Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

After cheating…

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice After cheating…

This topic contains 123 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 124 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #852335

    I didn’t tell you to divorce him.

    I don’t think you’re happy.
    I don’t think he’s happy.
    And your kids are most likely beating the brunt of this.

    #852336

    So, he didn’t tell you. You found out on your own after he stormed out, and probably made a scene. Do you really think this is the best thing for your children?

    If you truly believe he was suicidal, he needs to see a doctor and get a diagnosis or a therapist.

    Your “special love” is not going to fix him. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, it’s been ten years and this is not your fight. He has to want to change and do better, and you’ve written nothing that suggests that is what he wants.

    #852337
    avatar
    FYI

    Okay, my goodness, I’m going to listen to and respect what the LW is saying. Lurker has said she wants to try to stay in this marriage. She has said she has a game plan. None of us know, from brief comments on the internet, what exactly is going on inside someone’s marriage, let alone whether someone has a diagnosable mental illness.

    Good luck, Lurker, with your conversation tomorrow night.

    #852338
    avatar
    lurker101
    Participant

    Your “special love” is not going to fix him. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, it’s been ten years and this is not your fight. He has to want to change and do better, and you’ve written nothing that suggests that is what he wants.

    Thank you FYI for understanding.
    I’m sorry but some people are really judgemental. I can’t tell you all the details/facts in a few sentences. I found out Tuesday and I spent weds and part of Thurs getting mad and upset. We talked for hours on Thurday and Friday he had to be at the base so no we didn’t really get a chance to come up with anything concrete and that’s why I’m seeking advice to see what we can do to try to save our marriage. Please respect that.

    #852339
    avatar
    lurker101
    Participant

    And no he didn’t want to go but I want him gone the weekend so I can think and decide what I want to do. And I told him not to think too much and we will talk when he comes back since I don’t want to be responsible if he accidentally shoot himself if he’s thinking about our situation.

    #852341
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I killed at my improv show. Funny how that can happen. Strange. The worse I feel, the easier it is to make everybody laugh. Comedy is so confusing.

    Talk to your husband.

    Your last crack about him accidentally shooting himself is both jarring and alarming to read. If you truly think/fear he might somehow shoot himself — you need to do an intervention. Seriously.

    #852345
    avatar
    brise

    LW, two thinks that strikes me reading your posts:
    – you both would be far better off if you went to some parents therapy with your challenging child. Ask the school or your pediatrist what they can propose. A few hours already can give a tremendous help to the family dynamics. Sometimes, parents get stuck and don’t see what is the real problem and how to address it. Trust the professionals, they will help you. This could also help you and your husband to invest again in the family in a positive way.

    – your husband seems to go through a personal crisis but to me, he also seems in love, desperately in love. He is torn – that is my guess. But you know, this could be the expression of his personal crisis or difficulty to adjust to his life and his responsibilities, or more generally of his own vulnerabilities which are triggered when challenged by stressors.

    – For a depressed person, to work as a trader at home seems to me a bad choice. Isolation and stress: that is what comes to my mind. He would be happier in a more social work place. By the way, he is probably dissatisfied about himself.

    Perhaps you can go through this crisis but not without extern help.I think your choice to give it a year seems reasonable, as long as you both seek help on many levels.

    #852346
    Lucidity
    Lucidity

    I agree with BGM’s last point. This disturbed me too: “He’s there for some shooting exercise so I don’t want to distract him because he had an accident before when he was worry about something else.”

    How sure are you that that incident was an accident? When my mom was battling depression, she had a few “accidents” that were actually suicide attempts. At first they were passable as accidents because of how half-hearted they were, but as she went from experimenting to being serious about dying, they grew more and more life-threatening.

    I’m sorry if this scares you, but if you truly think he’s depressed or that he could shoot himself because of his emotional state, take it seriously. Insist he see his doctor.

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and with his infidelity. That’s very painful. Remember that depression is not an excuse for cheating – you have two separate issues here.

    #852347
    avatar
    lurker101
    Participant

    I seriously don’t think he will do it purposely. He’s dealing with live rounds and when you’re in an emotional state or distracted, accidents can happen. Same as driving a car. I think alot of commenters think I’m too easy on him but I don’t want to have that extra burden of being responsible for him getting hurt/kill. That’s why I told him to just do his thing and we will talk after he gets back. And I need time for myself to think rationally when I’m calm.

    #852348
    avatar
    lurker101
    Participant

    – For a depressed person, to work as a trader at home seems to me a bad choice. Isolation and stress: that is what comes to my mind. He would be happier in a more social work place. By the way, he is probably dissatisfied about himself.

    Thank you Brise. This makes alot of sense. He is not a social person and more of an introvert. I do wish he will quit but it’s something he’s at for over 20 years. He quit here and there and got an outside job but it didn’t stick. Trading is something he’s passionate about and how do you tell someone to give it up for good. They have to come to the realization themselves.

    #852349
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Okay, before I say this, please remember that I recommended in every post that you do the hard work individually and as a couple, etc, and recommended a really good book that explains exactly how you can rebuild a marriage after infidelity. I agree that it seemed better to know you did all you could than to just leave now.

    But… I don’t think your husband seems like he could do it. Just from the very beginning of this story, he’s not showing the kind of remorse where it’s like, “oh my God, I am so incredibly sorry I did this to you and our family. How can I fix this?” Not in those exact words, you know, but the attitude of being really contrite about what he did to you, fear of losing you, dedication to making it right by you. Which includes being honest about what he did and owning it. That’s necessary as the first step toward healing.

    I can’t tell if he has serious mental health issues that make it impossible to see beyond himself, or if he’s essentially just selfish, but either one is going to be a major obstacle to working through this. I don’t like that he took his mistake out on you for 2 weeks and then fought with you and left the house for hours with no phone, leaving you awake and worried. I would never do that, would you? My husband has left the house to take a walk and cool down on occasion, but he comes back in a few minutes and we keep talking. I don’t like that you’re worrying the father of your kids might shoot himself because he’s upset that he cheated. I don’t like that you aren’t sleeping, but you’re asking him not to think too much. You’re doing all the work, both day to day and now to try to fix the marriage. The burden seems all on you. Brise said he seems desperately in love, but I don’t know, I think a guy who’s desperately in love acts desperate to keep you and fix the marriage however he can, and i don’t see that here.

    So look, if he’s depressed and suicidal, he absolutely must get help for that. He should probably get a whole workup and assessment of his mental health, maybe starting with his doctor, maybe then a neuropsych evaluation, maybe meds. Therapy. And couples counseling at the same time, because he needs to communicate honestly with you and own what he did and do the work to get your trust back. It kind of seems like you’re in this caretaker role where you want to protect him and do the work for him.

    I just think you’re starting from a more difficult place than is typical because of whatever is going on with him. People like Anonymousse and Ron really do have a point and aren’t just being judgmental. We’ve all heard a lot of these stories. You asked originally just for assurance that it will get better. The truth is it can, and sometimes does, but only if you already have a very strong foundation and both people are totally dedicated.

    #852350
    avatar
    lurker101
    Participant

    Than you kate. What you said really sum it up. I guess I have always been the role of the ‘caregiver’ in this relationship and that’s the general dynamic in our family because of his mood swings.

    Brise said he seems desperately in love, but I don’t know, I think a guy who’s desperately in love acts desperate to keep you and fix the marriage however he can, and i don’t see that here.

    You’re right I don’t see it either. That’s why I need to have an honest and open talk with him and if he’s not willing to go through all that to rebuilt my trust, and follow through with it, then we are done.

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 124 total)

The topic ‘After cheating…’ is closed to new replies.