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Alcoholic Friend of Fiance

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This topic contains 28 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar BakerBabe 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #759812 Reply
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    BakerBabe

    My fiancé has a friend that he’s in a solid/close group with who I think is an alcoholic. I’ll call him “X” We have been to at least 2 weddings for which X has been invited and sort of made a fool of himself because of alcohol. He gets touchy with women, get’s so drunk at after parties that he gets himself kicked out of the bar, and in general just gets sloppy, unpredictable and unstable. He even hit on the girlfriend of another couple “Couple B”, angering her boyfriend.
    The second wedding we went to with X is, surprisingly, the wedding of Couple B. I was honestly confused as to why or how he even got himself invited, given how mad the fiancés were at him during the first wedding.
    At Couple B’s wedding, he was his usual drunk self, only slightly better but not by much.
    He’s a definite member of their friend group but I don’t think my fiancé is THAT close to him individually, but my fiancé keeps mentioning how he doesn’t want to exclude X at our wedding.
    I don’t really know X that well but I know he comes from quite a hard background of abuse and in general has a pretty tough life battling depression. Part of me does feel bad for him. I see that his friends don’t take X’s alcoholism seriously but yet they understandably get angry at him for acting inappropriately.
    I don’t want to deal with this at my wedding so I don’t want him to be invited. When he’s sober, he’s a decent person, but I still don’t know him that well and I don’t want to bring that behavior around my family and other loved ones.
    My fiancé and I are still in the early planning stages. Is there a compromise?

    #759815 Reply
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    Kate

    Compromise would be there’s someone who is in charge of him / babysits him. Ask your fiancé if anyone can do that. My husband has a friend like this and he was fine at our wedding because he was with his girlfriend who kept him under control.

    Honestly I don’t think you can insist he not be invited, even though I totally sympathize with you.

    #759818 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I think both a babysitter (if someone’s willing to take that on)—AND your fiance manning up and talking bluntly to his friend about his unacceptable behavior at previous weddings. If your fiance isn’t willing to do that, he’s not that close, and you can put your foot down.

    I wouldn’t want some sloppy-ass drunk I didn’t like and my fiance wasn’t super-close with making my female friends and family members uncomfortable at my wedding, either.

    #759820 Reply
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    Bacon Mistress

    I concur with Kate & Star. He needs to AGREE that if he is extended an invite he will control himself and also he needs a friend in charge of him. If he cant abide by those rules then he doesnt get an invite.

    #759821 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    A designated babysitter is a good idea. You can also instruct the bartenders ahead of time to cut him off. I would probably ask your fiancé to talk to him directly about it though. Something along the lines of ‘Look X, we want you to celebrate with us but if you can’t control your drinking and behavior we are going to ask you to leave’. And be able prepared to follow through. After the shit he’s pulled in the past nobody in the group should be surprised that you’re taking precautions. Maybe the direct approach will be a wake up call.

    #759826 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I get the sentiment, but ultimately his actions are his responsibility and you can’t control him.

    All of the suggestions are good ones, the babysitter being the best. He can easily get around the bartender issue so that won’t be enough. I also think that if there is enough time before the wedding your fiance could have a heart to heart to ask him not to drink or even an intervention but he may not react well.

    I also think you may want to enlist some of your beefier friends or family to just be aware that their brawn may be needed to shuffle him outside and sit him down until he moves from super drunk to mostly drunk

    Ultimately though you aren’t responsible for what he does and you shouldn’t let it hang over or tarnish your wedding.

    #759829 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Her fiance IS responsible, though. This drunk is a guest who he chooses to invite. He’s not family, and he’s not a lifelong childhood friend (to explain his presence as a necessary evil). He’s “part of a friend group” who will be out of control and try and grope her female guests—who the fiance simply doesn’t want to “exclude.”

    If fiance determines he MUST invite the drunk anyway, HE is responsible for the drunk’s behavior. He KNOWS IT’S COMING. And yes, he’d better have a plan and a backup plan for managing the lout.

    If it were me, I’d make it darn clear to my friend how embarrassing it is for both of us that I have to have a babysitter and a bouncer devoted to him. Or I’d not invite him.

    #759830 Reply
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    ron

    Lis for Leslie —
    No, his actions aren’t just his responsibility. If something really bad happens, the party who supplied him the alcohol — the bride and groom or their parents — will bear substantial legal liability. He may not be the only guest with this problem. Hire a bartender and give strict instructions to cut off guests who are becoming drunk. I do like the babysitter idea as well. Not inviting him is a real possibility.

    #759831 Reply
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    ron

    Why expose your female guests to a guy you expect to get drunk and become aggressively hands-on to them? Since he’s done this before, you know that’s a real possibility. It is your responsibility to protect your other guests.

    #759834 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Can your fiance talk to him and say, “We’d like to invite you to our wedding, but you typically get super drunk and make other guests uncomfortable. Can you agree not to drink so that we can invite you?” Or something like that. Then if he comes, have someone babysit him. Someone who actually will enforce rules, not someone who says they’ll babysit and then watches him act ridiculous.

    You asked for a compromise, and I think that’s a compromise. However, I don’t know that compromise really makes sense in this situation aside from trying to appease your fiance. Being depressed or having a hard life doesn’t get you an automatic invite to every event. It’s not a punishment to not invite him. It’s a pretty common sense alternative to not inviting someone to your wedding who is very likely to cause a scene, make someone uncomfortable, anger someone, or hurt someone. In the bigger scheme, you’re choosing not to enable him (like where he experiences no negative consequences due to his bad behavior) and you’re avoiding him embarrassing himself or getting himself into legal trouble.

    #759837 Reply
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    anonykins

    I strongly recommend taking a stand. A brilliant blog post, posted just yesterday, about this very issue: https://captainawkward.com/2018/07/02/1120-the-creepy-guy-in-the-friend-group-revisited-four-more-geek-social-fallacies/#more-45526

    #759838 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I’d be inclined to say no. Let’s be honest here…this guy is choosing to drink too much. Yes, let’s say he’s an alcoholic, but still, he makes that decision to lift the drink to his mouth, knowing it’s going to lead him to act like an ass, grope women, and embarrass his friends who spent money to have him at their weddings. He KNOWS this will happen, and he does it anyway. Even an alcoholic can abstain for a couple of hours. Your fiancé may care for this guy, but it ain’t reciprocal.

    If your fiancé is still pushing you to invite him, then I would insist that he have a come-to-Jesus meeting with this guy, and explain that if he gets drunk and acts out, he will be removed from the premises.

    And then stick to that. Don’t let it get to the point where he’s groping your guests. Wedding venues deal with problem guests all the time. I would give the person coordinating your wedding at the venue a heads up that this guy may become a problem, and have him thrown out if he starts to act up.

    If you’re not having your reception at a restaurant, country club, etc, and there’s not going to be staff around to help, then I would want your fiancé to assign friends as minders for this guy, and make sure they understand they’re to take him home or call him a cab if he starts making trouble.

    Will that be a pain for your fiancé’s friends who get assigned babysitting duty? Yep. But that’s the price they pay for having the guy at the wedding.

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