October 21, 2020 at 12:10 pm #963499MarieGuest
Hi I wonder if anyone can help me. Basically I have lived with my parents in their council house nearly all my life. I am now in my 30s I work full time as a teacher. my mother died last year and then it was just me and my dad. It was a very tough and stressful time and I did my best to be company for my dad. My brother and sister didn’t put in any effort so it was only me. My dad had a stroke three months ago And is currently staying with my sister. My dad having the stroke really scared me because I saw my mother slowly become ill and pass away in this house and i don’t want to see my dad do the same. My dad is still Recovering and isn’t the same. He has to wear pads as he has bladder issues and is unable to go up and down the stairs with ease. I have voiced my concerns that it will be very hard for him to come back to his home as I am at work all day and will be unable to care for him. My sister who can afford not to work who also has a spare room hasn’t even mentioned to my dad about living with her, which I see as very Strange and unfair on both me and my father. I have said to my dad I will be unable to care for him and he hasnt taken it well and thinks I’m shoving him out of his home but I feel it’s my home too and I do have a say and rights as I pay rent here. My sister as been incredibly hurtful and unkind and hasn’t listened to me at all about my concerns. So basically I feel very lost. I Won’t be able to care for my father and it’s unfair on me to be left to do it. No one is thinking about me. Can any tell me what are my options? Is there any way we can give up this three bedroom council house and each get a place of our own? I would appreciate adviceOctober 21, 2020 at 1:55 pm #963504FYIGuest
“I have said to my dad I will be unable to care for him …”
Uh, my goodness. No, you don’t have to take care of your dad all by yourself, but could you have some compassion? He is probably more scared than he’s ever been, and even though you pay rent, it sounds like he’s been very helpful in letting you live there for so long.
Also not sure how you can say that your sister has not put in any effort, when he is currently STAYING IN HER HOME.
You sound very resistant to compromise, very ready to find fault, and very ready to lay blame. None of those attitudes is going to work in this situation, and it’s not what your dad deserves while he is ill. Now is not the time to be talking about your “rights.”
See an elder care specialist who can help in determining what is best for your dad, and what you and your sister and your brother are best situated to do for him. You aren’t going to get everything you want in this situation; you just aren’t.
Your poor dad.October 21, 2020 at 2:08 pm #963506MarieGuest
You clearly have the wrong impression of me. My sister was no where to be seen when my mother died and didn’t even visit him for weeks on end so don’t paint me as the selfish one. I looke. After my dad all by myself and now he is ill it’s too much. Clearly you have read this all wrong thanks but no thanks for you opinionOctober 21, 2020 at 3:06 pm #963507anonymousseParticipant
The only impression anyone is getting is from what you’ve written. It does sound pretty cold, the way you’ve written this.
It is very possible you are over your limit with grief and the care of your parents, and now your father. It’s okay to be tired of it all. It’s not okay to tell your dad you won’t take care of him anymore. You live in his flat, right?
You said your sister “can afford not to work.” How do you know that? So, she does indeed work?
Do your sister and brother have families?
You need to inquire what elder care your father is entitled to. You need to sit down with your siblings and discuss what your father will need. Maybe that will be him remaining in his flat, with nurse help during the day as well as you and your siblings take care of him. It doesn’t have to be you or no one, but it doesn’t also have to be all on your sister. What about your brother? What about help you might be entitled to?
If the council flat is in his name, what happens when he doesn’t live there anymore?
“No one is thinking about me.” Well, most people are concerned about their own lives and responsibilities just like you are.
Stop telling your dad you won’t be taking care of him. Realistically or not, no one wants to hear that at the end of their life. That can be very painful for him to hear.October 21, 2020 at 4:14 pm #963510Karebear1813Participant
Is LW in the US?
Assuming your in the US – your father and his adult children assisting with care need to check in with his medical insurance to see if he is approved for caregivers in his home. You could also see if there is a state program that assist with caregivers in the home as well. You could contact Adult Protective Services or go to your states .gov website for additional information for homemaker service/caregiver programs. You could also reach out to his PCP and the social workers to assist with these referrals to place in home health care called home health and homemaker services as well. Your father might require physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, nursing, and case management, etc and these services come to the home. Your dad could also pay for caregiving services.
That being said, the only rights you have to your fathers home is tenant rights, nothing else. NOTHING ELSE!!!!! Your father has a RIGHT to be residing in his home and has a right to refuse care!!! He had a stroke. He still has capacity which only a doctor can determine and competency to make his own decision which a judge determines. You don’t get to tell your father what to do. It’s his home, legally!!!!
October 21, 2020 at 4:20 pm #963512Karebear1813Participant
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Karebear1813.
Also noting that if your father has been physically declining they can put hospice in the home as well which is the end of life care.October 21, 2020 at 4:37 pm #963513HelenGuest
What you wrote sounded cold & uncaring, but also sounds like watching your mom die was traumatic. You’re going to have to come up with a plan for your dad all together. A plan that meets everyone’s needs, but mostly your dad’s. He’s at the end of his life so his priorities are top of the list. You might have to hire help. Get creative. Rotate care shifts. Consider your sibling’s lives & needs, do they have young kids? Then they aren’t as available as you might think. Ask your dad what he wants and really listen. Just because he let you live in his house till your 30’s doesn’t mean he’s obligated to continue to let you live thereOctober 21, 2020 at 4:50 pm #963514anonymousseParticipant
I assume council house means UK.October 21, 2020 at 5:14 pm #963515ronGuest
She sounds less cold than overwhelmed. Her father sounds like he needs almost continuous care and she needs to work. She has a brother, who hasn’t helped at all and a siser, who has just begun to help and seems to want to pass the baton 100% back to LW. She knows she can’t do this alone. That isn’t cold, that is frustrated and backed against a wall.October 21, 2020 at 6:22 pm #963518HeatherlyGuest
Ok, as someone who cared for parent until their last breath in the home in UK- I think this LW is overwhelmed and scared of having to do it again. It’s not a welcoming prospect. And this before the incompetence & cruelty of the UK’s in face of pandemic. It’s v common for only 1 member of family to step up for doing this & that person wants to take a break or just can’t, the rest of family pile on the guilt but generally hope to return to how it was before. Easier to them. Definitely happened in my case too.
Hey Marie, So it’s time to get your council’s social services for Adults involved in care for your dad. Everyone has pot of money that’s dedicated for this, and after a certain point it’s means tested ( probably not something you need worry about- as it’s about your dad’s income & not yours) but it’s time for you & your family to get them involved. It can vary whether it’s carers coming in the home and / or him eventually going a care home( but with ppl dying there because of Covid it may not be what you all want). Also do you or any of the siblings have the two power of attorney ‘s ( for cash & health) ? It may not be something you have because you dad sounds like he’s not suffering mentally, but whatever discussions you have with the social workers & your family, it’s time to get on to it asap. None of these things are fun, but it’s necessary. Your dad may not be happy with any of it, but he needs some care and if you can’t provide it then something will need to be done. Also not for nothing, but have a look st sorting out a living will ( it’s v easy to find info on it in internet & some uk charities have form to set it up on their website. It’s not about £, but hospital/in home treatment in case of near death what you father will want done. For example, if he’d like to refuse being kept on ventilator etc. )
I can’t advise about the council house because I haven’t lived in one -it’s something to discuss with in an appointment with the Citizen Advice Bureau( via their website)October 21, 2020 at 6:29 pm #963519HeatherlyGuest
Oh & here here a website to help start you out to give you an idea. But you’ll certainly need to look at wherever you live’s own council website for the social services contract detail:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/October 22, 2020 at 2:58 am #963525HazelParticipant
Agree with everything Heatherly said re how to go forward.Another thing to consider is if it is possible to have changes made to your Dad’s house before he comes home, move rooms downstairs etc. The care team will probably bring you a mass of equipment to assist such as commodes etc. Pre covid your Dad would have been able to get one or two personal care visits a day from the NHS but I’ve no idea if they are managing to keep up with this just now. You should qualify for a fair bit of help though. If this is just going to be impossible for you, or you can’t get enough help, It might be worth looking out now for a good care facility- one of those with small independent units but with a residential care team on hand.Depending where you are, there are some very good places but they tend to have massive waiting lists so if you and your Dad think that might be a path you want to go down then get on that list right now, you can always give up the place if it turns out you are managing in your current house.You and your Dad have my sympathy this is a hard place to be in and can be utterly overwhelming especially after everything you went through with your Mum.