.
    Don’t synchronise with their game. Just treat them as flatmates who stopped paying their part of the bills.

    #1009157 Reply

    Yikes, this situation is quite the mess and I can see how and why you got yourself into it. Honestly? I am not at all sure what I would do now to get yourself out.

    I guess… Yeah, tell them that they need to move the fuck out. Give them a firm but realistic deadline. Like —- six months? Then stick to it.

    You have my sympathies. You sound like a nice person who got burned just trying to do the right thing. Your mother is younger than me and frankly? A fucking cunt. Sorry, but I cant’ imagine pulling the bullshit she is pulling on anyone… Much less my own kid.

    #1009158 Reply

    PS — I think your best option is to take your fiancé up on his offer. If that relationship is truly in a good place. You may have to sell the house. Which might not be the worst thing. The market is HIGH damn near everywhere.

    Cut your losses. And run. Oh, and make sure that wherever you settle next doesn’t have a guest room.

    #1009164 Reply

    BGM – one good thing in this shit situation is she’s renting the house. That makes this all much easier. It’s not clear from the letter if her mom and brother are even on the lease with her. That’s a double edged sword because she can simply notify her landlord she’s terminating the lease without their knowledge or input, but on the other hand if they spill the beans she could have an eviction on her record when her landlord finds out she’s violated the occupancy part of her lease, compounded by the fact that her permanent guests have been covering their walls and floors with phlegm for 2 years and have likely lost her her security deposit. Her best bet is to get out of her lease as quietly as possible and give her family as little notice as she reasonably can

    #1009165 Reply

    Hah. Somehow… I am distracted today and missed that in the last paragraph. Whoops.

    #1009168 Reply

    Thank you everyone for the advice. I have 6 months on the lease. So we are going to do everything advised, keeping the car keys on us, keeping stuff locked away, and just bide our time to avoid legal conflict. The reason for that is because it would be our word against hers. I mean, how many times a day does a court or landlord hear someone say “I didn’t hit her” or “she is a complete psycho making this up”? I would have had her removed long ago and filed a report had she said it on texts. I have even tried to record her say it, but she is keen on what I’m doing.

    I would break the lease like my fiance is advising, but I have excellent rental history and credit. I wouldn’t let them screw that up. I learned my lesson the hard way. This is why our other relatives didn’t allow them to stay with them. This is why they were put out from where they were staying before. It won’t happen again.

    And I guess it is silly I didn’t specify, but no they’re not on the lease. So to me, the best option is riding out the lease, because if she says it then, I am already moving and (fingers crossed) there wouldn’t be much they could do. It just really sucks because I loved my landlord and would have liked to be with them a long time. And I don’t want them dealing with that nonsense and damaged property because of all of this.

    I didn’t mention my fiance much because I didn’t think it was pertinent to the situation. But he has tried to have them removed and said I should just let her file a report, file mine, and let it be done. Let the chips fall where they may so we don’t have to put up with it. I didn’t want to deal with the headache of all that for reasons stated above, and we do need a place to stay until we are able to move. Definitely don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. But he is very displeased with this behavior. And he is also a very easygoing man that hates confrontation, so this is rough on him. I know it is out of pure love that he even stays until they are gone (we have been together for years and have a wonderful relationship), and I know I wouldn’t deal with it on his end. Crazy, right?

    I would very much like counseling when this is said and done. They won’t participate, but for myself. To heal from this.

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