Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Advice on something that’s probably a really stupid dilemma…. please
- This topic has 72 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymousse.
So about a week ago, I dropped out of basic training for health reasons. I was absolutely gutted about it, because it has been my dream to join the army, but what made it worse was that I think I developed a massive crush on one of my Corporals. Im probably never ever gonna see her again in the civvy world and would obviously have to move on. But knowing that, I really want to see her again one last time before I let go. Because, God! I would give anything to see her smile again and listen to her voice. I think about her 24/7 since I left. BUT! On the other hand, would it be better not to, because it might get weird and cringy and she could say no.
So I wanna see her but on the other hand I don’t wanna delay the inevitable hurt knowing we’ll never cross paths again (like what’s the point of trying to see her again).
Also im a coward. If people tell me to grow some balls and just ask, I will. But if people tell me, that wouldn’t be appropriate, I won’t.
Well, if you are never going to see her again, if she says no, then I don’t see the risk. If I’m ready this correctly, you aren’t in the army anymore, so it’s not like she is still your superior. You are a civilian now.
If you want to see her, ask. The worst thing that could happen is she says no, and that won’t kill you.
That said, you need to stop building this up in your head. You risk building up a false image of her the more you apparent, which isn’t fair on her because she probably won’t be able to live up to it. And if you do decide to meet, you need to go in there with EXTREMELY low expectations. It sounds like you don’t think your feelings are reciprocated, so don’t expect them to be. The purpose of the meeting is to get closure, so get it, and whatever else happens, happens.
If you can’t lower your expectations, then you flat out just shouldn’t go because you are going to get hurt.
Don’t go bugging a woman who’s working. I promise you, this woman is just doing her job and wants nothing to do with trainees, former trainees, whatever. Move on.
You don’t know this woman at all. You like her looks, her smile, her voice. I’m not against dating a co-worker or ex-coworker, but it needs to be someone you’ve established a close relationship with, you hang out outside of work, etc. Listen up, women are not there for dating, they’re there to make a living. It’s not appropriate to ask them out.
Also, the worst that can happen is you annoy and disrespect her and put her in an awkward position.WhyDoWeExist?Guest
Apologies. I read this as he did have form some kind of close bond with her. If she is just a random. You are right.
Men write in here regularly about some woman in the workplace who has a nice smile and they want to ask her out. My answer is always, that’s inappropriate, she’s there for a paycheck, she’s a captive audience, she’s literally paid to be nice and pleasant.
Is it actually inappropriate from an HR perspective to ask someone out, especially if you don’t work there anymore? No, if you do it once and take no for an answer, it’s not considered harassment, it’s just… don’t do it.
My mom’s last job before she retired was in HR for a nonprofit. She’s actually been doing it again for several months temporarily until they get the new person hired and in place. She tells me stories about these men she has to speak to because they passed someone a note that says some shit like, you have a beautiful smile, would you like to get coffee? Or, one guy friended a woman on FB and was looking at her pics and messaging her late at night. He said something at work to her like, it’s so hard for me to be in the same room with you after seeing your FB pictures (which were probably beach pics or something). In both cases, HR had to get involved. I don’t think either of them
got fired, but they were dealt with. The guy who told me he wanted to see me dance on a pole years ago wasn’t fired either, but was strongly reprimanded. Anyway, that’s a tangent, but don’t ask out women you’re not already friends with and doing stuff outside of work, and you’re not in a relationship and neither is she.WhyDoWeExistGuest
“Anyway, that’s a tangent, but don’t ask out women you’re not already friends with and doing stuff outside of work, and you’re not in a relationship, and neither is she.”
Sorry, this sentence is convoluted.
Do you mean?
1. A man shouldn’t ask out women they are not already friends with and aren’t already doing stuff outside of work with.
2. That both parties should be single?
If so, that is good advice. Otherwise, I’m confused. Could you possibly elaborate, please? I’m sure LW is also a little perplexed.KateGuest
This is perplexing, really?
Don’t ask women out at their place of work. Period.
Don’t cold ask out a co-worker or ex-co-worker. It’s sometimes all right to date co-workers if they’re in a different department and not in the same chain of command, but you shouldn’t be asking them on a date unless an organic relationship has already developed, you’re already doing things outside of work together, AND you’re both single. Same goes for ex coworkers. Don’t ask them out unless you already have a relationship outside of work where you like each other and choose to do social things together.
I mean, yeah, it may seem obvious to you, don’t ask someone out if you’re not both single. But. You’d have to know someone a bit beyond a crush from afar to know they’re not seeing someone, right? Work isn’t a dating app, you can’t assume they’re available and want to be asked out. You need to know them on a personal level. Also, at least one of these dipshits my mom had to reprimand in the past few months, was married. A lot of married military people are hooking up.
Topic change: women in the military are already eating a lot of shit when it comes to harassment and worse. They’re meant to put up with it in the name of being a close knit team. They aren’t even protected the way I am by HR.AnonymousseGuest
Please don’t say anything. Women at work in male dominated spaces are constantly harassed and hit up for dates or god knows what else. I have never worked in a male dominated space, just at a place with some men and I was constantly asked out for dates. Lord help me if I smiled ever.
And sure, maybe you think getting asked out is flattering, but when it’s constant or you’ve been subject to other treatment, it can feel like harassment. Women do not go to work to be told they have a beautiful smile or asked out. Save that for an appropriate venue, which I’d almost never your place of work (or hers.) And you don’t even know her or if she’s single or even interested in you. Listen to everything Kate wrote.KateGuest
Right and it’s probably not flattering, just uncomfortable. I’m flattered if I get a compliment on my appearance from a female co-worker, or if anyone compliments my work.
We recently, briefly, had a guy on our team who said to a few of us that he loved how we were always smiling. Blech.KateGuest
Actually, a woman on a zoom call the other day, from another department, told my female co-worker she has a beautiful smile, and it was weird and uncomfortable.