Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Advice on friendship

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  • #1100273 Reply

    I have this friend group and we all go to this place that opens on Fridays for sports. There are other people there. I play volleyball and so there is one really good net and other people from different schools have been using it. No matter if we were first in line they would use the net. And so today, we divided into teams but it became so confusing because their side wouldn’t switch/sub people out and so our side has too many people subbing that it became confusing. So I went and set up the broken net and we played but then people got angry because we had the bad net and they also didn’t get their positions that they wanted to play. I didn’t know what to do so I faked an injury three times just to ask if I could sit out and if certain people could sub in for me because they didn’t like their position. After that whole mess I went home. I tried getting all my friends together because one of my friend told me they didn’t have fun today and I wanted to change that. So I tried making a plan and have people in certain spots and my other friend counteracted my plan saying we don’t know who’s going and there are other school there too so we can’t make teams. It’s a good argument but I’m still kind of annoyed. Because all the time I spent into making a plan so it would be more organized went down the drain. She makes a good point but I can’t help feeling annoyed. I feel so stupid right now. If I can’t find a way to make it fun for my friend, they are going to quit going on Fridays. But I want to go and play with them because the only reason I go is to have fun with friends. I feel so stressed out right now. Any advice on how to deal with this situation? I just want to dig a hole and bury myself.

    #1100276 Reply

    I think you’re taking on way too much responsibility for other people and trying to control things you can’t control, and you’re actually *controlling*.

    I don’t know how to say this in a way that won’t sound harsh, but you can’t live life this way, getting sick with anxiety, faking injury, and getting angry when anyone disagrees with you – over something like where your friends want to hang out on Fridays.

    A mature, balanced, and well-adjusted person would be thinking about her friends and what they want, and be open to trying somewhere new if they’re having a bad time at their regular place. They’d want to hear their friends’ opinions and ideas. Right now, that’s not you. What’s important to you is going to this particular place, and you’ll manipulate, lie, plot, and shut down any conversation, to make it so your friends do what you want.

    You need to be able to back off, relax, and go with the flow a little more. Be open to what other people want. Accept that the universe has a plan and you can’t control everything, nor is it your responsibility to. It’s a relief to do that. If this sports place isn’t the right place for this group to hang out and have fun, a better solution will present itself. Embrace that.

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