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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Advice on something that’s probably a really stupid dilemma…. please

Home Forums Advice & Chat Advice on something that’s probably a really stupid dilemma…. please

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 73 total)
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  • #1115650 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I work in a male dominated industry and yes to what these two are saying. My company hosts conferences and (pre-COVID) had fairly regular industry leader events that I sometimes went to. I’ve had men ask me out, ask for my number, tell me to smile, give me weird compliments, and even touch me (nothing gross, but weird/unwanted/unnecessary). One time this older guy, who is widely known to be kinda gross, ended up telling me about how he loved to rip women’s stockings off…? None of these were coworkers, but I still work with them and it’s not appropriate. I’m at these events making small talk and being pleasant and charming because it’s my job. Leave women alone at work.

    The relationships I’ve seen take off at work have all grown very naturally. You don’t seem to know this woman at all, LW, yet are obsessed with her and seeing her again. IMO this has no legs. The odds that this woman will be anything but uncomfortable and embarrassed if you reach out are astronomically low.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    #1115652 Reply
    bloodymediocrity
    Participant

    Really just want to second @Kate’s advice. Don’t just up and ask out a co-worker first. If you really must, get to know them first, figure out if they are single and test for interest. Like Kate said, work isn’t there for dating. It can happen, sure, but it’s gotta be something done slow and carefully. Don’t just ask someone out because they smiled at you. That doesn’t mean anything.

    #1115653 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    “ None of these were coworkers, but I still work with them and it’s not appropriate.”

    I literally just took the annual harassment training, and people you encounter at work, even if not your coworkers, fall under the same policy, and your company needs to handle it. If a person from your company in any position of management witnessed this shit, they should have reported it to HR, it was their obligation. I know that’s probably not what you wanted at the time, just saying. As a ppl manager now, if I saw something like that and didn’t report it, I’d be in violation.

    #1115654 Reply
    AlaniKelso
    Participant

    I wasn’t really planning on anything weird or touching her in any inappropriate manner. Besides if I did that, she’s pretty capable of putting me in my place. VERY CAPABLE. Not that i would. I regard with her all my respect. All I wanted was to ask her out to hang out as friends (because there’s no way she could see me as anything but a lowly recruit). The reason why I think she MIGHT agree to grant my wish to see her one last time was bc she has done something similar before I left camp, but then I could just be over analyzing it.


    @Kate
    , you’re right. Im just gonna let go. Im sure this is nothing but hero worship, she just so happens to have captivated me in more ways than one. Thanks for your advice guys! 🙂

    #1115655 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    “She MIGHT grant my wish.”

    Yes, very cringey. Super uncomfy vibes.

    That’s why it’s inappropriate, because of your crush. If you respect her do just treat her as you would ANY male corporal.

    #1115661 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    I don’t see what authority my HR would have over non-employees. I know our general counsel has had to get involved in some issues before, but to my knowledge it’s been rare. We work with lawyers and law firms, people know this stuff isn’t okay, but there are a lot of older men who can’t seem to get with the times and it doesn’t help that alcohol is often free flowing. We only started doing harassment training at work less than two years ago… this is the only company I’ve ever been at that didn’t make it mandatory within, like, 30 days of being hired. We have one HR woman and TBH, IDK how that woman has her job, I’ve had to be REALLY proactive with anything involving her. I’d actually love a front-row seat to her trying to handle something, ha.

    LW, what did she do before you left camp and are you sure it was her wanting to see you one last time and not some standard gesture of farewell? (Like whatever the equivalent of a farewell drink might be.)

    #1115664 Reply
    AlaniKelso
    Participant

    Ok this is getting out of hand. Im getting lectures talking about harassment! My only question was: would it be worth seeing her one last time (as a friend, nothing expected) or just cut the cord. I understand that it naay sound creepy/ cringey/ whatever bc of how she used to be my Cpl and I as a recruit. And that people shouldn’t ask other people out in the workplace unless they already have some sort of relationship (albeit platonic) outside of the said workplace. But that’s kinda the catch 22 here guys. How can I do that if I don’t ask her to hang out? But I digress. I’ve already decided to just get over it. Because, no matter how I try to go about it, you guys are right. She’s probably too busy and she doesn’t need someone like me bothering her. I’ve already let go of my dream of being in the army, I’m sure this one won’t hurt as much.

    #1115665 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, the opportunity has passed. People who work together for a while establish a rapport, then a friendly relationship. People go out for lunch or drinks. Two people may particularly hit it off and eventually start dating.

    You were there for too short a time to get to know anyone like that. If you ask her to hang out now, it’s a date. It’s a cold ask. While, again, that’s not forbidden, it’s awkward.

    #1115666 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    It’s not a catch 22. You should generally have a strong presumption that you don’t date or ask out people from work. Every once and a while two people who have developed a very good platonic rapport may end up dating but you should always tread with extreme care.

    #1115669 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Just because you have “in your pants feelings” for her smile does not mean it will ever be appropriate for you to express that.

    Keep your private life and your work/professional life separate.

    When you don’t, and you cold ask someone out, it announces that you don’t understand social mores at work. Work is not the place women go to be ogled, asked out, etc. Men should not being going t8 work looking for a date. Work. Train. That’s what you’re there for. It’s not school anymore.

    There’s no catch 22. If there were platonic hangouts and group hangouts, you could have built up a relationship, more of a friendship, I mean. But as it sounds, from what little you’ve written, you know very little about her, and that, tied with her being your superior makes it off and awkward.

    You used the word cringey and I repeated and agreed. Women get this stuff ALL THE TIME. Your pants feelings might feel special, but I can assure you a boy asking her out at work is probably nothing new. Be the guy who respected her as a human in her professional role and didn’t break the boundary.

    #1115670 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    There was a time when people maybe dated at work in part because weren’t many places as an adult where someone could meet a partner. But it’s 20222. There are a zillion ways to meet people. Create a tinder account or whatever the kids are doing.

    #1115675 Reply
    AlaniKelso
    Participant

    guys, I already said I’m gonna drop it but apparently you like to kick someone who’s already down. Do you like doing that to people? or just me in particular?

    Ok first of all, it is a catch 22 for me. i did not mean in general. @Kate is correct, the time to get to know her has come and gone. but unfortunately, not many people know what goes on in basic training. we barely have free time and we dont get to keep our phones. i cannot actually just talk casually with her when she’s on duty.

    second, my intent to see her was not because i wanted to get into her pants. you may not believe it, was just to spend time with her. and yes, now i realised that its not the best resort, that was why i said i was gonna let go.

    third of all, tinder? i like her. do you think some random guy/ girl on the internet is gonna easily replace her? i genuinely like her as a person. and just because i said i like her smile doesnt mean my feelings are superficial. a milion other people cannot replace her. they are not her.

    i came here to get help, ok? not to be told off like im some kind of pervert. im sorry i asked. i regret asking.

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