Advice re partners ex

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  • Hilly
    April 18, 2023 at 11:18 am #1119710

    I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now; we are both 32, he was previously with a girl around 5 years younger for 3 years that ended 5 years ago, she was not nice to him and it came out in the end that she cheated. She is younger really fit and pretty and I have a bit of an insecurity when it comes to her, I feel like he would’ve happily stayed with her if she didn’t treat him badly. We seen her in public yesterday and she tried to say hi to him and he kept his head down (unsure if he would’ve spoken to her if I wasn’t there) but I asked him numerous times to wait on me outside (away from her) and he said no / am I right to be mad about this or am I just crazy jealous? He said he thought it would’ve looked like he was running away or abandoning me when he had no reason to but I felt like he wanted to be seen or see her, I know (from snooping, we all do it) that he’s searched her on social media before and right at the start of our relationship he would tell me stories about her when he was drunk (but then would say he was only talking about her to compare how shit that relationship was to our great one) rambling I know but I need advice ….

    April 18, 2023 at 12:42 pm #1119711

    This relationship ended 5 years ago. They were 19 and 24 when they met. He hasn’t done anything as far as I can tell to make you think he would want to be with her. It’s common and meaningless to search your exes to see what they’re up to. I guess talking about someone when drunk could indicate they might not be over that person, but not necessarily. It sounds like he had some trauma from that relationship that he needed to work through, and sure, I can see him being like, wow, this new relationship feels so much better than that previous one.

    And yes it is crazy jealous and also inappropriate to ask him to wait outside so he won’t be in close proximity to her. That’s very controlling and weird.

    I think this sounds like you need to work on your confidence.

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    April 18, 2023 at 1:16 pm #1119712

    You sound very insecure. We can’t help what we feel, so if you feel a surge of jealousy come on, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean you should act on the jealousy. Asking him to wait outside was uncalled for. Both looking an ex up online or even talking about them could be within the realm of normal, but I think that’d depend on the frequency of the behavior. Also, not everyone snoops — I have never.

    I would’ve happily stayed with the guy I dated from 26-28 if he hadn’t cheated one me. But, he did cheat on me! That changed everything! I’m years removed from that now and it can still feel sad that our relationship ended how it did, but I have no regrets that we’re not together anymore. I doubt your boyfriend thinks of his cheating ex-girlfriend from five years ago as the one who got away.

    Take the energy you spend focusing on your boyfriend’s ex’s age, fitness, and beauty and use it to do the things in life that make you feel healthy, beautiful, and confident.

    April 18, 2023 at 7:55 pm #1119713

    Yeah, you sound a bit crazy jealous about her. It would’ve looked weird if he hid from her.

    It’s sad that you snoop on him to the point of looking at who he searches for in his social media accounts, Like, yow. That’s a new level of suspicion I’ve not heard of before. Snooping like that, not trusting your partner of years like that…is worse than anything he’s done here, IMO.

    That’s not cool. People do still deserve privacy in relationships.

    You are insecure. You are jealous. You have low self esteem.

    He’s with you. He chooses you, every single day. Don’t make his life a paranoid living hell or he’ll maybe make a different choice.

    Do you like being with him? Then enjoy it, and stop snooping.

    April 18, 2023 at 7:59 pm #1119714

    Yeah, we all DO NOT snoop. Some of us trust our partners. I have no reason to snoop. If I felt the need to snoop, I would have a conversation with my partner about my feelings.

    In my opinion, the level of snoopery you’ve gone to is off the charts out of bounds in a relationship. If you think that’s normal, you need to recalibrate what you think is normal. It is not normal to check up on and control your partner.

    April 18, 2023 at 9:02 pm #1119715

    I echo others and think you’re crazy jealous. It’s weird that you didn’t want him in close proximity to her and wanted him to go outside. You were in a public place.

    I’ll also echo others and say snooping isn’t normal or healthy.

    I’ve snooped twice in my life. One time, I was being super insecure. He gave me zero reasons to feel insecure. I just was. And I was young. The second time, it was because it was a bad relationship that I should have gotten out of much, much sooner than I did. Therapy helped with that one. A lot.

    My husband, I’ve never snooped. I don’t know his passwords. He has female friends that he hangs with. It’s all good.

    You haven’t mentioned any reason that he’d make you feel insecure. From my experience, there’s definitely a difference between being super jealous and real cause. You should work on it so you can have a solid, happy relationship.

    April 19, 2023 at 5:29 am #1119716

    Crazy jealous – yes absolutely.

    The relationship ended because she cheated on him. Had she been a good person and a good girlfriend then yes, they would have likely stayed together. It’s pretty normal that if people treat you well and make you happy, then you stay together.

    So stop being a bad girlfriend. Stop trying to control him. If you continue down this path, he will likely get fed up and leave. Jealousy is not pretty.

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    April 19, 2023 at 7:52 am #1119717

    Sorry to pile on, but I agree with the others that your behavior here is weird. You sound insecure, jealous, and controlling. Nothing you said indicates any reason to believe your boyfriend still has feelings for this ex from years ago who cheated on him (even if she happens to be pretty and fit, geez). Also, not everyone snoops. I’ve been with my husband 17 years and have never snooped. When you’re confident in yourself and your relationship, there’s not a temptation to snoop.

    April 19, 2023 at 5:47 pm #1119725

    I’m sorry for my tone earlier, rereading, I sound really harsh. I stand by what 8 say, but I am sorry for the way I said it.

    Why don’t you trust him enough not to snoop?

    Is it because of his actions, or a past relationship?

    Avatar photo
    April 20, 2023 at 10:01 am #1119750

    So, I’d feel insecure if the new guy I’m dating talked to me often about his ex from two years ago (drunk or not). But if that happened and I took it as a sign he still had feelings for her, I’d have ended things rather than staying in a relationship that made me act on my insecurities for years.

    One guy I went on a few dates with probably 6-7 years ago brought up his ex on our dates. Ultimately decided not to see him again over it. Probably a few years later, FB suggested him as a friend and I clicked his profile cause I was curious. He was smart, nice, funny… I’d generally liked him. He’d gotten back together with the ex he kept bringing up. They’d gotten married.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Avatar photoCopa.
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Advice re partners ex

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