October 22, 2020 at 3:39 am #963531HazelParticipant
btw. in the UK Council house tenancy passes from parent to offspring if they have lived there for more than a year, and have signed a co tenancy agreement, so LW does have rights to her father’s council house. All this is about to change very soon though I believe as our current government are Tories.LW, I expect you are aware of this but if not the people Heatherly suggested above will help you regarding that.
October 22, 2020 at 7:59 am #963547briseGuest
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Hazel. Reason: miss-spelt Heatherly's name :)
Sorry about the loss of your mother and your father’s condition. I think that you are too caught in a defensive position – induced by previous trauma and by conflicts with your siblings – to address the situation rationally. It is clearly a risk, if you stay at your parents’ place as an adult, to become automatically their carer later when they become ill – an interesting default solution for the siblings who took their own flat. I understand your refusal of this assumption. BUt then, you can’t expect your father to switch from his place to someone else’s, or other people to take the full charge of his care. By the way, your sister did step up now – but in a conflictual way, it seems.
So you have some options, with additional help from the social services: your father can stay where he is, and you do help there with his care on the week-ends; or your father comes back home and your siblings do help on a schedule that you establish together; or you move out, take an appartment for yourself (why not?), let your father come back to his place in an adapted environment, and you all organise a schedule for his care with social services and your siblings; or he moves to an assisted facility.
What I wouldn’t do is to assume that you have a “right” not to care for your father and to state so: this is not ok. Don’t you see it? Or to assign all his care to your sister: not ok either.
For while, as long as he recovers, I would, in a common move with your siblings, see what you can get in help from social service. Then you explore all options, compare its pro and cons, and discuss how you could distribute the siblings’ contributions to his care for all options. It can be a rotation. So don’t get trapped in being his sole carer, but you don’t disappear either while just passing the problem to someone else.
About your living place and last question: yes, why don’t you get out and take your own appartment? Do you want to live there, in your parents councils house, later? Why? Because you like it, or by default? Are you so attached to this place? Or is it linked to heavy memories (it looks like it?) Is it for money reasons (low rent) that you stay? With a full income, you should have some choice. Think of it quietly, as a life prospect for you, in a rational manner, not out of spite or to escape any care for your father.
It is difficult indeed, but if you require a thorough discussion with your siblings where everybody accepts to give help, in good faith, you should be able to progress. Don’t stay with your father on a hurt: that is terrible. Good luck!October 22, 2020 at 8:00 am #963548Karebear1813Participant
I agree LW sounds overwhelmed and frustrated. She has a right to her feelings.
Heatherly and Hazel, I think you have given great advise and are very familiar with UK services. I assumed LW might have been American and gave mine based on how America works.October 22, 2020 at 8:26 am #963551briseGuest
If it can help, LW, a similar situation in my in-law family reached to this solution: the elderly person requiring round-the-clock care stayed at their place and a schedule was been planned for each sibling to spend such and such days and night per week there, or their spouse, or to pay for hiring help on “their” days. This could be explored. This is probably the most equalitarian organisation.
I don’t know if rotating your father’s place every week or fortnight or month between your three houses could also be a solution – if your father could adapt to it. It is easier to give care when it is not all the time.
Adapted facility could be the long-term solution – after the pandemic!October 22, 2020 at 4:37 pm #963565JillGuest
I’m a Registered Nurse, and I think the LW is experiencing caregiver stress/burnout and grief.
I don’t understand why so many imply that her father is at the end of his life. A stroke is not necessarily some sort of death sentence. A person can recover after a stroke, depending on how severe it was and what kind of rehabiliation is given. He is three months post-stroke and experiencing some very common symptoms, like difficulty walking and urinary incontinence. Has your father been getting any rehabilitation? Does he have any follow-up appointments with his doctor, physiotherapist or occupational therapist? Did he get a training program from a physiotherapist and/or occupational therapist before he was discharged from the hospital?
I understand that you are concerned about how he will manage in his home by himself while you are at work, especially if there are stairs that he can’t manage. You can support him in other ways though, it is a lot for him to manage, his brain is not functioning like it used to. Help advocate for him to get the care that he needs. If he doesn’t have a training program, find out how to get him one, so that he can be strengthening his muscles. Perhaps he will be able to use stairs again! Perhaps he could get a urinary catheter, and retrain his bladder so that he can be continent again. He might need someone to make doctor appointments for him and accompany him. It is common to develop depression after a stroke, perhaps he could take an antidepressant. It is difficult to be motivated to rehabilitate while dealing with depression. Does he have difficulty swallowing? He could benefit from contact with a dietician, and maybe a nutritional supplement. Does he have speech difficulties? There are speech pathlogists. In summary, he is three months post-stroke, his brain has the potential to recover to some extent. Help him access resources, you certainly cannot and should not take care of him all by yourself!October 22, 2020 at 5:12 pm #963566JillGuest
I assume you are in the UK. I’m not from there, but here’s a place to start in case you are feeling lost:October 23, 2020 at 2:24 pm #963588HazelParticipant
Jill, you are so right. I was kind of jumping the gun because of personal experience.(involving further complications) There is potentially so much help out there, and the possibility of rehabilitation after a stroke, whether residential or outsourced, is invaluable,– many people do regain so much independence with the right help.