Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

After cheating…

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This topic contains 123 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 124 total)
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  • #852351
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I realized I’m kind of taking it for granted that he would want to make the marriage work, but maybe the truth is he doesn’t, and wants out. That’s something he owes you honesty about as well, because marriage counseling doesn’t work if one person has their foot out the door.

    #852352
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes to your last post. I think if he’s not willing to do that stuff then it is over and you pivot to dissolving the marriage and figuring out co-parenting.

    #852354
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    lurker101
    Participant

    I realized I’m kind of taking it for granted that he would want to make the marriage work, but maybe the truth is he doesn’t, and wants out. That’s something he owes you honesty about as well, because marriage counseling doesn’t work if one person has their foot out the door.

    Yes i do wonder if his cheating was his way of saying I want out subconsciously. I’ve even questioned him if he left his phone on purpose so I can find out but he said no.

    #852355

    I’m not trying to seem judgmental. I’m trying to point out that you can’t drag him along in a marriage that he doesn’t care to work on.

    #852356
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Just thinking about how in one of your first posts you said that he said he was bored and also tired of the yelling and stuff with the kid.

    I do think some people who cheat kind of want to get caught, and maybe he did but isn’t admitting it. It is really ~interesting~ that he walked around til 3am knowing he didn’t have his phone on him, that you’d be worried sick, and that you could look through it. It kind of fits the pattern of you doing all the work and him being messed up, that’s already established in your relationship (not that I’m a therapist, but I’ve been to therapy and I read a lot).

    #852358
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    brise

    I meant he might have a crush on a woman he met recently. Thus the irrational behavior and difficulty to adjust to family life again.

    For his job: maybe he could rent an cubicle in a shared office place (I have a friend who is self-employed and does that, he rents an office with other self-employed people who do very different jobs, and it works very well). So he would have a clear distinction between home and work (which he seems lacking). He would have a social environment, while still doing what he loves as a profession. When he is home, he would devote more time and attention to the family. This could be an option for the future.

    Anyway: don’t panic. If he wanted to get out of the marriage, he would be out. He is probably torn, conflicted. A part of him reacts negatively to the family pressure, and a part of him is still invested in you and in your marriage. I wouldn’t ask him so openly if he wants out. It might just be the end of your marriage. If he just cheated, I guarantee you that he is thinking a lot of an other woman. So if you want to salvage the coupe or at least to keep the options open, I would rather express the desire you have to work on your marriage and to address the issues. Show your commitment. You can anyway yourself opt out later if you see that there is no progression and he checked out. Give it some times, as you said.

    #852359
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh okay, that makes more sense.

    I don’t agree that if he wanted out he’d already be out, though. It would take A LOT of honesty, courage, mental clarity, and, yes, motivation to say he wants out. It’s easier and more fitting of their marital patterns that she’d have to do the work to end it.

    #852360
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    lurker101
    Participant

    I don’t agree that if he wanted out he’d already be out, though. It would take A LOT of honesty, courage, mental clarity, and, yes, motivation to say he wants out. It’s easier and more fitting of their marital patterns that she’d have to do the work to end it.

    Yes I think he’s too much of a coward to say he wants out. I’m not blind to his weaknesses but he is who I choose to be my partner and father of my children. I don’t want to give up without trying to fix it. If he’s not willing, then there’s nothing I can do but end it.

    #852361

    But maybe instead of you trying to fix it, you should see what he comes up with. He fucked it up. He should be apologizing and doing whatever you require. He should be seeing a doctor, making an appointment for a marriage counselor. How can you gauge his willingness to fix anything if you are doing all of the work? You can’t be the only person trying to keep your marriage together.

    #852362
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I think the caretaker / wounded bird thing and the parent / child thing are dynamics that pretty commonly occur in relationships, and often are a result of one or both people playing out dynamics they saw or experienced in childhood. Therapy can help you recognize and work through that. I know a couple who had the mommy/child dynamic, and she is a few years older than him too. Very nice guy, but didn’t pull his weight around the house, she probably considered him weaker than she was, not as successful career-wise. But she was very much in love with him, needed him, couldn’t bear to lose him, He had an affair during their engagement. They did get married and had two kids, and the marriage lasted maybe 10-12 years before they got divorced. I think it’s possible to figure these things out in therapy, but sometimes you’re just not really the right partners for each other and could be happier and healthier with others.

    #852363
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    lurker101
    Participant

    Anonymouse. That’s the thing, we have not even discussed what I require from him. How he is supposed to be doing all that when I don’t even know if he wants out or willing to do whatever to fix this marriage? That’s what I’m trying to figure out tonight.

    #852364
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It would be a good sign if he had asked you, between Tuesday and the weekend, what you need from him / what can he do to make this up to you or fix things. And then, yes, great to take a few days to think about it.

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