Advice on friendship

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by BY14.
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  • BY14
    December 17, 2023 at 9:10 am #1127124

    This is a bit of a long one I’ve been at my current work place for nearly five years. My best friend also works there which can sometimes be a challenge. I’m in a senior position in this job the manager and my best friend get on well and she often gets rang 2/3 times a week from her which can sometimes lead to her finding info out before me despite my position. I feel a bit envious sometimes which I hate about myself but my best friend definitely takes advantage of me feeling like this as she likes to sort of rub it in their closeness. I want to continue to work at work but I can’t help but feeling like I can’t shift the envious feeling and it maybe comes from a place of insecurity like my friend will leave me or whatever. I thought I was also close to the manager but we’ve had work night ours before where they haven’t attended but rang everyone else to check how the nigt went but myself. Just wondering if anyone can help me move forward?

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    December 17, 2023 at 9:38 am #1127125

    I get your feelings. It’s easy to fall into a jealousy trap with friends. That said, it’s pointless and unhelpful. When these feelings creep up, try to remember some of these points:

    Other people’s relationships are not reflections of your relationships. What your friend does with boss doesn’t impact what you and your friend do together.

    Your boss is not your friend. Even if your friend is low key bragging about the relationship they have with the boss, this isn’t something to be proud of. It’s good to maintain a positive relationship with your supervisor, but it’s healthy to maintain professional boundaries.

    Exploring why you have a fear of your friend leaving you for someone else is a good thing, and could be aided by a good therapist.

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    BY14
    December 17, 2023 at 12:18 pm #1127128

    Thank you for your kind reply! I think what’s upsets me is I just don’t feel included and she changes when she’s around this manager as in winding people up more and showing off including myself.

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    BY14
    December 17, 2023 at 12:18 pm #1127129

    Thank you for your kind reply! I think what’s upsets me is I just don’t feel included and she changes when she’s around this manager as in winding people up more and showing off including myself.

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    December 17, 2023 at 2:07 pm #1127130

    A lot of people have a work persona, which may account for how your friend changes when she’s around the manager.

    I also took note of your fear that your friend will “leave you.” What does this even mean? Your friend is allowed to be close to multiple people at the same time. As are you! Do you have other close relationships? If not, is that why you’re so concerned with the interpersonal relationships of others at work? It also struck me that you feel your friend tries to make you jealous, which doesn’t sound like a good friend to me.

    Maybe the manager doesn’t ring you because they have more confidence in your ability and don’t feel as much of a need to check in?

    Work is work and it’s a great skill to learn to leave it behind as much as you are able when you go home at night.

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    Anonymousse
    December 17, 2023 at 3:49 pm #1127131

    I think you either need to expand your friendship circle and socialize with people you don’t work with or you should look for a new job.

    This is exactly why people put up those boundaries, so work doesn’t become some weird place where your best friend in a different department knows more about your next assignment and budget than you do (or whatever.) That manager is being inappropriate but you can’t even really complain because your best friend will tell your manager and you’ll get in trouble.

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    LisforLeslie
    December 18, 2023 at 6:49 am #1127132

    If you feel a loss of control here, there are two ways to address it.

    1. Talk to the manager, “sometimes when you are communicating to the team you are leaving me out. I know that can’t possibly be intentional, so I want to make sure that whatever group chat or distribution list includes the entire team.” You see how you’re calling out your boss’ behavior but giving boss and “out” – it’s totally not intentional right? – and asking boss to correct a mistake that keeps happening.

    2. Let your friend shine. You don’t have to praise your friend for doing their job, but you can reframe this situation. Your friend wants to feel special. Sure they want to feel special by making you feel small, so not great friend behavior. But manipulative me knows that in these situations, the best reaction you can have is either indifference “cool cool” or encouragement “That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” In a weird way a combination of indifference and praise will take some of the joy away from your “friend” and what is your friend going to do, get mad that you’re happy for them? “Thanks for letting me know, boss is always forgetting me so it’s great I can count on you to tell me what’s up.” “I know I can count on you friend to help me out.” “I’m so glad you and boss get along.”

    In the new year start looking for something else, you can only take so much before you crack.

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    BY14
    December 18, 2023 at 3:35 pm #1127148

    Thank you everyone for just your kind words and not judging but just been appreciative! Sometimes it’s hard not to show I’m upset but I do need to handle it better!

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