Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

After cheating…

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This topic contains 123 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 4 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 124 total)
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  • #852365

    “How is he supposed to be doing all that when I don’t even know if he wants out or willing to do whatever to fix this marriage?”

    One would think if he wanted to actually apologize and work on it, he would be taking steps on his own. He would ask you what you need. I’m pointing out that he is not doing that.

    Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. If you had done something like this, wouldn’t you be apologizing, begging for forgiveness, making sure he knew you’d do anything to fix this?

    I’m saying don’t do the work for him.

    #852366
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It would also be a positive sign if he had already apologized and sincerely said he does not want to lose you.

    #852367

    If he hasn’t said that, the implication is clear.

    It seems like he’s just so passive he’ll just let you figure it out. Maybe he wanted a break up. Or he’ll go along with what you decide and he’ll let the resentment build and look for an out again.

    #852375
    avatar
    Ruby Tuesday

    I’m still alarmed by your concern that your husband may accidentally injure or kill himself because of his psychiatric issues. Even if he’s not suicidal, he should not be handling weapons if he lacks the physical and/or mental clarity to use them safely. What if he accidentally kills another person?

    I agree with BGM that major depressive disorder is often misunderstood by those who have not experienced it. As someone who has, I have never forgotten that I am still responsible for my actions and their consequences. I understand that I have to want to be healthy and that I am the only one who can make that happen.

    You husband either has the capacity to make his own decisions, or he lacks capacity and needs immediate treatment. He made the decision to cheat on you. He made the decision to conceal that from you. He made the decision to run away from his family instead of telling the truth. He needs to want to repair this relationship. He needs to show that in his words and his actions. If you continue to accept his excuses as to why he cannot contribute to raising his kids, you are enabling your husband. You two need to have many conversations about your future, but he needs to prove himself if your relationship is ever going to work. He either wants to change now or he doesn’t. Giving him a year won’t make a difference and you can’t spend this next year trying to convince him to want to get better because you can’t win that battle. If he can’t or refuses, you need to walk away now.

    #852378
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    It’s very bizarre to me that so many here are expecting somebody in a profoundly depressed episode to suddenly and magically start behaving rationally. To miraculously start thinking clearly. Huh? That is the exact textbook opposite of what clinically depressed people do. They can’t do that as their illness has taken over.
    .
    Again, it’s not helpful to an anorexic to be constantly surprised and amazed that they simply won’t eat the pepperoni pizza.

    #852380
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    And yes to whoever said the “accidents” should be taken much more seriously. That is one of the classic warning signs.

    Actually much of his behaviour is a classic warning sign.

    You need to have a serious conversation where you offer him serious help. A plan for therapy, treatment, etc.

    #852381
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Idk, I’ve been depressed (therapist wanted to refer me to get meds prescribed), and I feel that if I did someone wrong I would at least be able to apologize and express a desire to fix it.

    #852382

    That’s impossible, Kate. Only Mark has direct knowledge of clinical depression and the experience to armchair diagnose.

    #852383
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    But Kate: Were you SO depressed you had already recently crashed your car and injured yourself “by “accident”? Was your partner also casually worrying you might somehow shoot yourself “by accident”?

    This is extreme depressed behavior. Admittedly, Kate, I know you have no real reason to handle guns at work. But do you see my point?

    #852384
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Anonymousse: kindly see the above.

    #852385
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Not really. He hasn’t been diagnosed with anything.

    #852386
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    And yeah, I have taken risks with alcohol and pills for example, since this is a contest.

Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 124 total)

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